Reawaken My Soul
by elizabeth043148
Summary: The sadness Bella feels over her husband's despondent attitude as of late is killing her... and then she learns of Carlisle's terminal illness. Can she and Edward fulfill his last dying hope, a grandchild, before it's too late? Will B & E make it?
1. Torn

_A/N: SM owns all._

_This is my first story. I will be posting this story on Twilighted as well. I've decided to post this story both here and there because I know some people have their preferences._

_I'd love to hear any and all constructive crtiticism._

_This is an E/B pairing, if you couldn't get it by this chapter. _

_Well you couldn't be that man I adored  
You don't seem to know  
Or seem to care  
What your heart is for  
I don't know him anymore_

_Torn - Natalie Imbruglia_

Comfortable. That's where I was. Not only in my over sized, over stuffed, and overly obnoxious reading chair, but in my life as well. I was Isabella Cullen, married to the most handsome man in all of Chicago, volunteer at the local library as well as my mother's real-estate agency, and a woman whose past felt a million miles away but whose future didn't even seem like it existed. I blinked once, coming out of my day dream and into my nightmare. Comfortable, that is, until my absentee husband returned from work every night, making the air less comfortable and more palpable. I pulled my square framed reading glasses from my face, folded them gently, and placed them carefully on the arm of the chair so they wouldn't teeter over. I was more than accident prone and had just bought these new reading glasses, not wanting them to break as they were a birthday present from Charlie, my father.

I breathed a heavy sigh and rolled my head from left to right, reveling in the stretch. I had been more than stressed out this week helping Renee plan for another open house as well as getting ready for my volunteer days down at the local library in Gold Coast. With a loud sigh and a gentle comb through my unruly locks, I closed my book. There was something special about the way the particles danced in front of me like soft, silent snowflakes. I was also one of the few people on this Earth who love the strange muskiness of an oldie- that's what I call them, the oldies but goodies (books, that is). I ran my hand over of the cover, setting free the only smile that appeared today. _Wuthering Heights_, such a classic and a read I couldn't get enough of. I opened the book and read the neat writing on the back of the cover:

_My Dearest Josephine,_

_My best friend, my love, my heart. My world would not be the same without you. You are my angel. I want you, I need you, I love you. _

_Forever and a day yours,_

_Alec. _

_1954. _

I wondered briefly if Josephine and Alec were together still. Had they grown old together? Did they bear beautiful kids? Were they still happy? Or had their love bore the labor of love and turned out like her book? I studied the book precisely, noting the yellow, crinkled pages, the creased, torn, and years of dog eared pages, the wrinkles in the cover that suffered countless years of abuse from owner after owner.

It was then that I noticed it, the quiet. I basked in it, soaking it up like it was the sun's hot rays, taboo, during Indian summer. I closed my eyes, enjoying the peacefulness of this big house. Right now, at a quarter past six in the evening, it was dead quiet. No television playing, no classical music floating softly from his office into my library like a dense poison, and no Edward. Granted, even if Edward was here, I'd only hear his calm voice muffled behind the door of his office. I inhaled as much as I could and let it permeate in my lungs, feeling them expand slowly, painfully begging for release. I slowly allowed the air to exit; counting down the last few minutes of the silence until Edward would arrive home, thus filling it with awkward tension.

There was a time when it wasn't like this, when we weren't like this, but that time seemed so far away that I felt I must be imagining things. Maybe Edward and I had always been this awkward pair and I was just taking notice of it. Maybe we were forced together by Fate's evil twin, Chance. What were the chances that Edward and I would be forced together like we were? What were the chances that Renee, my dear and oh-so-loving mother, wouldn't NOT know that Edward Cullen, owner of Chicago's Cullen-Brandon Enterprise, would be attending the open house she was having the day that changed my life. You know, they say that every decision you make deters your life in one way or another. What if I had declined Edward's invitation to dinner on the night we met? Would I be married now at 27? Would I have a best friend? Would I have A friend? Would I have a life, a job, or even a husband who loves me?

The front door opened, pulling me from my "Would I…" daze and back into the present. It was silly for me to think such things. I shook my head and sat up straighter, hoping Edward wouldn't mind my appearance as I placed my glasses on my face and threw my hair up in a loose pony tail. Who was I kidding, he wouldn't even notice.

I could hear the sound of his Prada shoes against the beautiful hard wood of our-his- expensive floors. I wasn't afraid of my husband, he never hurt me physically nor had he ever threatened to, in fact he never once raised his voice to me in a fit of anger, no, he was always so despondent when he talked with me, if I were lucky enough to even get a conversation out of him. Sometimes I wanted him to yell, scream, do anything other than speak in that deep monotonous voice of his. As of late, he acts as if I were just some woman with whom he shared a house. I could hear his shoes sounding closer and closer, and with every step in my direction my heart beat grew louder. His steps slowed as he walked closer to the library, as if not wanting this part of his day to come yet either. He stopped, never turning his body to face me but the side of his face, his angular jaw, soft stubble, and wild hair were now visible.

"Hi, Edward," I said softly, surprised my voice didn't crack like it usually did when we spoke. Edward opened his mouth as if to respond but didn't. Although I received no response, I still silently begged for it. _Please, Edward, anything. A 'hi', a 'how are you', even a 'eat shit' would suffice. Just acknowledge me, I'm begging you. _And as if he heard my inner monologue, he snapped his mouth shut, nodded a curt hello, and strained his face forward. He opened the door to his office across the hall from the library and I watched his tall, lean figure disappear. I slumped in defeat the second I heard his door click shut softly. I live with the shadow of a man I met nearly four years ago, and he took away everything but the shadow I am now. This is my life now.

I sat there silently, picturing him loosen his tie, unbutton his shirt, and step out of his shoes. I could hear the creak of his desk chair moan as he sat in it, pulling himself closer. This was our nightly routine: he would come home from work and stop by the library door, sometimes acknowledging me, sometimes not, and head directly into his office where he'd spend the remainder of the night and sometime later after hours of work, just a few hours before the early morning twilight, he'd crawl into our king sized bed, three feet away with his back to me. So many times I'd wanted to reach out and stroke his back, remembering the soft skin beneath the white of his shirt, and just be there for him. I wanted to ask him how his day was, was he stressed, and what could I do to help. Sometimes I'd be daring in my fantasies and I'd reach out and massage his tender muscles without asking. He'd moan in response and I'd love every minute of it. I loved him, I did, but the past 18 months had been hell and he put me through the ringer. We had grown apart; well he had, whereas I didn't know what the hell was going on, what to think, or what to feel.

I twisted the Tiffany & Co engagement and wedding ring on my finger. I looked down, smiling at the memory. Snapshots of Edward smiling, happy, and on one knee flashed through my head as well as the moment I said yes, both of us crying, happy, and in love. Edward knew me like the back of his hand. He knew my ring finger size and the perfect cut that just screamed Bella Swan. I took off the diamond slowly, bringing it closer to admire. The beautiful cushion-cut diamond sparkled in the light, glowed in the dark, and taunted me every day. I placed it carefully back on my finger and squeezed them together. The band, completely encrusted with diamonds, dug into my middle and pinky finger. It was beautifully simple and just me. I couldn't bring myself to look at the engraved writing on the wedding band that he had done as a surprise for me: My Bella. My Bella, something I hadn't heard in months. Something I didn't know I'd miss until it was gone. My Bella was here one day and, poof, gone the next! Now it was just Isabella, a name he knew I despised. Edward still wore his wedding band, of course he did. If he would decide to take it off, everyone would assume the worst: that we had indeed separated. But why shouldn't he wear it? We were still legally bound to one another. Why didn't I just tell him that we needed to end this… this… charade? Because I didn't want it to be over. As much as I hated Edward for what he did to me, is doing to me, and will continue to do to me… I still love him, deep inside, way down deep inside. A part of me also considers the fact that _he_ hasn't decided upon ending things with _me_ yet. I still have something that I thought I gave up on long ago… hope.

I shrugged my shoulders impassively and got up from my comfortable chair to place the book back in its spot. This room was beautiful and built just for me. The walls were floor to ceiling bookshelves, a dream of mine I often shared with him when we dated. The room was dark, the floors were dark, and the atmosphere was perfect. There was a desk on the far right side, two plush, leather couches and an over sized chair just for me. But the most daunting piece of furniture that lay in this room was the black baby grand piano that had gone untouched for months now. I used to love hearing Edward play as I curled up and read my favorite books. I feared that I'd go the rest of my life without hearing him play again. Memories of us making love on the floor, in my chair, on the couches, against the wall, and, my favorite, on his piano coursed through me. I could still feel his touch. It was everywhere on me, his caress branded onto my skin.

As I walked past the bookshelves I couldn't help but glance at our wedding pictures. The black and white photos were beautiful and I picked up one of us dancing to our first dance. His smile was bright, loving, and real as his forehead was pressed softly to mine. His large hand cradled mine delicately and his other hand rested at the small of my back. No one knew how nervous I was about the dance but Edward and he had assured me that I'd do just fine. During the weeks leading up to our wedding we had practiced and I stepped on his toes more times than not. I felt bad as he bandaged his big toe for the last time and I all about nixed the first dance idea! I smiled at the memory as he grabbed my nervous hand in his, kissed me on the lips, whispered how beautiful I was, his Bella, and hoisted my feet atop his. My dress covered us so no one could have known, it was our little secret. Edward was wonderful. I'm sure he still is, just not to me.

I can't begin to tell you how many times I've gone over and over in mind what I had done to deserve this. I never cheated, we barely ever fought, and when we did it was over little things, and we never stopped smiling. Until the day he did.

I sighed and closed the door to my library. I stopped right outside his office and debated on whether or not I should knock or just go away. Before I could make up my own mind, he made it up for me. "Come in, Isabella."

I swallowed thickly, coating my throat that was now bone dry. I opened the door, twisting the knob slowly. "Can I help you?" he asked, as if I were some damn client. He never once took his eyes from his computer.

"I-I just wanted to say hello," I stuttered.

"Yes, you all ready did as I recall." He was still typing away.

"Right, well, okay…" I trailed off, wanting to get the hell out of there before I cried or made a bigger fool of myself.

Edward cleared his throat. "Isabella?"

"Yes?"

He opened his mouth to say something but his cell phone rang. He picked it up and sighed. I didn't know whether I should stay or go. "Hey Alice," he responded to the person on the phone. I figured I'd let them be, I'm sure Edward wanted to talk about work with his partner, so I turned slowly. "Goodnight, Isabella," he called softly, wanting to prove to Alice Brandon, his partner and sister in law, that I was in fact still his wife and still around. He rolled his eyes and pulled the phone from his ear, smiling, as a shrill, high pitched voice said my name. "Alice says hello."

He smiles, I smile. "Night," I whispered.

I was unsure of what the exact time was, but I felt the mattress dip in protest as Edward sunk down. "I'm going home for Thanksgiving," he said softly. How he knew I was awake, I did not know. I was surprised that he was still so in tuned with me and I was also surprised he even cared to share this little tidbit of information. Just as I moved my body to face him, he added, "I don't want you to come."

I put a sad smile on to stop the onset of tears as I nodded once and buried my face into my pillow. "Esme and Carlisle, however, do." I heard him sigh deeply and run his fingers through his hair, something I had done to him when he was stressed; I guess he picked up my habit. Good, I thought, that's something about me you'll always carry around. "We'll leave the 24th and return the 29th. Think you can get off from… work?" he asked, his last word dripping with disdain. He never approved of my volunteer work, I'll admit it, but lately he's shown a real hatred for it. If I wasn't volunteering with Renee or the library, then I'd be cooped up in here all day. Lord knows I'd go crazy after just a few days!

"I'll see what I can manage," I responded just as hatefully, hostility laced with each and every word.

"Like it'll be hard," he replied under his breath. The second he lifted the covers to place his body securely under, I couldn't take it anymore! I sprung from the bed so fast I nearly fell over. I ripped my pillow from its spot and resisted the urge to show Edward my little bird as I walked past him. _I hate you, I hate you, I hate you _was the continuous chant in my head. I was seething mad as I ripped the spare blanket from Edwards closest and made my bed on my chair in the library, not before thoroughly slamming the door, though. The resounding echo in the hall even scared me. I curled up in a ball, the smell of Edward permeating and assaulting my senses. Why I had chosen a blanket from his closest, I didn't know. Unable to bare it any longer, I kicked the blanket to the floor, willing to freeze my nips off before having to inhale his scent one more time.

How dare he mock what I do? What I love. He never said a word about it in the beginning. In fact, he had encouraged it! Ugh! I had worked myself up so much that I was unable to fall back asleep. The sun would be coming up any minute and the growl in my stomach reminded me that I hadn't eaten dinner last night. I tiptoed slowly past our bedroom, into the kitchen, and fixed myself a bowl of Lucky Charms. Hey, they're magically delicious! I slurped the last of my sugary milk from the bowl when I heard Edward on the phone. It wasn't unusual for him to be receiving calls this early. I tiptoed back down the hall, stomach sated, toes cold from the linoleum, and I hurried to make it back to the library before he emerged.

The sound of soft, feminine voice stopped me in my tracks. "Edward, did you ask her?"

"Yes, ma."

"And?"

"And what are you doing up so early?" Edward laughed softly; he must have put her on speaker phone.

"Don't change the subject. We're all so excited that you have decided to come up and spend the holidays with us! We're just hoping Bella can get time off." I swear I heard him chuckle, that smug bastard. If I was being honest with myself, I truly missed Esme. She was hands down the sweetest woman I've ever met.

"Yeah, ma, she'd love to come," he responded emotionless.

I heard Esme squeal with delight. "Oh this is just going to be wonderful, Edward! Tell her we love her, won't you? Carlisle is just going to be thrilled! You know Rose and Alice are coming with your brothers? They're bringing the kids, too. You haven't seen them in ages, have you, Edward? They're getting to be so big! You work too hard. You know your father would love it if you took some vacation. You could take Bella to-"

"All right mom, enough. I'm fine. I don't need a vacation and Bella… well actually…" I was hanging on to every word he said. _And Bella what? AND BELLA WHAT!_ Inner Bella was screaming. Before I knew what was happening, the door had opened and Edward, clad in a pair of grey boxer briefs and white tee was standing before me, hair still wet from his shower, sticking to his forehead. Fuck was he beautiful. "She's right here," and with that, he handed the phone to me. Ugh, so not what I was expecting. I took the phone from him, ogling his body. Hey, he's still my husband and if yours looked as good as mine did, all wet and hot and... hard! Oh, my. I remember the way that felt….

"Bella, honey!" Esme gasped, bringing my eyes away from her son's straining morning wood and into the conversation. "How are you, dear? We miss you so much. You know I was just telling Edward how much we all miss you. Tell him to take a vacation, would you dear? He'll only listen to you." I snorted with laughter, yeah if only that were true. "You can get off work, can't you dear? Edward's been saying how busy you are and how he never sees you anymore. I can hear it in his voice, sweetie, he misses you." I wanted to laugh again, but she sounded so serious.

"I'm sorry," was my only desolate response.

"No, no, no! Sweetie, you do what you have to do. We're just so thrilled you'll be able to make it."

I loved Esme, I truly did, and tears welled up in my eyes at the sound of her enthusiasm. "At least one of the Cullen's is happy to see me," I blurted out without thinking.

"Oh we all are!" Esme responded, not even thinking about what I had actually meant.

"All right, ma, we'll talk to you later." Edward was annoyed; I could hear it in his voice.

"I love you both!" Esme said before Edward hung up.

"You should really tell your mother you love her before rudely hanging up," I remarked, still royally pissed at him, and turning my back on him before I could chance another look at his hard as a rock dick. He said nothing else and I closed the door to the library, softly this time, and fell into a deep sleep. Dreaming of hard cocks, emerald green eyes, and fingers that used to do magical, unhindered, powerful things to my lady bits.

_Don't forget to review ;)_


	2. Three Words That Became Hard To Say

SM owns all, I'm just playing!

Hey everyone!

Thanks to those who reviewed and those who set this story to alert. I hope this chapter (and the following chapters) answer some lingering questions!

Dumbed down and numbed by time and age  
Your dreams to catch the world, the cage  
The highway sets the travelers stage  
All exits look the same  
Three words that became hard to say  
I and love and you

"Bella!" A dainty voice called from behind me.

I smiled, happy to realize it wasn't one of Edward's immediate family members picking me up from the airport, the bastard. "Hey Alice," I replied, hugging her and feeling completely awkward about it.

"Is this all you brought?" she asked, pointing to my little carryon bag. Her face was distorted in such a way that I may have laughed if I wasn't completely embarrassed. Instead, I nodded and shrugged sheepishly.

"We're only here until Monday…" I tried to justify.

"Okay, okay," she said, backing off and gesturing for me to follow her. I was barely able to keep up as this little pixie dodged people left and right. We walked towards her car as the cold air nipped at my face. Alice prattled on and on about the company and how excited she was that her partner, Edward, was here. We settled inside the car, turning up the heat, and started for Forks. "So why didn't you and Edward come in together?" Alice asked curiously. I glanced toward her for a split second and noticed that her perfectly arched brow lifted slightly.

"Oh, uhm… well, he… uhm…" I had no idea how to say _the bastard never told me he was leaving, and if I hadn't come home when I did he would have just left me a fucking note! Some husband, huh? _Instead I just answered with a quick lie, "my mom needed me for another showing."

Alice opened her mouth, I'm sure to be more meddlesome, but her cell phone chirped loudly. She huffed irritably and took her call. I rested my head against the cool leather of the expensive seats and let my eyes droop slowly.

_Why did it have to start raining now!_ Fuck my life;_ I thought to myself as I swung open the door, mentally berating the housekeeper for not having locked it when she left! I mean honestly, how many times did someone have to tell her that we lock the damn door! Ugh! I was really only pissed that I had just spent 10 fucking minutes, in the rain, looking for my house key in my purse only to learn that I didn't even need it! _

_I kicked off my shoes in front of the bedroom, not wanting to track mud into the room as that would royally piss Edward off... on second thought… No, I was in no mood for a fight tonight. I ran into the bathroom, nearly pissing myself when I crashed full force into Edward._

"_Jesus," he yelled, "you scared the shit out of me!"_

"_Sorry, sorry, sorry!" I replied quickly. "I really have to pee; can you leave for a sec?" I was subconsciously placing my hands in front of my crotch as if to hold it in while bouncing from leg to leg. The pee dance as I refer to it._

_He did and I relieved myself, sighing loudly. I finished up and washed my hands, chancing a look up at myself. I moaned loudly, horrified at my appearance. My hair was sopping wet, glued to my face by the fat drops of rain that landed there. The little bit of makeup I had applied earlier this morning was now smudged under my eyes, and my lips were berry red from my constant biting. I looked like a drown fucking rat._

_Three incessant bangs pounded on the door. I waited for him to speak but he never did._

"_Be out in a sec," I responded. I cleaned up under my eyes and patted the rest of my exposed skin. I peeled off my dress and slipped into the white plush robe hanging on a hook._ _When I returned, towel in my hand as I hand dried my hair, Edward had his suitcase open and started filling it with clothes, shoes, and other necessities. He was walking from his closet to the bed, neatly folding his clothes and packing them securely. _

_He never glanced up. "Sit," he commanded, pointing to my side of the bed._

"_Where are you going?" I wondered aloud, sitting on my knees across from him on the bed._

_He wandered over to the dresser and pulled out a few pairs of socks. "Home," he answered simply, returning to his suitcase._

"_But this… this is your home," I swallowed thickly. _

_I heard him chuckle under his breath. "No, Isabella. This is my house," he stopped briefly, his head down, fingers gripping a pair of pants tightly. "Forks- where my parents are, my family- that is my home." He resumed his packing. I wanted to tell him that I was his family. I _was_ his wife after all!_

_I jumped off the bed and huffed loudly. "Okay, well I wish you would have given me notice that we were leaving earlier-"_

"_You're not coming," he stated simply._

"_But you said-"_

"_Your flight leaves tomorrow at 4 pm. You'll get in around 7. I'll arrange for someone to pick you up. If nobody can, well then," he paused and I was hopeful for just a second, "I'll arrange for a cab." And then came that feeling I had been accustomed too as of late, let down. "Your ticket is on the kitchen table" he paused and lifted his head, still never making eye contact, "I wasn't expecting you home so early." Something must be on his mind because there were three things Edward never did; fidget, leave work early, or say so much to me at once._

_I took a deep breath and walked over to him slowly. "Edward," I hedged, tentatively lifting a hand, as if to place it gently on his arm for comfort, "tell me." _

"_Don't." Edward's voice was small and it cracked slightly at the end._

"_Don't what, Edward?" I asked, raising my voice louder._

"_Don't act like you fucking care," Edward said, never raising his voice but the tone had certainly changed._

"_I do care! I have cared! If I didn't, would I still be here after months and months of putting up with your shit?" I didn't sound pissed, I sounded hurt. Surely he could hear the despair in voice._

_Edward had clearly had it. He slammed the top of his suitcase shut and picked it up off the bed, placing it gently on the floor._

"_Why _are _you here, Isabella?" He slipped his shoes on and then turned to look at me. I forgot how piercing his eyes were and lost myself in them. "Tell me," he asked harshly, "because I never asked you to stay."_

_It took a few seconds for me to grasp what had just come out of his mouth. _He didn't ask me stay. _I kept going over and over what he said. Sure, he never asked me to leave, but it just now sunk in that it didn't matter to him whether I came or went. I was nothing to him; a shadow of a wife past. By the time I realized my answer, the front door had slammed shut. "I don't know."_

"Bella?" Alice called, pulling me from my daze. "That must have been some dream, girl. You're sweating."

I laughed it off, "nah, I think it's just the heat." I reached forward and turned the heat down.

She smiled sweetly over at me and I glanced at the lights glowing on the console to check the time. I cursed myself for sleeping so long. As if reading my mind Alice answered, "don't worry, sweetie, I'm sure you were exhausted from work and then the plane ride."

"Oh, it's not really a _job_ job," I stated, fearing that if I let the silence grow she may want to talk about Edward or something just as horrific.

"Oh?" she questioned, clearly interested.

"Yeah, I don't know if Edward ever told you but I volunteer down at the library helping kids who have disabilities read."

"Wow Bella, that sounds like such a rewarding job!" Leave it to Alice to be enthused over anything.

I nodded, smiling. "It is. The kids are always such a pleasure." And it was the truth, they were. "I also help my mom with her real-estate company, but you knew that."

She nodded. "Edward told me you dropped out of college your sophomore year, is that true?"

"He told you that?" I asked. A slight pang of surprise hit me in my stomach. "When?"

"Oh, it was a few months ago, maybe 5 or 6, when I asked why you only did volunteer work. He said something about your mom and no money. I'm sorry, I was just curious." She glanced over at me and shrugged a shoulder impassively.

I shook my head, brushing it off. "It's in the past now. But yeah, my mom couldn't afford it at the time. My father was hurt on the job which forced him into early retirement. We still didn't have enough money, not even with loans."

"It's never too late, Bella," she answered optimistically.

I smiled at her sincerity. "Maybe," I responded, but I knew the truth.

Alice's phone chirped again. "Hello Edward!"

_Oh shit_, I thought, _maybe I should fake sleeping again._

"We're on our way now. No we didn't stop for dinner. Bella," she called my name, ruining all plans for my feigning sleep idea, "you hungry?" I shook my head. "She said no, Edward." _Why did he want to know if I was hungry? Oh, right, he wanted to play the good husband role, acting as if he cared his wife was hungry. Bastard. _"We'll be there soon. I don't know, an hour! Jesus, Edward, I know you miss her but you can wait an hour! Do you want to talk to her?" She glanced over at me and my stomach flipped, not in a good way. "Oh, okay sure. Well, text me the address of your hotel. Bye!" She huffed and dropped her phone into her lap. Alice looked over at me, "he said he was about to hop in the shower and he'd see you when you got there."

I rolled my eyes and then froze as I recalled what she had said. "He said he misses me?"

"He didn't have to," she responded, "he kept asking when you'd be dropped off and was wondering the approximate road we were on and why I hadn't stopped for dinner and he's just too much sometimes!" Her little voice became louder and higher pitched, if it was possible, the more she complained about him.

I had to laugh. "He can be…" _A bastard? A fucker? A cockwad? _Inner Bella filled in the blanks, "a handful sometimes."

"I know. It makes me glad that we run two separate buildings in two different states." Alice took a few deep breaths to calm down. Damn, when she was worked up, she was really worked up.

The rest of the drive went smoothly as she filled me in on her little boy, Austin, who just turned 3. She relived every milestone of his life. I learned all about his first word, his first crawl, his first walk, and his first potty training moment. She seemed incredibly happy as she retold the stories. It made me think that I'd probably never have kids, not because I didn't want to, but because who would I have them with? Certainly not Edward. The last time I checked that required penetration, something that hasn't been done to me in a very, _very_ long time. There's always adoption… I rolled my eyes at how silly I was being.

"Home sweet… hotel?" Alice sang. "Honestly," she started again, "I don't know why you two don't stay at the house with all of us. There's certainly plenty of room."

"Oh, you know Edward…" I trailed off, hoping I wouldn't have to finish that sentence.

Alice laughed and unlocked the door. "Yeah, right, you two probably just want to have crazy, loud sex!"

I couldn't help the loud, obnoxious laugh that escaped my mouth. I winked at her, which made us both laugh harder. Alice was laughing because she thought it was true while I was laughing because the absurdity of her words. _Me and Edward having crazy, loud sex? Psh, in my dreams_, I continued to think as I got out of her car. The more I thought about it, the harder I laughed. That is, until, the sound of his voice assaulted my ears.

"Isabella?"

I glanced up and stopped in my tracks. "Edward," I responded, proud of myself for the lack of emotion laced with his name.

EPOV

This whole month had been such a fucking hell hole. My anxiety grew as the days passed. I had almost called my doctor, wanting something- anything- to calm me down. I resisted, though, telling myself I could get through it. I had to get through this. I made this mess; I can clean it up, too. I sighed loudly and ran my fingers through my hair, something Isabella used to do to calm me down. Now, every time I performed the action, her face would filter through my mind and memories of us together would pillage through me. I could still smell her skin which was always fresh, and her hair which smelled of vanilla with a mix of honey. In effort to escape the prison of our memories, I slammed my fist hard on my desk. I groaned softly as I bent to pick up the shattered picture of my nephews that had fallen. I put it back on my desk and stood up, walking over to my floor to ceiling window, overlooking the city. I pulled at my tie lazily, loosening the knot as I rested my forearm against the window.

"Who have I become?" I questioned myself. "I'm such a shitty person." I closed my eyes while shaking my head slowly. Only a dickhead would treat his wife, the person he loved, like I do. And the funny thing is that Isabella was a catch, a fucking brilliant catch. If she were to just divorce me, as any normal wife would, she'd be swept up off her feet in no time at all. Probably by a man who could give her more than I could. The truth was that after I learned of my father's illness I just wasn't in the right state, emotionally, to worry about keeping up my marriage. Like I said, I'm a shitty person. And since then, the only person I could take out my anger, my sadness, and my aggression on was the one person who truly loved me the most, my wife. _Fuck,_I thought, _I shouldn't even be able to think that word!_

I walked the perimeter of my office until the soft pads of my fingertips touched the old record player. With my favorite record already in its place, I turned it on and placed the needle in the groove. The music, sad yet soft, bounced off the walls as I walked further to the left, planting myself in front of a portrait of my father in his younger years. I closed my eyes softly and felt my heart drop as the memory of that day haunted me. Yes, I needed this. I needed to be a jackass to her. I needed to prove to myself that I didn't need her, that she would, inevitably, end up being like the rest of the girls I dated: a mistake. _But she's NOT like the rest of the girls you've dated, you fucker,_ I mentally scolded myself. _She's your wife! She has already shown you how different she is,_ Good Edward kicked in, making sense. _Shut up! _ Bad Edward butted in; _it's only a matter of time before she breaks your heart. You spent years guarding yourself after Tanya only to let in the first broad with a pretty smile and a nice pair of tits. Prove to yourself you don't need her. _Bad Edward always won, at least in the past 18 months he did.

_I was just going to rest my head for a second, I thought, before I heard my name being called. "Mr. Cullen?" a sweet, feminine voice laced with vanilla and honey surrounded me._

"_Mmm?" I moaned a response, rolling my head to the side._

"_You're late," she sang sweetly in my ear. _

_Late. Late? Late! I picked my head up so fast that I got whiplash. "Shit! Angela, I told you to call me when-" that's when it hit me, "wait, what am I late for?" I knew I didn't have any meetings until 3 and it was only…_

"_You were late for lunch, silly," Bella's voice cooed._

_I turned my head to her. Oh, Bella. It was My Bella. "Shit, babe, I'm sorry," I apologized, walking over to her. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and enveloped her into a tight hug. _

"_It's okay," she responded. "Look, I brought you some." She gestured towards the take out bag on my desk. I smiled appreciatively and moved over to the bag._

"_I'll love you forever if it's a cheeseburger with fries."_

_She pouted, a frown forming on her face. "I thought you were supposed to love me forever anyways? In sickness and in health, till death do us part or something like that."_

_I feigned shock, reaching into the bag and pulling out the Styrofoam container. "You mean to tell me you don't remember our vows? Oh, what will I do with you, Mrs. Cullen?" I knew she loved when I called her that._

_She walked over to me slowly and encircled my wrist with her small fingers. "I have an idea," she whispered seductively._

_I felt my dress pants become tighter as she gripped me harder. I smiled wickedly before popping open the container. "You know me too well, love." I sat in my chair and picked up the burger._

"_Hey!" Bella protested. I grabbed her by her waist and pulled her onto my lap. Her back rested softly against my chest as I cradled her. She grabbed the burger from me and took a bite, moaning in pleasure. That moan always elicited a response from me. She felt it and pushed her ass into the tent that my dick had formed. It was my turn to moan, and not from the food. Bella put the burger back in its place and leaned back, kissing me softly._

"_I love you," I whispered against her._

"_How much?" she always asked._

_I placed my hand over her heart, as always, and replied, "all the way to here." She smiled against my lips and I hugged her tighter._

"_Mr. Cullen?" Angela called from the intercom on my desk, "your father is here."_

_I reached forward and hit a button. "Send him in."_

_Bella got up from my lap as my father walked in. "Carlisle!" she called, walking over to him as he encased her in a hug. It made me happy knowing how close my family had gotten with Bella, my parents in particular._

"_How are you, sweetie?" he asked all father like._

"_Wonderful," she beamed, "and you?"_

"_Oh, you know, hangin' in there," Carlisle joked._

_I sat there, eating my meal as the two caught up. Bella, the love of my life and Carlisle, my best friend and father, just having a simple conversation, it warmed my heart. I smiled as I thought of all the wonderful things Bella did to me, for me, since the day we had me. Not only did she love me unconditionally, but she took a pick to my heart and chipped all the ice away that Tanya had created. Bella was patient with me, not rushing me into anything, which was so more than I could say about other single women in their mid 20s._

"_Bella, do you mind if Edward and I talk in private?" Carlisle asked kindly._

_Bella, still smiling, shook her head. "See you at home?" she asked before giving me a chaste kiss._

_I nodded, watching her leave. Once the door closed I glanced at my father for the first time since he entered the room. "Jesus, dad, are you ok? You look pale."_

_He smiled softly. "Edward, we need to talk."_

"'_Bout what?" I managed to say through the mouthful of food in my mouth._

"_Your mother and I are moving back to Forks." Before I could manage to butt in, he already held his hand up in protest. "I don't want to hear it. We've been looking for a place to stay the past couple weeks. It turns out it must be fate because our old house is up for sale. We got it, Edward. We're moving next month."_

"_Dad," I interpreted, "I know how much you loved that house, and I did too. It holds all of our memories, but your family is here. Alice and Jazz are here more times than not, Em and Rose would drop everything to fly out and see you. Not to mention, Bella and I live minutes from you guys! Your whole family is centered in Chicago. Why-"_

"_I'm sick, Edward," Carlisle interrupted._

"_Yeah, you look pale. What is it? Just a cold? I bet it's that shit food ma thinks is edible, huh?"_

_He tried to give a small smile. "No, Edward, I'm really sick."_

_Nothing had sunk in yet. "Do you need to use the rest room?"_

"_Edward," he got up from his seat and walked over to me, leaning against my desk. He took my hands in his and stared right at me. My stomach felt unsettled. "I have cancer, son."_

_I have never been speechless in my life. Not when I was pulled over for speeding, or when I saw Bella walking down the aisle. I can honestly say the only time I had been rendered speechless, up until this point in my life, was when my father said he was dying of cancer. I tried to stop the onset of immediate tears. They were tears of sadness, tears of anger, and tears of fear._

"_There's nothing wrong with showing emotion," my father said as he hugged me. "I love you, son. And the only reason I'm telling you before the others is because when the time comes, I need _you _to be strong. I won't have the strength and you know your mother," my father whispered, his voice becoming tighter the longer he talked. I hugged him firmer, silently letting him know I'd be there for him. "I love all my boys the same. You, Jasper, Emmett, you're all my pride and joy. So are my four grandsons and my three daughter in laws. I'm surrounded by a happy, healthy family. A family who loves me and who loves each other. I've lived a full and happy life. I've accomplished much, Edward." I felt myself nodding and he coddled me. "Of course… a granddaughter would be nice," Carlisle tried to change gears and lighten the mood._

_I rolled my eyes, trying to picture My Bella with a baby in her tummy. And then it hit me. "How long?" I whispered, releasing him to look in his eyes. He wouldn't lie to me._

"_A year. Maybe more, maybe less. Every doctor says something different. Some say 6 months, other say a year and a half. I've read stories online where patients have lasted over two years with medication and faith."_

"_Dad," I whispered. He shushed me._

"_Your mother and I are moving. I expect your help." I nodded slowly. "And I also expect you to keep this between us. No telling Bella or your siblings. Bella's face, God love her, is an open book. And your siblings," he paused, "well, they'll find out when I feel it's time for them to know."_

_We said our goodbyes and as I closed the door behind him, I slid down it and brought my knees to my chest. I stayed this way until my next meeting at 3._

I walked over to my chair and slipped on my jacket. I needed to get the hell out of here. It started pouring as I exited the building. I called the airline and placed an emergency flight out tonight, not waiting any longer. I missed my father. I missed my family. I glanced at my watch noting how early it was, hoping Isabella was still with Renee. I planned it out in my head that she could still use the ticket I had purchased for her and just come in tomorrow. My family would wonder why we hadn't come together, but that didn't matter right now. I just really needed to be with my father, alone. I didn't bother calling the hotel to request another night. I wanted to be by my father's side, doing anything I could.

We had gotten lucky and my father's cancer wasn't as aggressive as the doctors had described. He was terminal, but every doctor's visit his life expectancy had become just a little longer. Fear struck me as I walked into the house. I'm going to have to tell Isabella about Carlisle. I'm going to have to tell her my father's dying and that's part of the reason I've been distant. Distant? More like a mere silhouette of her former husband. Who was I kidding? I wasn't going to apologize. I was going to keep her at a safe distant for as long as I could. It was a surprise to me that she was even still here. _Because she loves you, numb nuts!_ A voice yelled inside my mind. I quickly dismissed it. _The other reason why I've been distant? My heart doesn't want to get hurt and I'm so used to people letting me down, _I thought subconsciously. _I guess the cancer and the latter thought came at a convenient time, huh? I'll use both excuses to keep her away._

I entered my home office and gathered a piece of paper and a pen, quickly writing and rewriting a suitable note to Isabella. I finally settled on:

_I've decided to leave earlier than planned. Your ticket should be with this note. I'll have someone pick you up at the airport. We need to talk when you get to the hotel._

_Edward._

I reread it for the last time, noting how cold I sounded. I shook my head and quickly shut the door. I turned around and paused outside the library. I haven't stepped a foot inside this room in- God, I can't even remember. My fingers itched to touch the ivory keys of my baby grand, but I always stopped myself. It was her room; I could even smell her scent from here. I shook my head, becoming angry at myself for feeling anything.

After placing her note and ticket on the kitchen table, I started gathering things from the bathroom to place in my travel pack. I heard a banging from the front of the house but dismissed it as the rain that continued to beat down. I turned to exit the bathroom when I ran right into Isabella.

"Jesus!" I yelled, my heart beating fast, "you scared the shit out of me!" I looked her over as she bounced from foot to foot, holding her crotch. She had smeared makeup and her hair was waving but the thing I noticed most was the way her ivory skin contrasted against the navy blue of her dress. I shook my head to clear my thoughts.

"Sorry, sorry, sorry!" she sputtered, "I really have to pee, can you leave for a sec?"

I didn't say anything else as I walked past her. She was in there for awhile and I was thankful. Now I had to think of something to say to her. I banged three times on the door and walked away, not caring to hear what she said. By the time she had emerged from the bathroom I was filling up my suitcase with senseless things, not really paying much attention. I pointed to her side of the bed. "Sit."

She sat on her knees, I could see the plush white of my robe that she was wrapped in and became angry for no reason. "Where are you going?"

I gathered some socks and placed them in my suitcase. "Home."

"But this… this is your home," Isabella said, her voice becoming thick.

I chuckled because this house hadn't felt like a home since my parents left Chicago. "No, Isabella. This is my house." I stopped abruptly, the sudden urge to scream swept over me. I gripped the pair of dress pants tightly to rein myself in. "Forks- where my parents are, my family- that is my home." I heard her sigh angrily and walk over to me.

"Okay, well I wish you would have given me notice that we were leaving earlier-"

"You're not coming," I said impassively.

"But you said-"

I cut her off. "Your flight leaves tomorrow at 4 pm. You'll get in around 7. I'll arrange for someone to pick you up. If nobody can, well then," I paused because what if no one could? Shit. I'd have to. No, I'd call a cab. "I'll arrange for a cab. Your ticket is on the kitchen table." I stopped what I was doing and lifted my head. I wanted to see her. I wanted to look into her eyes for the first time in a long time and just study her. I stopped myself and just glanced at the bottom half of her body. "I wasn't expecting you home so early," I whispered, needing to get the fuck away from her, away from this house, and away from this city.

I saw her walking over to me, but when she reached a hand out I froze. "Don't," I whispered.

I could almost feel the anger rising in her. "Don't what, Edward?" _Yes, Isabella, get angry. It'll make things so much easier for both of us._

I was feeding off of her anger. "Don't act like you fucking care."

"I do care. I have cared! If I didn't, would I still be here after months and months of putting up with your shit?" She cowered back and I could hear the tears that threatened in her eyes.

I didn't care anymore. She had no idea the shit I had kept bottled up inside me for the past year and a half. She didn't know what I was going through. She didn't know who I was anymore. Hell, I didn't even know who I was anymore. All of this thinking pissed me off even further. I slammed my suitcase shut and zipped it close. "Why are you here, Isabella?" I slipped on my shoes and looked at her for the first time in a long time. I studied her face. It looked soft, delicate. Her lips were red, her skin was pale and she had a slight flush to her cheeks. All of the smeared makeup had been cleaned up. _C'mon Edward, get pissed,_ Bad Edward insisted. I took his advice and said the one thing that I knew would break the both of us. "Tell me," I insisted, my tone much harsher, "because I never asked you to stay."

I practically bolted from the house, grabbing the note I had left her and threw it away. I slammed the door and made my way to the airport, deciding it was best I stay there until my flight.

I sat in a seat and hung my head in shame. _She doesn't deserve this_, Good Edward warred, _all she's done is love you. She's been patient, she always has been, and you know it. _I wanted to tell him I knew it, but I wasn't the same Edward. I was Bad Edward. I was who I never wanted to be, who I always feared I'd become.

Feel free to review and tell me what you think!

The song is I and Love and You by The Avett Brothers. Great band and a great song.


	3. Hey Jude

SM owns all.

Hey everyone! Thanks again for the reviews, I love hearing your thoughts and opinions.

I hope everyone had a fun and safe Halloween! I know I did… If you think taking a loud, 16 month old who stops to pick up every leaf, rock, or piece of dirt he sees trick or treating is fun. I kid, I kid. I love my little nephew.

Oh, by the way, I can't guarantee Edward's POV every chapter. I just write it when I feel he really has to tell his side of the story. Lately, he just won't shut up. I'm not sure if you care or even like Edward's POV, but I digress!

Oh, and I've been contemplating adding links for this story to my profile page. I think I'll add Bella's engagement ring just because it was fun to pick out and I happen to think it's beautiful.

Anyways, on with it!

The flight had been quick, luckily. I slept minimally but at least I caught a few winks here and there. I drove the rented car back home, back to where my family is. I didn't mind the drive. Honestly, I really like when I can just turn down the radio and drown myself with the thoughts filtering through my mind. I can't do that a lot in the city with the constant noise of cars, buses, and sirens. I love the city; don't get me wrong, I just liked being by myself every so often, too.

The closer I was to Forks, the harder it rained. It was fitting, really. My mood turned even more somber as I hung the left onto the old, hidden road that would lead me to my old home. Within minutes of arriving I had my bag by my side, my hair soaked with rain, and my mother's arms around my waist. Her tears fell almost as hard as the rain on the windows.

"Ma," I whispered, hoping to ease her tears. "It's okay."

"I know," she sniffled, "I've just missed you like crazy."

I hugged her tighter, loving the feel of her care after months of being away. I am, and always will be, a momma's boy. I rubbed her back softly and kissed the crown of her head. "Where is he, Mom?"

She pulled away and wiped absently at the tears falling from her eyes. "We set up a room for him in one of the guest suites on the third floor. He said he wanted to be close to Heaven so the angels wouldn't-" She broke off into a sob half way through. She sniffled a few more times before continuing, "so the angels wouldn't have far to travel."

I shook my head. Leave it to Carlisle to be so considerate to the angels. It was a pretty shitty thing to say though. My father spoke of his death often, but never in sad terms. No, Carlisle would never dwell on the sadness of his position. He said when it was his time to go, then it was his time to go; God never makes mistakes. I believed him or maybe I wanted to. Growing up I was never religious and only attended religious functions to appease my parents. When I learned of my father's illness I was devastated and then I became angry. Not angry at Carlisle or his doctors, but at God. I asked myself why he was doing this. Why did He want to take a father of three, grandfather of four, and beloved husband away from his family? He was the kindest, sweetest man with a heart of gold. So why take Carlisle when there were people out there far worse than him? There are angry sinners, pedophiles, murderers, etc. I thought long and hard about this and came up with an answer that settled me and my other siblings: Carlisle was far too good for this Earth and God didn't want his soul, so beautiful, to be tainted by anything bad. I know, it was farfetched, but it helped me and my brothers cope.

I walked up the stairs and swore that each step closer to Carlisle was a weight off my shoulders. Coming here was something I needed to do to relieve not only the heavy weight on my heart, but the weight of my families as well.

I knocked on the door softly, afraid I may wake him. I didn't wait for an answer as I opened the door slowly, peeking my head inside. My father was sitting up in bed, blankets draped across his frail frame, and a window open across the room which drafted a breeze every few seconds. He had a book open and a pen his hand.

"Edward? Is that you?" His voice was small but it didn't sound weak.

"Yeah, Dad, it's me."

He looked me over and smiled all he could muster. "You look good, my boy. Where's the beautiful Bella?"

I swallowed thickly. "I came up a day early," I started softly, glancing at the ground. "I wanted to spend a day alone with you, if that's ok?"

He was still smiling as he motioned for me to sit in the chair next to the bed. "Of course Edward, you never have to ask that. I haven't spent time alone with you in… I don't even know how long."

I smiled weakly, "I know, I'm sorry." I felt guilty, really fucking guilty. "I'm here now, Dad, I'm here now."

He patted my hand that rested gently on the blanket. "Don't be sorry, son. You have a wife now and she's your family."

"But you guys are still my family, too," I corrected.

"Yes of course, and we always will be, but you need to make sure she's happy. Let me tell you, son, when you find that one person in your life that you love more than anything, that you'd give your own life for…" he trailed off with a slight smile and a shake of his head, "well that's love. You can't be letting that go. You and Bella are meant to be together, I could feel it the second you brought her home, Edward. The very _second_. You're different with her, a good different. Your demeanors different, she calms you, doesn't she?" _She used to;_ I wanted to say but simply nodded my agreement. "Remember when you first brought Tanya home?" I nodded again, wishing he wouldn't bring her up. "You were so concerned with how we were going to perceive her. You defended her actions and personality weeks before she even stepped foot through the door, Edward. You could never relax around her. She was so high strung."

"I know Dad, that's why I didn't marry her," I defended myself, trying not to sound agitated.

"No Edward, you didn't marry her because you knew she wasn't right for you." Maybe he was right, but I know I would have married her if she didn't turn out to be such a fucking skank. I never told my family, aside from my brothers, the real reason Tanya and I never married. My parents didn't need to know what a tramp she was. "Things with Bella are so much different. You're two halves of a whole. When you and your brothers were younger I would tell Esme how I couldn't leave this Earth until you had all found the ones you were meant to be with. Until you three had found your other halves. You have, Edward, all three of you."

"So you're saying that's why you got cancer? That's why you're up here with the window open so the angels can take you away? Because your three sons have found their so called "other halves"? That's fucked up." I couldn't help the anger rising in my voice.

He laughed softly, slightly out of breath. "No Edward, the window is open because I like to feel the breeze on my skin. I don't have enough strength to walk outside, but I don't want to spend my remaining months cooped up in a stuffy room."

I hung my head and wiped quickly at my tears before they could fall. "I'm sorry," I whispered lowly, half hoping he wouldn't hear me.

"Nonsense. You have nothing to be sorry for."

We sat in silence for some time. I sat in the chair next to Carlisle's bed while he worked on a crossword puzzle. So many things were running through my mind that I couldn't focus on one long enough to come up with an answer. Isabella popped up in my mind every time I ran my fingers through my hair. By now she was in her library reading a book, or maybe she was cooking dinner. I used to love when I'd come from work to find her in one of my white button downs, knee high socks, and her hair thrown up messily. She never looked more beautiful to me. Isabella couldn't cook for shit, but the girl tried.

"What's a poetic, three letter word for before?" Carlisle asked, biting the cap of his pen thoughtfully.

"Uhm," I paused, thinking Isabella would know the answer. "Ere?" I asked.

His face lit up, "that's my boy." He quickly wrote it down and closed his book. "You'll stay here tonight?"

"Of course Dad," I said softly, a genuine smile lit up my face.

We made small talk for a while. I let him know how work was going and he explained that Esme wanted to plant a small garden just off the patio. "It'll keep her busy," he explained. I nodded my head thinking that yes, it would. He also tried to be coy about being kept busy… with a baby. I didn't even acknowledge his comment.

"Alice and Jasper will be over shortly," Esme stated as she walked in with a glass of water and two pills for Carlisle.

"That'll be nice," I added. "I haven't seen Austin in months." Austin was their three year old and from what I gathered, he was a handful these days.

"Oh Edward, he's such a joy. So beautiful, I just love him to death," Esme beamed, clasping her hands together as she sat next to her husband in the bed.

"Not more beautiful than our boys, though," Carlisle teased. Esme rolled her eyes playfully. "When are you and Bella going to give me a granddaughter?" Carlisle asked, facing me as he placed his hand in Esme's.

"Dad," I warned, "didn't we just talk about this?"

They both laughed. "I talked, you ignored. Besides, I don't have much time, son."

I didn't laugh and neither did Esme. It hit me hard. What he said was true. Carlisle didn't have much time. "We're not ready for kids," I explained. _Nor will we ever be_, I added silently. We? No. I won't be ready. She might be but I won't be. It's not that I didn't want kids, I did actually. The thought of a little me running around kind of made me smile. But with Isabella? No. I… just… no. Her and I haven't made love- had sex- in months, 18 to be exact. It was difficult. Not only was I in a loveless marriage, I wasn't fucking anyone either. Ugh! There's only so much pleasure your own hand could generate.

"You two will make such a beautiful child. With your looks and her brains, that kid will be so well rounded," Carlisle joked.

"What're you saying, Dad? I'm not the smart one?" I rolled my eyes, smiling, and shook my head. I stretched in my chair and yawned.

Esme stood and walked over to me, gently cupping my cheek. "Oh, Edward, why don't you go lay down for a while? I'll wake you when Jasper and Alice arrive."

I was half asleep by now and I simply nodded. I stood and leaned over, laying a soft kiss upon my father's head. "Close the window, you're freezing."

"It's refreshing," he murmured before I slipped down the stairs into my old room. Because they had sold it and bought it back, all of my furniture, posters, and memorabilia were gone. Even the old blue paint was replaced by sterile white walls. This didn't feel like the warmth of my childhood room. It didn't seem to hold all the old memories. This was a sterile guest room at best. I sat on the bed, resting my head against the feather pillows. I kicked off my shoes, not bothering to change clothes or pull up the blankets. The call of the wild outside my window lulled me to sleep.

A few hours later Jasper, Alice, and Austin arrived. I was up, showered, and had eaten dinner by the time they pulled into the driveway.

"Well it's about time, Hale's," I joked, sweeping Austin up as he ran into the house. "How's my boy?" I asked in a childish voice, tickling him all over.

"Uncle E!" he exclaimed, so excited to see me. "Mommy said you and Uncle Emmy can teach me to play ball!"

I smiled at the thought. "Sure thing, little man."

"Oh Edward, you have no clue what it's like traveling with a child," Alice said, rolling her eyes as she dropped the diaper bag full of books and toys on the ground.

"C'mon, Austin can't be that bad."

"No, he's great. I was talking about your brother."

We all laughed and I put Austin down as Esme walked into the room.

"Meme!" Austin exclaimed, joy filling his adorable brown eyes.

Esme picked him up, showering him in kisses all over his face and neck. The two played on the floor, building with legos and reading books.

"Where's Bella?" Jasper asked.

"I wanted to spend some time alone with you guys. It was a last minute decision."

"Hmm," was Alice's only response.

"Alice do you mind picking her up in Seattle tomorrow? I want to spend some time alone with dad."

"Sure thing," Alice beamed, "I haven't had any real girl time since August when Rose came to visit."

I nodded my thanks and got up, making my way to the kitchen. I poured myself a glass of scotch and downed it in one gulp. I welcomed the burn and warmth as it settled in my stomach. I braced my hands on the kitchen counter, listening to Esme and Austin as they both giggled. I'm sure she welcomed the distraction with open arms. Alice and Jasper were talking in hushed volumes; I was barely able to make out what they were saying. Deciding I didn't care enough, I opened the door in the kitchen that led out to the back patio and sat on the concrete steps. They were wet, but I couldn't bring myself to care.

I heard the door open and close behind me. A glass nearly overflowing with golden liquid was shoved into my hands.

"How's everything going?" Jasper asked, sitting next to me.

I glanced at him before answering, "as good as it can go."

"And Bella?"

I paused for a second and thought. How was Isabella? Taking all things into consideration, she wasn't terrible. I provided a roof over her head. I provided her food and nutrition. I provided her a safe haven. But, as warm as the heaters were at night, and the safeness of our house, I was cold to her. And my chill couldn't be warmed by another notch on the thermostat or extra blanket at night. No, my chill was permanent, like a disease just growing inside. Like a… like a cancer. Not only was my father dying physically of cancer, but my wife was dying emotionally from it. I blinked hard, pulling a cigarette from the pack I had in my back pocket. "She's fine."

"Can I bum one?" Jasper asked.

"They're stale," I added before handing him the pack. "I haven't smoked in months."

"I just need a diversion," he whispered. I nodded and took another gulp of my drink. We sat in silence for a while, just casting indifferent glances out into the forest of our back yard. It was eerily quiet up here. No sounds of the city, just the sound of nature. Every so often the hoot of an owl would pull me from my daze and I'd take another drink.

"I never thought I'd have to say goodbye to him," Jasper said quietly. I don't think he meant to say it aloud, but I contemplated his words. I remembered what Carlisle had told me months ago.

_"I love you, son. And the only reason I'm telling you before the others is because when the time comes, I need _you _to be strong. I won't have the strength and you know your mother."_

Yes. I needed to be strong for my siblings. I couldn't let my father down, he trusted me.

"Jasper," I whispered, putting my arm around his shoulders, "these things happen." It was the only thing I could think to say. "Dad has lived such a full life. He had three successful sons, he has four beautiful grandchildren, and he's watched us all find love. That's all he's ever wanted."

Jasper nodded. "I know, Edward, but the thought of him suffering just," he paused as his voice wavered, "it just breaks my heart. He doesn't deserve this."

I patted his back softly. "No one does, but dad needs us to be strong, Jaz."

I saw him wipe absently at the tears that had fallen. "I know," he admitted, "but every time Alice and I leave, I feel like it's the last time I have to say goodbye to him."

I wanted to tell him that it may in fact be, but I couldn't bring myself to say the words. So, I tried to sound optimistic, something that was foreign to me. "You heard what the doctors said, Jaz, they've given him a few more months. But when it's his time, then it's his time. When God takes him, he'll take him for a reason." I brought God into it because I know it comforts people, it settles them, especially Jasper.

"You're right."

I nodded. "I know," I said jokingly.

Jasper stood and so did I. We hugged each other tightly, comforting one another before making our way back inside.

"Jasper," Alice sniffed the air as Jasper sat next to her, "why do I smell cigarettes?"

"They're mine," I offered, taking the blame. "I needed to take my mind off of things."

Alice eyed me suspiciously as Jasper took a big gulp of his drink. I smiled at the thought of Jasper using liquor as mouthwash.

The rest of the night was spent up in Carlisle's room. We had made a picnic of deserts around his bed and we shared childhood memories. Austin fell asleep on my shoulder as I hummed a lullaby to him. It was a precious moment that I'll forever cherish. I offered to take him downstairs and tuck him in. I was just pulling up the covers when his eyes opened and he smiled up at me. I shushed him and kissed his forehead.

"Uncle E?" He mumbled sleepily.

"Yeah bud?"

"Will you sing to me?"

I couldn't say no to a sleepy face like his.

I motioned for him to make room for me. He lay under the covers as I lay atop them. He curled up next to me, his little head rested on my upper arm. I decided to sing the song that I used to sing him when he was a baby.

_Hey Jude don't make it bad  
Take a sad song and make it better  
Remember to let her into your heart  
Then you can start to make it better_

Hey Jude don't be afraid  
You were made to go out and get her  
The minute you let her under your skin  
Then you begin to make it better  
  
_And any time you feel the pain, Hey Jude, refrain  
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders  
For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool  
By making his world a little colder_

"How come you always sing that to me?" He asked, his little hand tugging on his ear, a sign that he was tired.

"Your aunt started it," I answered truthfully.

"Aunt Belly?" Austin asked excitedly.

"Yes."

"So why do you sing it to me then?"

"Because I used to sing it to her all the time," I whispered, "and one time when you were just a baby you started crying and once you heard me singing it you just stopped. It was amazing. After that, ever time I'd hear you cry I would sing that song to you and you would stop. It wouldn't work for anyone else though." I smiled at the memory of Jasper trying to console Austin while singing that song, it only made him cry louder. "So it's like our own little song."

"And Belly's," he added softly. I smiled down at him and nodded. "Does Aunt Belly love you like mommy loves daddy?" I wasn't sure, but I nodded anyways. "Do you love her like daddy loves mommy?" I couldn't say no, so I nodded, a lie I so often told. "When is she going to be a mommy?"

I had to laugh at his absurd question. "I'm not sure, Austin. You need to go back to sleep or your moms going to kick my assbutt!" I tried to recover as quickly as I could by meshing the two together.

"What's an assbutt?"

"Shh," I quieted him, laughing softly. "I'll see you tomorrow." I stood and kissed his forehead softly, ruffling his light brown curls. "I love you, Austin."

"Love you, Uncle E."

The following day we had coffee at the kitchen table. Esme and Alice made cinnamon rolls from scratch. They chatted about nothing and everything at the same time.

"I'm so excited for Bella to get here!" Alice enthused. As she clapped her hands together, flour went flying. Jasper laughed, tousling his son's curls, and excusing himself.

"Mommy!" Austin yelled from her left as he played with his legos. "You got flour all over me."

"I'm sorry, baby," she cooed. "Here," she handed him a clean rag, "you can use this to clean up."

"I should kick your assbutt!"

An uncomfortable quiet filled the room and my eyebrows shot up. Alice slowly turned to Austin but had her eyes on me. "Where did you hear that word?" She had her no nonsense mom voice on.

Austin smiled big and pointed to me, "Uncle E!"

"That's a no-no word, Austin," Esme chimed in, trying to conceal her smile.

Austin didn't give another thought as he continued building his castle.

"Edward," Alice warned.

"Sorry Allicat," I purred, sticking out my bottom lip.

She shook her head and turned back to helping Esme.

"Is Dad up, Ma?" I asked, wanting to get the hell away from Alice's wrath.

"I'm not sure, but it's time for his pill anyway. Want to take it up to him?"

I nodded my head and grabbed a glass of water and one of his pills before heading up stairs.

"Hey Dad," I called into his room, relieved that Jasper was in the room talking with him. Carlisle smiled as I entered the room. "I come baring gifts from your wife." I placed the rather large pill in the palm of his hand and the glass of water on the night stand. He swallowed the pill and drank his water without even a blink of an eye.

"I can't tell you how excited I am for Bella to get here," Carlisle enthused. I was glad that his voice had a little more life in it today.

"So you're not excited that I'm here?" I teased.

"Oh you know what I mean, Edward. My whole family will be here. My three handsome sons and their wives as well as my grandchildren. This is what you should live for, trust me boys." He looked at both of us. We both nodded, but Jasper already fulfilled Carlisle's hope, I hadn't. I couldn't help but think that I was letting him down.

"Emmett will be here tonight, too," Jasper said as he went over to shut the window. Carlisle was about to object when a delicious scent wafted into the room.

"Fresh cinnamon rolls?" Esme beamed lovingly.

We all dug in. Carlisle ate his slowly, savoring the taste. I watched as Austin inhaled his, getting more icing on his face and in his hair than actually in his mouth. I laughed at the site and captured the image, holding it forever in my heart.

"I'm leaving, Edward," Alice said before hugging me.

"Hey, don't tell her… about Carlisle."

Alice looked a little confused at first and then nodded. "She doesn't know?"

I shook my head. "She's been stressed out lately," I lied, "I didn't want to add anything onto it."

Alice was puzzled but nodded anyways. "I won't say anything."

I offered a weak smile. "Thanks, Al."

After Alice left I decided to work on some of the stuff I had brought with me. I walked into Carlisle's old office, the smell of dust and his old cologne assaulted me as I choked on the pungent smell. It's like his smell lingered in this room for years after we moved. I opened my brief-case to the stack of paper work I needed to complete and took it out begrudgingly. I fired up the computer on the desk and answered several unopened emails. I spent the next few hours working on things before I called it quits. I ate a light dinner and said my goodbyes, promising to be back tomorrow morning with Isabella.

I checked into the hotel and immediately wished I had gotten a room with two beds. This one looked significantly smaller than the one we shared. _It's going to be one uncomfortable night,_ I thought as I pulled out the bottled of scotch and took two big gulps. Maybe she would sleep on the couch? Yeah, maybe.

By the time nine o'clock rolled around, I was well on my way to drunk and I decided to walk down the street to a small convenience store for some snacks. I got off the phone with Alice and shoved it in my back pocket. I grabbed a bag of Cheetos and thought about what Isabella would want. I'm sure she would be hungry after not having eaten dinner. I settled on a bag of Salt and Vinegar chips and a few sodas. By the time I had stumbled back to the parking lot, I heard Isabella's laughter ringing out.

"Isabella?" I called out, nearly falling on my face as I stumbled on a rock.

She froze and turned slightly in my direction, "Edward." Her tone held no emotion.

I waved Alice on and told Isabella to follow me. I led her to the back of the building and down a concrete path. I stopped in front of a glass sliding door. I unlocked it after a few attempts; laughing at myself each time I failed. I could hear her sighs of disapproval from behind me.

She dumped her stuff on the small bed and sat in one of the chairs at the small table in the corner of the room. I could feel her eyes on me.

"Are you… drunk?" she asked, whispering the last word.

I laughed forebodingly. "It would appear so now wouldn't it, Isabella?"

I could practically hear her rolling her eyes. I got up and snatched the bottle, now half empty, and sat back on the bed. "We need to talk." I took a few deep breaths, not knowing how to start this conversation. "Carlisle-" I stopped myself, taking another drink from the bottle. I decided to approach this another way. "Alice didn't say anything?"

She laughed sarcastically and shook her head. "Alice said a lot. I think my ears are bleeding."

"About Carlisle, Isabella," I added, the words dripping with venom. I didn't want to play her games.

"No."

"He has cancer," I blurted out. I shook my head after I said it. I was such a fucking idiot. I swear I have no filter.

Isabella was silent for a few moments so I took this opportunity to down quite a few more shots. I couldn't even feel the burn anymore.

"What kind of cancer?" She asked softly. I glanced up, her voice sounded weak, soft, frail. She had pulled her knees up to her chest, her cheek resting gently on a knee while her arms were wrapped around them loosely.

"Pancreatic."

"Is he going to be ok?"

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I hadn't told anyone of my father's illness yet. I hadn't yet uttered the words that no, Carlisle wasn't going to make it. That my father would inevitably die. I was thankful that I hadn't had to say those words yet, it would make things real. I hated Isabella even more in this moment. Why did she have to make me say it? Why did she have to make it real?

I stood quickly, slamming the bottle on to the TV stand, and headed out onto the patio. I slammed the door with as much force as I could muster in my stupor. I was disappointed in myself. I had taken the easy road. Emmett and Jasper had enough balls to tell their wives that Carlisle had cancer. They had confided in their wives that their father was dying and here I was, pissed that Isabella wanted answers. I was an asshole. I was scum. I couldn't take blame for a damn thing. After a cigarette and many, many dark thoughts, I walked back inside and sat on the bed.

Isabella got up and sat next to me on the bed. I had to fight the urge to move. "He's terminal. The doctors gave him a few months. He's known for awhile."

The silence hung in the room like a dense, awkward cloud.

Nothing else was said that night.

The next morning, while Isabella was showering, Alice called. I huffed loudly and told her she was showering.

"Well hand her the phone! This is important! And no, it can't wait," she demanded.

I pursed my lips together and banged loudly on the door. The shower was no longer running, luckily or unluckily, I wasn't sure. She opened the door just as I raised my hand to knock again. She was wrapped in a skimpy towel that fell uncomfortably high and rested just above her nipples. Okay, maybe I was exaggerating, but I hadn't seen this much of her skin in a very long time. Her dark hair contrasted against the paleness of her skin.

"Yeah?" she asked.

I handed the phone over to her without a word.

"Hello?" She asked timidly. I heard Alice's high pitched voice and Isabella visibly relaxed. Who was she expecting it to be ? "No, no, I don't think I can. Well, I'm not sure. Oh, they are?" she looked up at me before turning her back. "Okay then. Mrs. Cullen and Rosalie too?" I scoffed at the 'Mrs. Cullen' line. Since when was Esme Mrs. Cullen to Isabella? I guess about the same time I became Edward and not her husband. I rolled my eyes and sat on the bed, resting back on my forearms. Her left leg lifted to brush against her right as she leaned against the door frame. "Oh, uhm, sure then. Yeah, yeah I guess I need one then, too. I'll be ready whenever you are." There was a silence for a few moments before Isabella bowed her head and giggled softly. "Alice, that's very inappropriate." I heard Alice's loud giggle through the phone. "Stop it, you perv. Sure, see you then. Bye."

She took the phone from her ear and looked at it as it lit up. She didn't turn her body but she looked at me over her shoulder, a waterfall of waved hair fell in her face. I was looking at the profile of her delicate features. _Delicate features?_ _Who the fuck am I?_ I mentally noted to get checked out by a psychiatrist when I returned home. My thoughts were all over the fucking place. "I don't know how to work this." My eyes traveled from her bare feet, which she shifted on uncomfortably, to her barely-there-towel clad body, finally meeting her averted gaze.

"What did she want?" I asked, making no attempt to move.

"To take me shopping in Port Angeles with Mrs. Cul- your mom and Rosalie. I guess to buy a dress for Thanksgiving. I forgot to bring one," she whispered the last part softly. "You, your brothers, and your father are going to be spending the day together with your nephews."

"Well, gee, thanks Isabella for the agenda."

She was still for a moment before gently placing my phone on a nearby table and shutting the bathroom door quietly. I blinked hard and rolled over on the bed, placing my head in the pillow. The sink was running in the bathroom when my phone rang again.

"What?" I was annoyed and didn't bother to look at the caller ID.

There was silence before a shaky voice spoke, "Uncle E?"

I silently cursed myself. "Hey buddy, how are you today?"

"Are you mad at me?"

"No, of course not. Are you ready to play ball today?" I asked, hoping to cheer him up.

"Yeah! Grampa is gonna come, too!"

I was confused, surely he didn't mean Carlisle. "I don't think so, Austin. He's sick, remember?"

"But… he's already down stairs!"

I was beyond confused. "Is your Daddy around?" I asked, wanting to figure this shit out now.

I heard a rustling and then Jaspers voice. "Ed?"

"Dad's out of bed?"

"They brought him down this morning. The doctor said it would do him some good since he's been okay lately." I could hear the hope in his voice. "The doctor came by this morning to check on him and helped him into a wheel chair. He was in a little pain at first, but Dad said it was well worth it. Em and I carried him down the stairs this morning. We're going to install one of those motorized lift things on the stairs if today goes well. When ya comin'?"

"Now," I said before hanging up. I didn't think twice before leaving the room, only stopping to grab my cell phone, car keys, and to place a credit card on the table for her.

I didn't say goodbye.


	4. When We Two Parted

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_**Disclaimer: SM owns all!**_

_**All I have to say regarding this chapter is that every story has two sides. KEEP THAT IN MIND BEFORE YOU START YOUR HATIN'! : )**_

_**Thanks to everyone for reviewing. I love to read everyone's thoughts and how this story is affecting them. As always, leave me some love after you finish with this one.**_

_**Hope all my American readers had a wonderful Holiday (did anyone enter into the crazy that is Black Friday?). For those of you who don't celebrate Thanksgiving, well, I hope you all had a fabulous week and are having an even better weekend!**_

_**Also, sorry for the long delays between chapters, college is kicking my ass. Two papers down, two research papers to go. We're so close to the end of the semester!**_

_**Here's the next installment. Hope you enjoy.**_

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_When we two parted_

_In silence and in tears._

_Half broken-hearted_

_To sever for years,_

_Pale grew thy cheek and cold,_

_Colder thy kiss;_

_Truly that hour foretold_

_Sorrow to this._

**- Lord Byron **

I wish that there was something in the brain, perhaps even the heart that I could just shut off. Shut off any feeling I may have had - still have - towards him_._ _All right, Edward, I understand that you're in mourning over the fact that your father is ill. I get it, I really do, but why must you take that out on me? I'm your wife. Let me be your wife._

"Let me be there for you," I whispered softly, resting a hand against the closed door to the bathroom. I turned around and looked at myself in the mirror. _Who have I become? The old me was strong, independent, a no-nonsense woman. I don't know who I am anymore. This person staring back at me is a stranger. Two years ago I would have never let a man disrespect me this much. _With a heavy sigh and a slight pull on the strings of my heart, I got ready for the fun filled day that was sure to come spent with Alice, Rosalie, and _Esme_. I put emphasis on her name because I couldn't very well be calling her Mrs. Cullen to her face.

After applying a bit of mascara to my lashes, I pulled on a pair of dark jeans and a black sweater. I let my hair air dry into its natural waves which fell heavily at the middle of my back. When I opened the door, my mind racing and my heart pounding, I realized I was alone—not just literally but figuratively as well. A lump formed in my throat when I saw the card waiting, taunting me on the nearby table. His credit card. _His fucking credit card_. What a cockwad. I shook my head absently and grabbed my things. I was livid. In lue of the recent turn of events, I decided to wait for Alice in the small lobby.

While waiting those short fifteen minutes, my mind was reeling with the same word over and over again; Divorce.

The day hadn't been too terrible if you count walking around in pointless shops for hours on end too terrible. I did manage to buy a rather expensive black lace dress for Thanksgiving dinner. The dress was long sleeved, all lace with a black, sweetheart neck lined slip underneath. It was beautiful, classy, with a pop of sex appeal due to the half exposed, lace covered back. When I first tried it on I thought, _hmm, who am I trying to impress? It's not like my husband even looks at me much less wants to fuck me._ But then I got to thinking and figured maybe I could use it when I was single again. And that's when it really hit me; I was really contemplating a divorce. Maybe it was the anger from earlier or the stress from those long months spent a lone. Either way I was serious about this. The dress made me feel beautiful, sure, but what's it matter when you have no one who tells you that you are? I missed the love we used to share. I missed the two a.m. love sessions. I missed my husband.

After buying the dress I treated "the girls" to lunch. Well, Edward's credit card did. After perusing the stores I decided Edward should buy me a few pairs of jeans, some sweaters and a nice, expensive pair of winter boots. I smiled the whole time. It was the _least _he could do after all. Alice and Rosalie shopped for their men so I figured I had to buy something for Edward. I didn't want it to seem like I was selfish or that there might be something wrong in loverville. The men's store was filled with beautiful dress shirts, slacks, and pants but I headed straight for the ties. If there was anything Edward loved more than his family, it was ties. Sure they weren't the expensive looking ties like he was used to, but they were nice nonetheless. The green ones really called his name, Edward looked good in green. I mentally scolded myself. _What? _I bargained, _he may be a cock, but he's a beautiful cock…_ and that started the onslaught of dirty thoughts. I shook my head, ridding those thoughts immediately. I sighed; green really did make his eyes stand out. Once my eyes locked on a beautiful green paisley tie, I knew it had to be bought. There were two patterns Edward hated more than anything: houndstooth and paisley.

The ride home was silent. Esme drove while Alice emailed back and forth with a few work clients. I was stuck in the back with Rosalie who was glancing out the window. I took this as a good time to feign sleep. I was nervous for the evening. Edward and I would have to fake it. I sure as hell hoped he was a better actor around his family than he was around his work colleagues.

Before I knew it I was being shaken awake by Rosalie.

"Not so rough, Rose," Alice scolded.

"Well she could sleep through a damn earth quake," was her only response before grabbing her bags and shutting the car door.

Alice smiled happily and helped me with my bags. "She gets cranky when she's hungry."

I forced a laugh and threw a glance towards the impending house. "I understand," I muttered softly.

Esme and Rosalie entered the house while Alice and I lingered outside a beat longer.

"Why are you so fidgety?" She asked softly. I could tell her question was coming from a genuine spot in her heart, not just curiosity.

I sighed softly, "I'm not sure." It was a lie. Of course I knew why, but I couldn't tell her that I was nervous about being around my husband of two years and his family. That would be rude, wouldn't it?

She linked her arm through mine and pulled me gently towards the door. "C'mon," she offered gently, "it'll be OK."

It was okay at first. I helped Esme with dinner. Cooking wasn't my strong suit, that was for sure, but it took my mind off things.

"Do you know how to make Chicken Marsala?" Esme asked, excited that I had volunteered.

"I've never made it before, no," I answered truthfully before adding, "but I've seen it made on the Food Network Channel plenty of times."

This produced a laugh from both Esme and Rosalie. I smiled a real, genuine smile. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad.

"Bella!" A loud, booming voice yelled from behind me. I turned around as two strong arms encircled my waist and lifted me with ease.

I screamed loudly and flailed my hands back and forth. "Put me down! Put me down! Put me down!" I chanted, beating my small fists on a very large chest.

"How are you?" Emmett asked, swirling me around. He has always loved torturing me.

"I'll be a lot better when my feet are safely on the ground again!"

"Emmett," a voice scolded. It was Edward's; I'd know that voice anywhere. "Put my wife down. Now." He was very commanding and his use of the word _wife_ hadn't gone unnoticed. It sounded strained.

"Sheesh, all right. You always spoil the fun, Eddie." I could practically hear Edward's eyes roll.

After my feet were safely placed back on the ground, I let out a long sigh before two smaller arms encircled my legs. "Aunt Belly!" A soft voice called from below.

I turned and smiled instantly. "Austin!" I kneeled on the floor and pulled him in for a hug. I had never been close to Alice or Rosalie's kids, but how could I deny a face like his. I plastered on a smile, not so much forced, and hugged him tight.

"Uncle E said you were coming and I'm just so excited. I made you something today, wanna see? It's a picture of everyone. Can I show you now? Uncle E said you wouldn't-"

"Of course," I answered, cutting Austin off. I didn't want him to finish that sentence in front of everyone. I glanced up at Edward from my spot on the floor. He was closer than I thought which sent shivers up my spine. I noticed his casual black pants and long sleeved shirt, his hair stood up every which way. His eyes, glazed over, were focused intently on mine. A small smirk painted his striking features. He was smoldering. As he leaned back to rest a hand on the counter, I noticed his other was occupied with a bronze liquid; Scotch, his drink of choice.

Austin shoved the picture in my hands. It was a typical drawing done by a child, but it was sweet nonetheless. Each couple was drawn holding hands with their names overhead: Alice and Jasper; Rosalie and Emmett; Esme and Carlisle; Bella and Edward. I noticed the handwriting, it was Edward's. "Do you like it?" He asked, nudging his way under my arm.

I ruffled his hair. "Of course I love it! Alice," I glanced up at her, "looks like you might have an artist on your hands."

We finished making dinner and made our way to the dining room. I sat next to Edward who was next to Carlisle at the head of the table.

"Bella," Carlisle said softly as I set a small plate of food in front of him. "How are things?"

I forced a smile, not wanting to unleash my tears in front of him. "Good. Things are good." My voice cracked on the last word.

He motioned for me to sit while the others were in the kitchen fixing their plates. "I'm sorry we couldn't meet again under better circumstances."

The lump in my throat grew enormously and I tried to coat it with as much saliva as I could produce. "Nonsense," I whispered, "this is just fine. I've missed you all so much." I hugged him gently and the feeling of his hand rubbing soft circles on my back gave me an odd sense of comfort. The clearing of a throat brought us back to earth.

"Isabella, your dinner," Edward said so soft I could barely register his words. If it wasn't for the shoving of a plate in my hands I would have thought I'd imagined it.

"Ugh, I-I," I took a deep breath, "thank you."

He didn't smile, just simply gestured for me to move over a seat.

"This is delicious!" Emmett boomed. His three kids clapped their hands in approval.

"It is," I agreed. "Thank you, Esme."

She scoffed lightly, "Oh, please hunny; you did the majority of it."

A steady conversation could be heard from each part of the table. Alice, Jasper, Edward, and Carlisle talked about work while Rosalie, Emmett and Esme gushed over the kids. I was silent, but the mental onslaught of my inner monologue just wouldn't shut up! _What are you doing here? Why are you oddly comfortable? Why does Carlisle keep looking at you like that? You should have taken your shoes off. Is Edward going to be mad at the amount of money you spent? You did need those things… he can't be that heartless, can he? I mean, he left you the credit card for a reason, right? It wasn't that much-_

"Bella?" Alice called my name, pulling me away from the inner dialogue of my subconscious. I glanced up to three pairs of eyes looking at me curiously. Edward's were downcast to his plate of barely touched food. Maybe he couldn't bring himself to eat something that I cooked. "Come with me for a minute?"

I nodded and grabbed my plate, following Alice into the kitchen. "You OK?" she asked.

"I'm fine," I said, "a bit tired, but fine."

"Here," she gestured to the bags by the front door. "Want to give Edward his gift now?"

"Uh, I-I-I guess. I mean, I'm not sure if he'll…" I trailed off. In all honesty, I was feeling significantly less brave now than I was at the store.

"Oh c'mon, he'll love it." She clapped her hands together happily.

I took the box with the ugly tie I bought him and walked slowly back to the dining room when I heard Edward talking to his Dad quietly.

"Is Bella okay?"

"Yeah, Dad, she's great," Edward replied sarcastically.

"She seems upset; maybe you should go console her."

I heard Edward take a slow, deep breath, something he did to settle himself when he was worked up. "Isabella is fine. _We're fine_," he emphasized. "In fact, if you must know, we're trying for a… a baby. So... yeah." I nearly choked when I heard his words. He was joking. He had to be. Carlisle had to have sensed this.

"Really?" Carlisle's voice sounded of pure enjoyment, happiness, life. I felt my brows crease in worry. I didn't want to let him down.

"Yes. We didn't want to tell you until we conceived, but we know how much it would mean to you."

"No, no Edward. You cannot do this for _me._ You two need to want this baby. I know how much you love your wife, and that she adores you too, but you two will need to be partners in this. You two well generate so much love for the child, but you can't just make a baby for someone-"

"I want it. We want it. We've been discussing it for… awhile." I could hear that coy smirk just breaking out onto that beautiful face of his. I hated him in this moment. I hated him so much. How dare he.

As I walked in, I placed a hand around Edward's shoulders and slipped into his lap. I knew it was pure anger and adrenalin that spurred this sudden bold movement of mine. His gate grew rigid and I settled down a little more comfortably. I purposely wiggled my ass a little on his crotch; I knew how he used to love that. It had been 18 months since I touched my husband like this. Eighteen long, torturous months and it was amazing how well I fit back into this spot. It was like we were puzzle pieces molded to fit together in this crazy, mixed up puzzle of our marriage.

I kissed his cheek gently. The scruff from his unshaven face scratched my lips but I savored the feeling. "For you, husband."

I watched him swallow hard and rearrange his arm around me to get a better grip on the box. He undid the bow and opened the slender box. I watched his face so intently that I could memorize every muscle that had moved. His lips puckered in a way that let me know he was fighting a smirk. "Paisley," he said aloud, his voice scratchy with sarcasm.

"I know how much you _love_ paisley," I said mockingly.

Edward blinked hard once before opening his eyes slowly, meeting my gaze. "I _love _you." That one particular word dripped with condescension.

I smiled, happy that I had finally gotten to him. I finally showed him that I could be as big of a dick as he was being. As he had been. As he will be, I'm sure. "I know," I stated simply before patting his hard chest and moving to my previous seat. I looked around the table, everyone was silent, each face held a look of adoration. We had fooled everyone, everyone except Alice and Jasper whose faces were of pure confusion. I smiled at them before averting their gaze.

Emmett, Jasper, and Edward cleared the table while Alice brought out desert. My adrenalin finally dissipated and dread sunk in. Was it a mistake? What would tonight entail? Would he say something about tonight or completely ignore it?

As my nerves kicked in I started to tap my leg closest to Edward. I felt a strong hand on my knee and I stilled instantly. I lifted my eyes slowly. He wasn't looking at me but he hadn't moved his hand from my knee either. I cleared my throat and went back to eating. I was extremely confused and very uncomfortable. However, I can't even tell you the amount of electric current running through my body with just a simple hand to a knee. I know I had kissed him just moments before, but Edward hadn't voluntarily touched me in ages. I nearly choked on my desert when he squeezed my knee before he rubbed his hand higher up my thigh. When he did it again, I had to check that I wasn't imagining things. No, I wasn't. Edward's large hand was really on the middle of my thigh, squeezing, pulsing every few moments before trekking higher. My heart raced and my palms began to sweat. I had to separate my leg from Edward's warm, soft hand. I stood abruptly after his hand reached new heights. I would definitely need to change my panties.

"Bathroom?" My voice cracked. I heard Edward's dark chuckle muffled behind his glass of scotch.

"Down the hall and to your left, dear," Carlisle replied, his voice took on new life after hearing of the attempt at conception.

I hurried down the hall and closed the door, resting my head against it with a soft thud. After splashing some fresh water on my face I made my way into the kitchen quietly. I was alone and decided to relish in it. I wasn't feeling any better and my heart was still racing so I decided to exit out of the door in the kitchen to the back patio. I had never been to this home and I had to admit that it was beautiful. As I sat on the steps I imagined little Edward running around in the rare sunshine or helping his mom with yard work. Was he a happy kid? I made a mental note to ask Carlisle or Esme later.

After awhile the door opened and closed abruptly. "What are you doing out here?" Edward asked, his voice neither friendly nor mocking. Was it curiosity laced with his words?

"I needed some fresh air." I moved over slightly to allow him room to sit next to me. He didn't sit, he simply stood. The smell of smoke immediately assaulted me. "Since when are you smoking again?" I asked, rubbing dirt off of my boot.

"Since I started drinking again."

That was a fair answer I suppose. I didn't need to ask why he was drinking, and by sounds of things, Edward was all ready a few in. He had never been an alcoholic, but he used to enjoy a nice drink or two after a hard day's work. He stopped when I asked him to. The old Edward would do anything I asked him to. Maybe I had been too selfish. Had I asked too much of him? Did he get sick of me? Was that what brought all this on?

"Listen," he started, breaking me from my daze, "we need to talk."

I couldn't help the laugh that bubbled up. "Do we?" I asked sarcastically.

"Yes," he sneered, "we do."

"Well, by all means," I gestured with my upturned hand to continue, "I am still your wife, aren't I?"

He laughed softly. "Why yes, Isabella, you are. And as my wife, there are certain obligations you must fulfill."

"Yeah? What about the ones that you as _my husband_ are supposed to fulfill."

"That's a moot point."

"What makes you think I'm going to fulfill a damn thing if you can't hold up your end of the bargain?" I asked angrily.

Edward walked down the steps and stood a few feet in front of me. The smell of pure Edward assaulted me as he walked by. He took one last drag from his cigarette before flicking it onto the damp grass. I could barely make out the red embers in the dark of the night. "Because I'm not the only one asking this of you. Carlisle is. He wants-"

"Me to have a baby," I finished his sentence with attitude. This subject brought up the conversation between him and Carlisle during dinner. I was about to tell him to go to hell when he cut in.

Edward turned abruptly. He was livid. "No, Isabella, he wants _me_ to have a baby. You just happen to be the woman I'm legally bound to, so you are in fact needed. But don't get it wrong, if you weren't in the picture he wouldn't care. He wants _my _genes. He wants _me_ to produce his grandchild. Not. You. You got that?"

My heart started racing and my breath caught in my throat. Tears pooled in my eyes and I turned my head away, praying the dam wouldn't brake just yet. He made no attempt to leave. "Why are you doing this?" My voice was weak and I was disappointed in myself.

"It's his last wish. It's the only thing he's ever asked of me. I'm giving it to him."

"You can't just use me like that!" I screeched.

"You are my wife!" He grew angrier but never raised his voice.

"I can't do this, Edward. I can't be your punching bag anymore!" The tears began to fall freely at this point. "I can't pretend anymore. What happened to us?" I asked, defeated. I stood up on shaky legs and walked over to him. "What have we become?"

He turned his head, not meeting my gaze. I watched as his Adams apple bobbed nervously. "We changed," he stated emotionlessly.

"No," I said softly, "_you_ changed. Something happened to you. It was like when you came home that night, you were a completely different Edward. Where did you go? Where are you, Edward? What happened?" I reached up and cupped his cheeks softly.

He immediately withdrew from my touch as if he'd been burned. "Things change. People change. It happens all the time."

I nodded my head, trying to force myself to believe it. I had been waiting for this conversation for months. I had rehearsed lines and facial expressions, anticipated his answers even. I couldn't, for the life of me, remember anything I had rehearsed.

"You asked me why I'm still here, remember? Because you never asked me to stay…" I trailed off, trying to muster up the courage. "Well," I started, the bile rising in my throat, "I'm not. "

"What's that supposed to mean?" He asked; shock, confusion, and anger written on his face.

"It means I'm done," I answered quickly. "I'm done with you putting me down. I'm done with you ignoring me. I'm done with being your doormat. You either change, and change quick, or I'm filing for divorce." I had said it. I had really said it. Something I hadn't even given twenty four hours to digest, and I was saying it aloud.

Edward was silent for awhile and I wasn't sure if I had actually answered him audibly or mentally told him off. He looked down slowly, kicking loose dirt with his shoe. He shoved his hands in his pockets. "Is that an ultimatum?" He asked softly.

I was surprised by the lack of anger in his voice. All emotion was drained from his face. "Yes."

Edward looked up at me through his lashes and he looked beautiful in that moment. He looked almost like the old Edward that I knew. The old Edward with whom I had fallen in love with. He looked vulnerable, a look I wasn't prepared for. "I'm asking you to stay, Isabella," he said gently. His shoulders were hunched in and he looked uncomfortable. "At least until… until Carlisle passes." Edward closed his eyes and swallowed before squaring his shoulders. His head was raised but his focus wasn't on me anymore. He was looking through me, as usual. "After that, I don't give a fuck what you do."

And just like that, the little break through that I had was gone. He was wearing such a heavy mask that it would take a little more prodding to peel off. I wasn't sure if I would be able to stick around long enough to try and remove it, but I decided I could wait until Carlisle passes. I wouldn't have Carlisle knowing in his last, painful months that Edward and I failed at our marriage. I could fake it for that long, right?

I stuck around outside a little longer before heading in. Alice and Jasper were putting Austin to bed, Emmett and Edward were taking Carlisle to the guest room on the first floor, and Rosalie and Esme were gathering blankets and pillows from a nearby closest and carrying them into the spare room which had been set up from Carlisle.

"I think I'm going to go," I said to Alice once she reappeared from upstairs.

"No!" She protested. "Don't go. We're going to watch some movies before bed. It'll be fun!"

"Nah," I dismissed her invitation, "I'm really tired and I'm not feeling well all of a sudden."

"Oh, all right. Can I take you back?"

"She can take the car," Edward offered from nowhere. He set the keys on the counter before pouring himself another drink. "I'm going to stay with Carlisle tonight." He disappeared again.

I grabbed the keys from the counter and turned to Alice. "It's probably best he stays here tonight anyways. He's been drinking a lot." Alice nodded and walked me to the car. She helped me program the hotel's address into the GPS and sent me on my way. It wasn't until I turned off the Cullen's road and onto the main road that I let the silent tears slide down my cheeks. I was crying for a plethora of reasons.

I was crying for Carlisle and for Esme.

I was crying because Esme was losing the man she loved, and I was losing the man I used to love.

I was crying because I was disappointed in myself.

I was crying because Alice was so sweet.

I was crying because she knew what was going on and had enough decency to give me my space.

I was crying because of Edward.

I was crying for all those months Edward had mistreated me.

I was crying because he wanted to in essence, use my body until we would conceive a baby. A baby!

I was crying because I knew I would let him.

I was crying because once I told him that I agreed things would never be the same. _They're not the same now, so that didn't matter. Our lives would just be more fucked up than they already are._

I was crying because I was giving in.

I was crying because just hours earlier, I wanted to divorce Edward.

I was crying because I was weak.

I was crying because Edward and I were going to have sex, finally, and I didn't hate myself for wanting it.

I was crying because Edward and I were going to have a child.

I was crying because the thought didn't disturb me as much as I wanted it to.

I was crying because I was still in love with a man who wasn't in love with me.

* * *

**_Well, there you have it. Don't hate me, hate Edward (if you must). Like I said, every story has two sides. Edward's POV is nearly done so that should go up as soon as it's finished and my Beta has edited it!_**

**_Leave a review and let me know your thougths. Love it? Hate it? Indifferent?_**


	5. Lonely Days, Lonely Nights

So sorry this took forever. I had it written but it needed to be fixed and proof read a million times. I couldn't do that while my research papers, essays, and finals were creeping up on me.

I am quite nervous about it. It's rather short but I felt this needed to be posted before anything else.

Happy Holidays everyone!

* * *

_I've heard all the wisdom_  
_Of prophets and seers,_  
_It don't soothe my passion_  
_And it don't ease my fears_  
_Burned by love_  
_And blinded by snow,_  
_Bad luck and trouble_  
_Are with me wherever I go_  
Whitesnake - Lonely Days, Lonely Nights

When I first got to the house it was pure chaos. Esme, Alice, and Rosalie were just jumping into the car when I pulled up. They waved at me as I gave a slight nod in return. When I entered the house, screams were coming from every direction. The kids were running around like chickens with their fucking heads cut off. Emmett was chasing his three kids around. Jasper was sipping his coffee while Austin sat at the table talking animatedly to himself. Carlisle was laughing happily. I smiled, loving the fact that my dad was out of bed and full of joy.

"Hey," I said to Jasper as I poured myself a cup of coffee.

"Morning," he replied in return. "Wonderful day isn't it?"

"Sure is."

A comfortable silence fell between us as I prepared my coffee.

I could hear Jasper sigh before saying, "The doctor said it'll do his spirit some good, ya know?"

"Yeah," I agreed, "I think it will, too."

The next few hours passed quickly. We had eaten some breakfast and moved out to the backyard, staying somewhat close to the patio where Carlisle was seated in his wheelchair. He had his camera out and was happily snapping pictures of his three boys with his grandchildren. I played ball with Austin which made him ecstatic. Jasper, Em, and I tossed the ball around for awhile before I got too tired and decided to head over to Carlisle.

"Enjoying your day?" he asked.

I couldn't stop the silly grin that took over my face as I nodded. "How about you? Glad to be out of bed I bet, huh?"

"Absolutely. This is the sort of thing you shouldn't miss out on."

I agreed before slipping my jacket on and tightening the blanket around Carlisle. I laughed at Emmett as he fell to the ground, allowing the kids to tackle him. For someone who looked so big and scary, he was such a softy. Carlisle snapped a few more pictures before asking me to get him a glass of water. I immediately jumped on the fact that something was wrong.

"Are you okay? What's wrong? Are you feeling sick? Can I get you something?" I asked frantically.

Carlisle laughed. "Yeah, a glass of water. I'm fine, Son, just a little parched." He shook his head, a smile still tugged at his lips.

I returned shortly with a glass of water, handing it to him cautiously. I moved over to the table and chairs where I sat down quickly, pulling a pack of cigarettes from my back pocket. Carlisle knew I picked up smoking again but I didn't want to rub it in his face. I hunched forward, blocking the cold wind with my hand as I lit up and inhaled slowly. The first hit of nicotine calmed my nerves. I relished the burn and I closed my eyes. With the cigarette wedged between two fingers, I rested the pads of my fingers against my forehead. The stress from everything was finally getting to me.

This whole debacle with Isabella had to be cleared up and it had to be cleared up soon. I couldn't go on like this and neither could she. I knew she was on her last straw with me and I was about to fucking lose it all. Would I miss her if she was gone? _Of course you would, you fucktard. If she leaves, you'll have nothing. Nobody._ I agreed with the voice yelling inside my head. Was that the reason I left the credit card for her? Was that the least I could do? A part of me did it just to piss her off. That part of me knew it would piss her off, inevitably pushing her further away. I shook my head slowly. I hated myself right now. Why couldn't I just fucking be a decent husband? What if she did leave me after all of this? What would I do? My heart dropped into the pit of my stomach at the thought. Was it because it was her leaving me or because I'd be alone again? Before I could answer my own questions, someone interrupted.

"Ed?" Jasper called from in front of me. My head shot up immediately. "You ok?"

"Yeah," I stated simply, dragging the remaining red embers on the concrete of the patio and stuffing it back into the cigarette box. I stood quickly and helped Emmett move Carlisle inside. We ate a quick lunch before moving into the living room where the kids played and the adults talked.

"Rosie and I are trying for another baby," Emmett declared quietly, not wanting the kids to overhear.

"That's wonderful!" Carlisle enthused while Jasper congratulated Emmett with a pat on the back.

"How many more are you guys going to pop out?" It was supposed to be a joke but I guess nobody really thought it was funny.

"Edward," Carlisle warned.

"It was a joke, Jesus."

"Edward Anthony," Carlisle scolded. You knew you were in deep shit when a parent used your first and middle name.

Emmett didn't seem fazed by my outburst. He just leaned back on the couch, propping his feet up on the table. "When are you and Bella going to finally procreate?"

I glanced at Emmett, warning him with my eyes. I didn't want to have this discussion again!

"Yeah, Ed," Jasper chimed in, egging him on. "You two would make a stunning child."

"That's what I said!" Carlisle beamed.

I rolled my eyes and tried to think of an answer that would, inevitably, change the subject. "We're... ugh… we're… you know…" I trailed off at a loss for words.

Emmett smirked. "Ohhhh, we know all right." He winked at me and I couldn't help but laugh.

As the afternoon flew on, Emmett and Jasper disappeared into the guest rooms. Austin was being put down for a nap while Emmett had two kids in time out. These kids, as much as I loved them, were grating on my last nerve. I just wanted to cover my ears to block out all the fucking yelling, screaming, and carrying on. The crying that ensued when one kid stole another kids crayon or another kid took someone else's toy was getting to be too much. Just fucking shoot me all ready. _See? I could never be a father. I couldn't even handle an afternoon with kids._

"Edward?"

"What?" I snapped.

"You okay?"

"Yeah." I roughly grabbed my hair in my hand and squeezed hard before rubbing my hand over my face. I needed to wake the fuck up. "Sorry for snapping, I'm just… tired."

"Don't apologize, you did nothing wrong." I glanced up and Carlisle was giving me a hesitant smile. I tried to muster up a smile but failed. "So, what's really going on?"

I sighed loudly. "You know me too well," I offered without thinking. "It's just work and shit," I answered. It wasn't a total lie. I was stressed from work, but that wasn't even a quarter of where my anxiety was stemming from. "I just… fuck!" I inhaled deeply before releasing it again. "I just don't want to fucking disappoint you, Dad."

"Oh, Son, you could never disappoint me." The love and admiration was clear in the way he spoke to me. "You are my son, you always will be. Even when I'm no longer here, you will always be mine, just like I will always be your father. Edward, I've never been more proud of you, of any of my sons. You are all in loving relationships, financially stable, emotionally stable. What more could a father ask for? If you're happy, I'm happy."

I closed my eyes softly; an unfamiliar sting could be felt in the core of my body. "I'm not happy," I barely whispered.

He studied me for a few moments. I could feel his eyes burning into me. He was trying to figure me out. Trying to figure out why I was unhappy. "Why aren't you happy, Edward?"

I could feel my eyes filling with liquid and I was quite sure what to do. I palmed the heels of my hands into my eyes while I replied the truth, "Because Isabella and I are unhappy."

I looked up, my vision blurred from the tears and foggy from my previous actions, but I could still see the look of confusion etched across his face. "W-what?" he asked, dumbfounded. "Since when?"

"Since, fucking, I don't know, Dad! We just… we aren't who you think we are anymore! I'm not the same Edward, she's not the same fucking Bella. We're different." _No, you fucktard, _YOU'RE_ different!_ I ran my hand through my hair, grabbing my hair roughly. "I'm just so sick of pretending."

"Something must have changed, Edward. People don't just-."

"Yeah, they do! People change all the fucking time, Dad."

"Okay," he agreed, "but Edward, I know you. You wouldn't have entered into such a commitment with someone if you didn't want to spend the _rest of your life_ with them. Bella is your other half."

"Stop, Dad. Just stop." I couldn't take anymore of his love, affection, or comfort. "I don't deserve this," I whispered to myself.

Carlisle shook his head slowly. "You deserve it, Edward, you deserve to be happy. I love you. We all love you and we all want to see you happy." I nodded, leaning forward so my elbows rested against my knees and my head was propped up by my hands. I had such an urge to cry but I wouldn't allow myself such a comfort. I didn't deserve to feel any sort of comfort. "You can't do this to yourself. You can't force people away."

"I don't force people away."

"You do. You've forced people away your whole life. Don't you remember when you were younger you'd run away and wouldn't come back until someone went out looking for you? You wanted to make sure people cared. You wanted to know that there would always be someone to fight for you. That someone would always want you." I glanced up at the pained look on his face. He was right, I did that shit. I just thought I was being a typical kid. Didn't every child want that feeling and proof? Didn't every kid want the knowledge that someone loved them? That's all a kid needs. "That's what you do with your girlfriends, Edward. You push them away and whoever comes back, you stay with. Whoever doesn't, you end things with." He was quiet for a few moments. "How long have you and Bella been on bad terms for?"

I swallowed thickly. "About a year and a half give or take."

Carlisle gasped. "That long? Edward! And you haven't sought help?"

"I'm not fucking crazy, Dad! I don't _need _help."

"You don't need to be crazy to seek help. Your mother started therapy when we moved here. It helped her cope. No one knows because she didn't want to seem weak, but she did it for her own well being. Couples therapy, Edward. If you want this to work, couples therapy is needed. Especially since you've been estranged for so long."

I couldn't help the small chuckle that bubbled out of my mouth. "Estranged…" I tried the word out for size. It didn't fit. Are we really _estranged_?

"Yes," Carlisle whispered. "Promise me just one thing, Edward?"

"Anything," I replied instantly.

"If she means something to you, _anything _to you at all, you'll seek help. You can't let the love of your life slip between your fingers because of your pride."

I nodded slowly. "I promise."

The rest of the afternoon went well. When Austin woke up, he asked me if I wanted to draw with him. I agreed, wanting to lighten the atmosphere. I just doodled while Austin was intently working on his drawing. He didn't want me to see and made me promise not to look. I won't lie, I tried to peek but he had it covered so well that I could only make out the occasional black line. I drew the sun, a football, and then a picture of a car. I was growing tired of the quiet and my current position was hurting my back.

"You about done, Austin?"

He nodded his head, his little tongue peaking out of his mouth thoughtfully. He looked up at me and asked me to close my eyes. I did and when I opened them, I was staring back at a three year olds attempt at the drawing of people. I smiled though and told him I loved it.

"It's for Aunt Belly. Think she'll love it?"

I frowned at this. I was sort of hoping he had made it for me. Why did she deserve it? I took a deep breath trying to force my irrational anger toward the woman – my wife – away. I cleared my throat. "I'm not sure if she'll like it," I started before realizing what I had said. His face looked crushed. "Because you made her look fat!" I tried to cover it up by making a slight joke. He still looked iffy but smiled anyways.

"Should I give it to her?" he asked.

"Of course," I answered softly.

"Will you write the names, Uncle E?" He handed the crayon over to me while I wrote the names over each couple. I hesitated before writing our names, but shook my head and forced myself to join our names together. I was being such a fucking idiot lately. _Lately? _My inner voice echoed. _Yeah, the past year and a half is more than lately, you dumbass._ I shook my head and stood up. I walked into the kitchen and poured myself a glass of that oh-so-friendly bronze liquid. I downed it and poured another one, taking the time to appreciate this one.

Within the next few hours the girls came back. I was already a bit tipsy so I didn't want to hang myself just yet. Isabella helped make dinner and it really wasn't that bad. When she got up with Alice to go get something, Carlisle looked at me expectantly. This was when I had another word vomit moment and told him we were trying for a baby. He was happy but still seemed… off. How could we be estranged and trying for a fucking kid? God, how fucking drunk was I?

Next thing I knew, Isabella slid easily into my lap and her ass wiggled on my dick. It had been such a long time since she was even remotely close to my dick and I was more than embarrassed, and pissed, that it was coming to life. Isabella was beautiful, clearly, but I blamed my chubby on her smell. That always got me. It was such a beautiful combination of aromas. I inhaled deeply, wanting to nuzzle my face in her soft, milky white neck. I had to suppress a groan. She handed me a rectangle box.

I opened it and nearly pissed myself. I had to contain my laughter when I pulled the fucking tie out. Paisley. She knew I despised this pattern more than life its self. "Paisley."

"I know how much you _love_ paisley."

Her smell was intoxicating and I swear her ass wiggled again. I blinked hard and when I opened them, I was staring at her big, brown eyes. "I _love_ you," I said, using her sarcastic word against her.

My dick was half hard and her shaking leg was getting on my nerves. Without thinking, I gripped her knee tightly in my hand and she stilled instantly. I smiled at the effect I had on her. Every so often I would squeeze her leg and move higher and higher. My dick was getting hard and I adjusted myself cautiously, hoping no one saw. On my last squeeze she excused herself. I knew I had gotten to her by the tone and urgency on her face. I smirked slightly at the powerful feeling.

After a few minutes of my family's bland dinner talk, I excused myself to the kitchen and refilled my drink. I leaned against the counter while I thoughtfully sipped my drink. I needed to talk to Isabella. We really needed to talk. I was beyond furious with myself for blurting out that Isabella and I were trying for a kid. What the fuck? I must be a lot drunker than I thought. I downed the rest of my drink and slammed the glass on the counter. My words from earlier filtered back through my mind, _All a kid needs is love_. Is that true? It seems true. A kid could live off of love. Could I love a kid? _Yes, you love your nephews_. Of course I do. Could I love a child I made?_ Yes._ That answer came easily. Could I love a child that Isabella and I made? No answer. I guess the fact that a resounding 'no' wasn't said is a good thing.

We needed to talk. Now.

My hand touched the door knob leading to the back patio and I opened it quickly. I walked to the stair she was perched on. "What are you doing out here?"

"I needed some fresh air." She moved over a bit. Was she inviting me to sit down or was she repulsed by my proximity? I figured it was the latter. My fingers were fidgety and I was nervous. A cigarette sounded appetizing so I pulled out my pack, lit one, and inhaled deeply.

"Since when are you smoking again?" she asked softly.

"Since I started drinking again." _Way to go, _I thought. _She's never going to want to talk with you if you're always so fucking hostile. _"Listen," I paused, my eyes half shut and brows furrowed together, "we need to talk."

She giggled. She fucking giggled. I couldn't help the small smirk that tugged at my lips. "Do we?"

"Yes," I mocked, "we do."

"Well, by all means. I am still your wife, aren't I?"

I chuckled manically. "Why yes, Isabella, you are. And as my wife, there are certain obligations you must fulfill."

"Yeah? What about the ones that you as my husband are supposed to fulfill." Damn, she's got me there.

"That's a moot point," I responded, not wanting to get into that inevitable chat here at my parent's house.

"What makes you think I'm going to fulfill a damn thing if you can't hold up your end of the bargain?" She was becoming angry. Can't say I blame her much. In all honesty, I was happy she was beginning to stand up for herself; it only took a year and a half. Suddenly, a deep sadness overwhelmed me. It finally hit me that I had been a complete asshole to my wife for a year and a half. _Who have I become? _I thought as I walked down the stairs, flicking the cigarette onto the damp grass in the process.

"Because I'm not the only one asking this of you. Carlisle is. He wants-."

"Me to have a baby," she finished.

I snapped. Who does she think she is? I turned around, facing her. "No, Isabella, he wants _me_ to have a baby. You just happen to be the woman I'm legally bound to, so you are in fact needed. But don't get it wrong, if you weren't in the picture he wouldn't care. He wants _my _genes. He wants _me_ to produce his grandchild. Not. You. You got that?"

She started breathing heavy and I immediately regretted my words. Tears pooled in both of our eyes as she looked away. "Why are you doing this?" Her voice wavered.

"It's his last wish. It's the only thing he's ever asked of me. I'm giving it to him."

"You can't just use me like that!"

"You are my wife!"

"I can't do this, Edward. I can't be your punching bag anymore!" She began to cry and I pulled myself away emotionally. "I can't pretend anymore. What happened to us?" She stood up and walked over to me. "What have we become?"

I turned away from her, not wanting to meet her gaze. "We changed," I stated blandly.

"No, _you_ changed. Something happened to you. It was like when you came home that night, you were a completely different Edward. Where did you go? Where are you, Edward? What happened?" She reached up and cupped my cheeks in her soft hands.

I withdrew from her touch quickly. I didn't disserve this. I didn't disserve her love, forgiveness, or sympathy. "Things change. People change. It happens all the time."

"You asked me why I'm still here, remember? Because you never asked me to stay… Well," she started, "I'm not."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked nervously.

"It means I'm done. I'm done with you putting me down. I'm done with you ignoring me. I'm done with being your doormat. You either change, and change quick, or I'm filing for divorce."

I was shocked into silence and I stood there, dumbfounded for what seemed like eternity. She had finally done it, My hands were shaking as I shoved them in my pockets. "Is that an ultimatum?"

"Yes."

I could cry. I _wanted_ to cry. This wasn't good at all. I swallowed roughly; the dry lump in my throat wouldn't go away. "I'm asking you to stay, Isabella," I replied softly. My shoulders were hunched in and I felt so uncomfortable. "At least until… until Carlisle passes." I closed my eyes, cursing my tears. I needed to get it together. I couldn't do this. I couldn't cry in front of my wife. I squared my shoulder and looked up at the light dangling above the patio door. I couldn't focus on her. I didn't want to see her face as I said, "After that, I don't give a fuck what you do." I walked right past her and into the house. I made a bee line right for the bathroom and fell to my knees, my head in my hands. Choked sobs escaped but no salty tears. How could I do this? How could I be such a dick to her? I needed to get it together. I either want her or I don't. I began to feel guilty for tossing her around so much.

It wasn't until later when I pulled myself from the floor that I knew what my decision was. I was going to stay with Isabella. I was going to stay with her and we were going to seek help. I was going to do this not only for Carlisle, but myself as well. She was my wife and I her husband. We owed it to each other to try. I splashed some water on my face and opened the door, glad to see that everyone was too busy to notice my absence. I walked past the kitchen and heard Isabella say she was leaving. I couldn't leave, not with her and not with the way things ended. We needed some time apart. Being confined to that small hotel room didn't seem like a good idea right now. I dropped the keys on the counter.

"She can take the car." I poured myself another drink. "I'm going to stay with Carlisle tonight." _Drive safe,_ I thought and followed Esme into Carlisle's makeshift room where I stayed for the remainder of the night. We talked about the past and how Emmett was always getting into trouble. We talked about Jasper's intelligence and how he was just full of useless information. We talked about me and what an old soul I was. How I was filled with the time from every era and how I carried it as a burden. I furrowed my brows at Carlisle's use of the word burden, but I knew I was just taking his words too literally.

I trudged up the stairs and into my room where I fell dramatically, face first, onto the mattress. I stayed this way until I woke up the next morning with a pounding headache and strange urge to run my fingers through Isabella's hair. I wanted to smell her natural perfume around me and feel the heat of her body against mine. I rolled onto my back and smiled at one memory in particular.

_It was nearing dawn as I stared down at my wife. God was she beautiful, so peaceful just laying there. Her dark hair was sprawled over my arm and pillowcase as she slept soundly. Her warm breath escaped her parted mouth as her cheek rested gently on my chest. I curled my arm around her, bringing her in closer. She stirred a little and I could feel her eyelashes flutter open. Warm kisses were laid upon my bare chest._

"_Mmm," I moaned, stretching my legs sleepily. "Good morning, Mrs. Cullen."_

_She smiled and bit her bottom lip. "Good morning, Husband."_

_I bent my head down and nuzzled her nose, giving her a soft Eskimo kiss before placing my lips to hers firmly. "Have I told you lately that I love you?"_

"_Probably," she answered, "but it can't hurt to hear it again."_

_I looked down at her adoringly, not wanting to break this connection. My hand traveled up her naked back and into her long hair. I wrapped my hand around her soft locks and relished the feeling in my hand. "I love you, My Bella."_

_Her smile grew brighter and rested her head in the crook of my neck, placing soft kisses on my clavicle. "I love you, My Husband."_

I have never craved her love as much as I did at this moment. This is the first day in a long time that I thoroughly yearned for my wife's touch.


	6. Northern Lights

SM owns all.

Here's the next chapter, hope you all like!

My beta couldn't look it over as she's having RL troubles. Hope you don't mind. I tried to catch as many mistakes as I could.

See you all at the bottom!

* * *

_All I want Is your eyes _

_In the morning as we wake_

_For just a short while_

_-Northern Lights by Bowerbirds_

The erratic breathing, heavy drumming of my heart, and my sweat drenched body awoke me early. My dream had been so vivid, so real. I was running around a lush, wet forest. The smell of the sap oozing from the trees still surrounded me. I was lost and had no idea how I got there. My feet were sore as I ran around the forest floor in search of something but running from everything. Tall trees loomed over me blocking the gray sky from its impending downpour. I called out, unable to actually make a noise. The mud caked on my milky skin was beginning to set and crack. The closer I got to what I thought I was looking for it became harder to breath, harder to see. A low fog had set in and I was out of breath. I fell to my knees and began to cry.

As I brushed the sweat soaked hair from my forehead, I grabbed my phone from the bedside table. It was nearing six in the morning. I exhaled slowly and threw the covers back, placing my feet on the floor. My racing heart and edgy nerves weren't going to lull me back to sleep so I decided to go for a quick jog. I'm not generally one to exercise, especially not spur of the moment, but what could it hurt? I'd run a block or two. Straight there and back, right? Wrong. It seemed that my feet had a different idea.

I was so wrapped up in the battle going on in my head that when I stopped to catch my breath, I had no idea where I was. Rain drops splattered softly against my hair, matting it down, as I walked to the end of block. I read the nearby street signs and dread began to filter in. I had no idea where I was in this strange, small town. _Okay Bella_, I thought,_ it's fine. Just find someone and ask how to get back to the hotel._ The task, however, proved to be harder than it seemed.

Cars zoomed by me like they were on fire. Nothing was open as it was barely half past six on Thanksgiving, and there weren't any wandering pedestrians. I fought the urge to cry as I pulled out my cell phone and rummaged through my contacts. I didn't want to call him, but what else was I going to do? I plopped myself on a concrete stair under protection from the misting rain and I pressed the dial button on my phone. It went straight to voicemail.

"You've reached Edward Cullen, please leave a short message with your name and number. I'll get back to you as soon as possible. _Beep!_" Even in his voicemail message he seemed short, not wanting to talk, as if he'd said it just for me.

"Uhm, hi, Edward, it's Bella. I-I'm a little l-l-lost," I paused, clearing my throat and willing my chattering teeth to stop. "I we-went for a run a-a-and now I c-cant rem-member how t-to get back." I hung up quickly, cursing myself for sounding so weak. I wasn't angry with Edward for not answering. I half expected it, to be honest. I decided to walk a few blocks down to see if there was anyone down there. I zipped up my jacket and forced the hood on my head, willing it to stay as the wind whipped it back every so often. I walked three blocks down and took a left. My brow furrowed. Not one person. _Damn it!_ I cursed silently. I sat on the curb, waiting for Edward's phone call. My elbows rested on my knees, my hands supported my head. I was beyond tears at this point. I was shivering from the wicked wind that froze me to the core each time, my heart was pounding out of fear and exertion, and my hands were like ice cubes.

"Miss?" a strange voice called from behind me.

I whipped my head around so fast that it cracked. I jumped to my feet when I saw three guys approaching me. "Y-yeah?"

"Are you lost?" one of them asked.

"No," I answered quickly. I'm not sure why, but something inside me told me to lie. "Just taking a rest. Really stressed out from the holidays, ya know?" I half laughed at my stupid attempt at a joke.

One of them, a blonde man with short cut hair, ran his hand over the stubble covering his jaw. He licked his lips and smirked. "You look good," he slurred, reaching out to twist a lock of my hair around his dirty finger. I watched his eyes travel up and down my body. All three of them stepped closer at the same time. The wind blew, sending the strong scent of liquor wafting in my direction. I glanced at my phone. It was barely 7. Were they still out from the night before? I'd bet all my money that yes, they were.

The blonde reached his hand out again, a little more aggressively, and caressed the sticky skin of my neck. I swallowed thickly.

"I should go," I stated before speed walking the way I came. With each step, I prayed they weren't following me. With the sound of my feet on the concrete, I glanced back. They were following me, drunkenly stumbling back and forth as quickly as they could.

"Hey, where ya goin?" one of them called.

I rounded a corner and began to run as fast as I could, taking turn after turn in an attempt at losing them. The rain turned to freezing cold drops and I thought for a moment that I might die from hypothermia. _Stop being so dramatic, _I scolded myself. _You'll be safe. It's only Forks, after all! _I wasn't paying much attention to where my foot was hitting the pavement and I tripped over a rock, landing on my hands and knees. An immense pain shook my body but I didn't dare stop.

I picked myself up and continued running. It worked and after 10 minutes of running I collapsed into an alley next to a dumpster. Rocks were scraping through the thin material of my pants as I scooted backwards until my spine touched the cool metal. I hugged my knees to my chest while I attempted to regulate my breaths.

The pain from my fall began overtaking my body again. Luckily I hadn't broken anything. I surveyed my palms, noticing only a few cuts but the skin was turning an angry shade of red. Before I even rolled my running pants up past my knee I could smell the copper wafting through the air. So pungent. Before I could assess the damage too much, I rolled the thin material back down.

I wondered quickly if I had any of the Cullens' numbers in my phone. Alice? Jasper? Emmett? The house phone?_ Wait a minute, _I thought. _I do!_ Victory surged through my veins as I scrolled to the H's in my contacts. I had labeled them "His parents" when I got this new phone a few months prior. We were barely speaking, much like now, and I couldn't force myself to put them under Cullen, Esme, or even Carlisle. As I clicked dial on my phone I briefly wondered if Edward even had my parent's number in his phone. Sadness filled my heart at the thought.

The phone rang three times before the softest voice answered. "Hello?"

"Esme!" I shrieked, clapping a hand over my mouth for fear of the drunks hearing me.

"Bella, sweetie, is that you?"

"Yes! I'm lost. Please, p-please help me." The traitor tears I had kept at bay broke free, running wildly down my cheeks. Maybe it was her soft voice, maybe it was her caring nature. Whatever it was, I felt comfortable. "I t-tried to find m-my way back but then th-these guys..." i trailed off, more tears flowing. "They started harassing me-"

"Where are you?" she asked, cutting me off mid-sentence. I could hear her shuffling around and then her feet ascending the stairs quickly.

"I-I don't kn-know," I sniffled before getting up, looking behind the dumpster to make sure no one was lurking. I was alone, in more ways than one, and I walked slowly to the end of the alley to find the nearest street sign. "I'm at the c-corner of s-sixth avenue and G st-treet."

"Oh hunny, why didn't you call Edward?"

"I did!" I protested. "H-he didn't an-answer." I was a blubbering mess and I wiped my frozen, red nose against the sleeve of my sweat shirt. "He mu-must be sleeping."

"Calm down, Bella, it's okay," she soothed, "we'll be there soon. Want me to stay on the phone until we leave?"

"Yes," was my only response.

"Edward!" Esme's voice boomed and battled against the persistent knocking on a door. "Edward Anthony Cullen!"

I could hear a muffled curse and then a door swinging open. "Yeah?" came a scratchy, sleep filled voice.

"Get ready. Now! We're leaving in 30 seconds."

"What's wrong?" Panic laced his words. "Is it Dad? Is he okay?"

The sound of feet descending the stairs could be heard. The stairs moaned and creaked with each step. I had gained control of my sobs by now but the tears hadn't stopped flowing.

"You still there, Bella?"

"Ye-yes."

"We're on our way, okay sweetie? Edward's upstairs putting on his shoes as we speak. I'm going to hang up now, okay? I promise we'll be there soon."

"Okay," I answered, sniffling softly after I hung up.

I wasn't sure how long it was until they had actually gotten to me. I wasn't even aware that they were there until I felt Esme wrap her arms around me.

"Help me, Edward! She's soaked. I can't get her up."

I wasn't focused on anything in particular. Not the sound of Esme's panicked voice, or of Edwards tireless calling of my name. I barely even registered Esme hugging me to her body again or Edwards large, soft, warm hands rubbing my arms through the thick fabric of my sweat shirt. What finally woke me from my comatose state were two large arms enveloping me into a tight hug, swaying me back and forth. His face went right into the crook of my neck and the feel of his warm nose against my ice cold neck sent chills through me.

"Oh, Edward, she's frozen! Get her in the car," Esme rushed.

His arms hugged me tighter and I instinctively wrapped my arms around his form, through his coat, resting my palms flat against his cotton covered back. I felt the sobs wrack through my body once again. Not because I was afraid of the drunken men, or frightened because I was lost, but because Edward was hugging me. He was hugging me tightly, swaying us back and forth so softly. We were doing a lover's delicate dance. I missed this so much.

I came to my senses shortly thereafter and pulled away, hiding my face from his gaze. I wiped at my tears with the back of hand. "She's gone now, Edward," I started softly, "you can let go now."

He gripped my chin and forced my face to meet his. We were so close; I could feel his breath tickling the soft skin on my face. I chanced a look up to find that he was staring down at me with such intensity. His green eyes pierced my brown ones and his hand went to brush through my tangled, wet hair. He was slowly warming me from the inside out. His brows were furrowed and if I didn't know better, I would have thought the look on his face was one of pain. He studied me. Emerald eyes roamed my face, settling on my shivering mouth, lips parted and teeth chattering.

I knit my brows together and reached up with gentle hand, cupping his soft cheek. Edward hadn't shaved in days and it suited him. I noticed, as I cupped his cheeks and caressed him softly, that he didn't pull away. I couldn't help the small smile that formed at my mouth. My old Edward was back, and I'll take him for however long he'll give him to me,

Not much was said on the way back to our hotel. Esme had asked a few inane questions that I answered with only a "yes" or a "no". Edward insisted I sit upfront as to get every bit of warmth that I could.

Esme dropped us off at the hotel and as he shut the door he walked to me. We didn't touch, only studied each other. Edward was the first to move. He pulled off his jacket and slipped out of his shoes. I turned to watch him as he stood, towering over me, in a pair of jeans and a white under shirt. I followed suit, removing my shoes and soaked sweatshirt, leaving myself in only a semi dry long sleeved shirt and running pants.

"It shouldn't be like this, you know," I whispered, running my eyes from his toes all the way up to his piercing eyes. "If I want to touch my husband, I should be allowed to without him pulling away. If I want a hug or kiss, or show affection in anyway, I should get it without having to ask. If I want to make love to my husband, hell, if I want to fuck my husband, I should be able to!" I didn't know where this was coming from, but it felt so good. We had broken some wall this morning and before he could put it back up he needed to hear my side. I watched him swallow thickly and rub the back of his neck. "I-I love you, Edward." It was barely a whisper but I meant every one of those words. I watched his face contort in pain, agony.

His mouth opened and closed several times before he finally spit out, "Why?"

I took two steps closer to him. He didn't back away. "Do I need a reason? You're my husband. I love you."

His breaths were coming in short pants now. His gaze dropped to the floor and then back up to meet mine. "After all I've put you through? After all we've been through?"

I gulped nervously, thinking of something to say. I needed to word this right. "It was tough, Edward, really tough." I willed my tears to remain unshed. "Imagine if I came home from work one day acting like some alien wife? That's what it was like, ya know. It was as if someone had stolen the true Edward, _my _Edward, and replaced him with… you. The affection was gone. Every time I tried to touch you, you'd slip by and act as though nothing happened. You were a ghost, Edward. Our relationship- our marriage- it crumbled." My voice cracked and I cleared my throat before continuing, "After that, though, you started becoming so incredibly rude. You never spoke to me and when you did it was a command! That's not a husband, that's not a lover, that's not even a man, Edward, that's a monster. You were a monster," I admitted softly. "I did though, I loved you. For some crazy, fucked up reason, I loved you through it all deep down. Of course that love was covered and buried deep down inside by the hatred I felt, the betrayal that coursed through my very marrow, and the resentment I felt towards you. I thought things would get better. I thought you'd change," I breathed in deeply, "it consumed me, Edward." I stepped closer and closer to him, putting no distance between us. "It changed me, it changed you, it changed _us_."

Edward was breathing heavily as he stumbled back onto the bed. "I'm sorry," he mumbled.

I was quiet for a few moments, thinking about all that had happened this morning. First was the dream, then the run, those drunken idiots were next, my fall, the call, Edward's unusual affection, his admittance and apology, and my revealings. Never in a millions years would I have predicted this outcome for the day that had barely even started. Edward was sorry, he had said it, but it wasn't enough. I needed reasons why, I needed him to admit his wrong doing and face the facts. So, I asked him why.

He sat there with his head in his hands until he finally turned towards me and grabbed my hand. I winced when his hand grabbed mine and I tried to pull back. The burning in my hand hadn't subsided and it was beginning to throb. His face contorted in confusion before he flipped my hand over. The swollen, red, bruised skin was glowing on the heal of my palm. He looked into my eyes.

"What happened?"

I shrugged my shoulders noncommittally as I attempted to free my hand. Edward gripped me at my wrist softly, not letting go.

"I fell."

At this, he lifted my other hand. They matched like two swollen, throbbing twins. At once, Edward walked quickly to the bathroom and rummaged around. I heard the water turn on and drawers opening and closing. He walked back out carrying three cloths.

"Here," he whispered, pressing the two cool clothes against my sore palms. He pressed lightly on them, cleaning them up. "There aren't any band aids and I couldn't find any god damn Neosporin. We'll get some on our way to my parent's house. Are you hurt anywhere else?"

I nodded and told him I fell on my knee. He rolled up my pant leg gently; the blood had stuck to the fabric. I winced when he had to tug gently to remove it.

"Come with me," he said softly. I hobbled, following behind him into the bathroom. He directed me to sit on the edge of the bathtub as he gently washed the wound on my knee. "Want me to go see if they have any bandages?"

I shook my head softly. "Aren't you supposed to let the wound breathe first?" I asked, knowing I heard something like that in health class years ago.

Edward shrugged and swiped gently until all the dried, caked blood was removed. His left hand was cupping the back of my knee while his right was gently washing me. I shivered softly. "Feeling better?" he asked from his kneeling position at my feet. He stared right into my eyes while his hand gently massaged the back of my knee.

I nodded yes and smiled before I removed the cloth from his hand, guiding us back to our positions on the bed. I noticed the bed was made and silently thanked housekeeping for being so efficient. He offered a small smile of reassurance. I melted inside.

We were both quiet for a while before I spoke. "Why didn't you answer the phone?"

"When?"

"This morning. I called you first before..."

He studied me. "Before what?"

"Nothing," I lied, glancing down.

"Isabella," he warned softly. "What happened?"

I knew there was no getting out of this. I breathed deeply and sighed heavily. "All right, here's what happened. I woke up from this really crazy dream this morning and I couldn't get back to sleep. I figured maybe a run would do me some good-"

"You never run," he stated, confused.

"I know. I don't know what possessed me. Anyways, I thought if I just ran a straight line like a few blocks, everything would be okay. It wasn't. I was lost and freezing. I tried calling you but you didn't answer. Maybe it was off, I'm not sure. So, then I walked a few more blocks, hoping to find someone to point me in the right direction. Of course, I didn't find anyone. So, I just sat on the curb and then a few drunken guys started asking me questions. I didn't get a very good feeling so I figured I should high tail it out of there. I started walking quickly down the street and when I looked behind me, they were following and calling after me. I ran, that's when I fell, and then I ran some more until I found an alley. I hid behind a dumpster and that's when I remembered your parent's number."

I could hear Edward breathing heavily. "So these drunk kids, who were they?" Venom filled each and every word he spoke.

"I'm not sure," I whispered.

He turned to me, his eyes darkened with fury. "You could have been hurt, Isabella!"

"I know," I replied softly. "But I wasn't."

He snorted. "Not hardly."

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

He sighed softly and was remained quiet for a few short seconds. "No, I am. I'm just mad at myself. My phone must have died last night while I was asleep."

We sat in the comfortable silence. I replayed the mornings events in my head, again, while Edward sat next to me, stoic. I nearly jumped out of my skin when he spoke. "You know, before we were married I never even really thought much about what it would be like to spend the rest of my life with someone. I didn't want to. I didn't trust women, not after... not after Tanya. She really, really fucked with me." He paused and cast his eyes toward me. As gently as I could, I took Edward's hand in my own and began rubbing soothing circles with the pad of my thumb, lacing our fingers together.

"I know," I whispered. He had told me when we first started dating how much Tanya fucked with him. He loved her, she was his first love. They dated for a few years before he proposed. Six months into their engagement, he caught her with another man. Edward forgave her, though, with promises that she'd never do it again. Edward gave all of himself to her, every piece of his broken heart. He loved her. But, just a few months later, Edward caught her again. While arriving home early from work, excited to spend some quality time with his future wife, he heard noise coming from their kitchen. Thinking she was hurt, he ran into their kitchen only to find Tanya spread eagle on their kitchen table. Devastated, Edward spiraled into a downward depression. He drank heavily and fucked anything with a vagina and two legs. Edward met me a year after he cleaned up his act.

"You know just enough to grasp the story," he admitted softly, "not enough to fully understand why I have so many issues dealing with trust."

His revelation confused me. Of course I would understand. His ex-fiancé cheated on him multiple times, why wouldn't he have trust issues?

"She crushed any hope for me at all. She fucked with me, she _ruined _me, Isabella." His words were so soft, barely a whisper as he broke our gaze. "I loved and adored her, she was the love of my life. I would have given her the moon if I could. Then she broke me. I haven't been the same since."

Edward glanced down at our clasped hands and then back up at me. I could feel the chill of his wedding ring against my warmed fingers. I had to remind myself that he was with me now and I nearly reminded him that _I _wasn't _her__. _He spoke before I could though.

"Until I met you." He breathed deeply, closing his eyes and rolling his neck back and forth. "You changed me. Everything about you was so much different than I was used to. I believed in you. I believed in us. You were finally that light that I needed. Before I met you, Isabella, it was like being on autopilot. You woke me up," he whispered, studying my face. I could see the unshed tears glazing his bright eyes.

With my free hand, I reached up and gently brushed away the strands of hair that clung to his forehead. "Edward?" I asked softly, my hand brushing through his matted hair, tugging at the root as I moved down to the back of his neck where I cupped the delicate skin there. He was slowly inching forward, eyes closed, practically humming. I could smell the dried rain on his skin. A burning began deep inside me. I wanted him to kiss me; I needed it, so bad. I wouldn't make the first move, I promised myself. It was up to him.

"Hm?"

"Do you have my parent's number in your phone?" I'm not sure why, but I needed to know.

"Of course I do," he answered back, eyes opening slowly.

I smiled, shocked for some reason, and licked my lips. He must have realized how close he had migrated because he slowly pulled away. I removed my hand from the back of his neck.

"I'm so sorry," he repeated again. "I was such a fucking asshole." I didn't disagree but I hushed him softly. He stood up and shrugged out of his jeans and shirt, leaving himself in only a pair of boxer briefs that clung to him nicely. They were damp and I could see the muscles in his ass contract as he moved his legs. He turned slowly, addressing me. "You're going to catch a cold if you stay in those wet clothes."

My cheeks burned as I took in the front sight of my half naked, glorious husband. "You're so beautiful," I whispered before I realized. It was true, though. His chest was well defined, but not in a meat head kind of way. He had a light dusting of chest hair, and a delicious trail of hair that disappeared into his boxers.

When I finished ogling him I glanced up. He looked disappointed, tormented almost. "I'm a monster, Isabella, even you said so."

"No," I whispered, "this Edward is no monster. This Edward, _my _Edward, he's beautiful."

The soft smile displayed on his face actually reached his eyes. "Get changed and come to bed."

I did as he asked. I rummaged through my clothing, pulling out a pair of sleep pants and an old shirt. I wasn't at all comfortable changing in front of Edward, which was pretty odd because he was my husband after all, so I slipped inside the bathroom. I changed quickly, dried my wet hair with a towel, washed my face, and exited quickly. Edward was resting on the bed facing me, his head was supported by his hand. A smile crept onto his face when he saw me and then scooted over, offering me more room. The bed was so warm and inviting, or maybe that was my Edward, as I climbed in.

Nothing more was said. Nothing more needed to be said right now. We both lay on our sides facing each other, neither of us touching, before we fell into a peaceful sleep. Everything felt right. There was no pain.

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Some things are clearing up, but there's still a lot more to go in the story. Hope you stick around :)

Reviews would be lovely!


	7. Roses Are Red

_a/n: I don't own any of the characters or anything to do with Twilight._

_So, I figured I'd give you all a bit of a break from the angst. _

_See ya at the bottom ;)_

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My lungs filled with air as I breathed in deep. The heat from the shower wrapped around my sore limbs. The water beat against my back, slowly massaging the pain away. I finished washing up, careful not to let the hot water rush directly against the torn skin on my knee. After shutting the water off, I grabbed a plush, white towel and wrapped it snuggly around my body. The fibers from the towel felt new and I was relieved at this thought. Nothing freaked me out more than the thought of what previous guests did to these towels… or in these towels. I shuddered and wiped the fog from the mirror. Something in the reflection caught me off guard and whipped my head back up.

There it was. I hadn't just imagined it. A smile, a real, genuine smile was plastered to my face. How long had I been smiling? I tugged at the bottom of my lip with my teeth, trying in a failing attempt to stop myself from the goofy grin. Before I could stop it, a giggle escaped my mouth and then I couldn't stop the full blown smile that spread like a disease, reaching my eyes. My cheeks hurt and for the first in a very, very long time… I was happy.

Mere hours ago I had awoken from some crazy dream and now here I stand, smiling like a goof over the fact that my husband was finally coming around. Something struck me deep down and it scared me. The "_what ifs"_ began assaulting me. _What if I open this door right now and the alien Edward with the dead eyes are staring back at me? What if this is fleeting? What if he doesn't mean what he has said? What if he comes to his senses and realizes he can do better, much better, than me? What if, what if, what if? _I shook my head of these silly thoughts and applied some curl boosting mouse to my hair. I sighed and turned the hair dryer on its lowest setting, not wanting my hair to go all afro puff on me.

After deciding to go panty-less, I fought with my sheer black stockings, taking my time to pull them slowly up legs and set them in place as to avoid getting any runs. I was successful. I stood there in nothing but a pair of stockings and a black lace bra as I leaned in close to apply some mascara. I curled the ends of my hair in loose waves and sprayed them in place. I glanced at the door where my dress hung lifelessly on the hanger. It was lovely, really, all black and lace. The dress was modest in the front with a little taste of sexy in the back. I smiled while dressing slowly. The minute I felt the soft cotton of the black slip inside, my heart started pounding. I checked myself out in the mirror for a few stunned moments. I didn't even look like me.

Three soft rasps on the door broke me from my mirrored hold on myself. I turned, slipping into my black heels, and opened the door slowly. There he stood, still a good half of a foot taller than me. His eyes were smoldering as they ran down the length of me slowly and then back up. I licked my lips slowly, tugging at my bottom one with my teeth.

"Ready?" I asked meekly.

He walked passed me into the bathroom abruptly and I soon felt embarrassed. Maybe he hadn't meant what he said. Was this it? I looked down at my dress and mentally scolded myself. I knew this was too much. I was just about to tell him I was going to change when l looked at him through the mirror and saw the tent his gray slacks were pitching. The mirror, a safe way for both of us to ogle each other, was reflecting the most erotic image I've ever seen. There Edward stood, one hand on his erection, guiding it into a more comfortable position, or so I thought. I nearly gasped when I saw him rubbing himself slowly, so slowly, through the thick material. My eyes travelled up his lean torso, passed his undone tie, and to his hooded gaze. Edward, my delicious husband, was watching me watch him stroke his erection. His movements were slow and when he got to the head of his erection, he grunted so softly that I thought I'd imagined it.

My tongue darted out to wet my parched lips as I continued to take in this exquisite sight before me. I wanted so badly in this moment to stride over to him, confident as all hell, and take over. I wished, more than anything, that I had that confidence. I wanted to be with him. I wanted to touch him, to make him feel good again. I wanted to lay him down on the bed, throw my leg over his and grip his erection. I wanted to whisper dirty things in his ear while I massaged him in the most intimate of ways. I wanted to bite his neck as he came all over my hand. I wanted to hear my name expel from his mouth when he finally released. I wanted to feel his hand gripping my wrist to slow my movements as he deflated. I knew this is what he liked. I knew because I've done it countless times.

Instead of acting on my newfound fantasies, I blushed profusely and backed away. I continued to watch him please himself, my eyes moving up slowly from his delicious erection to his torso and finally to his flushed face. I walked over to the bed and sat slowly, letting the blood drain from my face. I felt hot shame course through me. My face was crimson, my hands were shaky, and my stockings were soaked.

Edward walked out a few moments later. I noticed the smug smile that he tried to hide. His tie was done and his shoes were on.

"Isabella?"

I jerked my head up quickly. "Hm?"

"You ready to go?" He stood right in front of me. It would have been so easy to undo his designer belt, slowly unbutton the zipper to his expensive pants, and snake my hand inside. I wouldn't even need to unbutton them. I had no doubt he wasn't wearing underwear. The tent he was pitching was still there, but situated upward instead of down and to the right.

"Yeah," I said hoarsely, glancing down where the tips of our shoes touched. "Yeah I'm ready. Are you?"

He lifted a hand to twirl a loose piece of my hair around his finger before tucking it behind my ear, cupping the side of my neck with his large, soft hand. "Oh yes, I'm ready."

* * *

Just as he had said, Edward stopped off at a 24 hour drug store to pick up some aspirin, band aids, Neosporin, and a bottle of water among other things. I watched the way he sauntered over to the rental car in the deserted parking lot. His dark shades hid the green orbs behind them. I resisted the urge to tell him he looked ridiculous wearing sunglasses on a dreary day like this, but I kept my mouth shut.

"Aspirin and water for the pain," he explained, pulling the items from the plastic bag. I took them thankfully and popped two pills, swallowing them down with a large gulp of water. "Neosporin to keep it clean," I assume he was referring to my knee, "and band aids. You know, just in case you fall again." I could tell he was teasing so I faked a pout.

"You knew what you were marrying into." This playful banter felt good but a tad awkward. Was it too soon? I missed his flirty side and welcomed it back with open arms, but to what extent and pay? Before I could overthink it anymore, he had pulled out of the parking lot and onto the main road.

The radio was off and all that could be heard was the outside world zooming by us. Edward had a lead foot and I was clutching my seatbelt mercifully. He had never once been in an accident, nor had he gotten a ticket, but there's a first time for everything. I cleared my throat as we slowed down at a red light.

"Thank you," I whispered softly, removing the death grip my fingers had formed on the seatbelt. I watched his face carefully as he slowly turned to face me.

"For what?" he asked softly, a twinge of pain laced his words.

"Taking care of me."

He shook his head and reached out to run just his index finger across my nylon covered thigh. "Isabella." And with that one word, I knew what he was saying. He was apologizing for his erratic behavior, his hard demeanor, and his attitude toward me. I nodded quickly and bit my lip, glancing out of the passenger side window so he wouldn't see the onset of tears threatening to spill over. Then Edward did the most spectacular thing. He reached over and grabbed my hand, lacing our fingers together and he held my hand the whole way to his parents' house.

* * *

We pulled up to the house and exited the car quickly. It was raining and I didn't want my hair to mat down. Edward grabbed a bouquet of roses from the backseat of the car and walked over to where I was standing under the awning of the porch. He didn't bother knocking, but why would he? Inside, kids were running around, parents were chasing them, and the TV was playing the Mickey Mouse Club House show.

"Aunt Belly, Aunt Belly!" little Austin squealed, running over to me and hugging my leg tightly in his grasp.

I smiled warmly. Is this what it would be like? Could I do this? Would my own child love me this much? I looked over at Edward who was smiling down at his nephew. His eyes glittered with love.

"What about me, little man?"

Austin let go of my leg and hugged his uncle's. "Hi, Uncle E!"

Edward reached down and ran a hand through Austin's curls. With that, the little boy took my left hand and Edward's right as he drug is into the kitchen. I nearly burst out laughing when I saw Rosalie in curlers and a long, plush, terry cloth robe. I had imagined her in some sort of silk kimono but I suppose that wouldn't be practical for a mother of three. With that, I began a list of pros and cons. So far I had the love a child gives you compared to not wearing silk negligees. _Oh give it up! _I half laughed at myself while shaking my head. _Like you ever did, or ever will, wear a silk negligee._

"Wow," Rosalie gaped, looking me over. I suddenly felt completely uncomfortable and rubbed absently at my forearm.

Austin had let go of our hands and was playing with a piece of dough. Edward moved from my side to fetch a glass of water. So there I stood, alone, under the judgment of Rosalie.

"I know, I'm like really overdressed," I admitted softly. My cheeks were hot when I looked up, my eyes immediately found Edwards. He had placed the roses on the counter and was leaning against it, one foot lazily crossed in front of the other. He was shaking his head no, emerald eyes burned into my brown ones. I swallowed thickly.

"No!" Rosalie argued. "I mean, it just really flatters you. You look… nice, Bella."

I smiled and nodded at her compliment. She was always so hot and cold with me and it was difficult to get a read on her.

"Bella, dear, how are you?" Esme asked from behind me.

I turned and hugged her to me tightly. No words needed to be said as she gently ran her soft, aged hand up and down my spine.

When Esme and I disengaged, Edward walked over to her, bouquet in hand. "Mom, these are for you."

"Oh, they're beautiful, hunny. Let's put them in water." Edward nodded and walked over to me, his face soft, his eyes kind.

"Bella!" Emmett's voice yelled from behind me. "Heard you got owned by Forks this morning."

I couldn't help but laugh and shake my head. "Yeah, yeah I guess I did."

"Should teach you a lesson going off all by yourself in the big city."

I laughed at his comment but brushed him off.

"Emmett!" Rosalie scolded, warning laced her tone. He walked over to her and kissed her cheek softly before moving behind her to massage her shoulders.

Edward never took his eyes from mine and his face still remained soft. He glanced down shyly and pulled his hand from behind his back. There, in his left hand where the light glinted off of his wedding band, he held a long stemmed rose.

"For my beautiful wife," he whispered, looking up at me through his thick lashes.

I took the rose from his delicate fingers and smiled softly. My heart was thundering out of control. I felt like I was on an episode of The Bachelor and Edward just asked me to stay another week. Except that I wasn't one of 15 other girls pining after his love. I had him; he was mine for as long as he'll have me.

"Ohhhh," Austin admired, pulling us from our intense connection. "Pretty."

Esme took a flower from the vase she just placed them in and cut off the thorns, shortening the stems. "Austin, this is a rose. You give it to the girl you love with your whole heart."

Austin took it from Esme's hand, handling it with the utmost care. His eyes were wide as he twirled it slowly. He slowly got up from his sitting position and ran down the hallway yelling "mommy!"

I simultaneous round of "awe"s escaped everyone in the kitchen. He was the sweetest kid in the world.

Rosalie and Emmett were talking quietly and Esme was stirring the potatoes as Edward leaned in closely, his hand at the small of my back. "Shall I show you around?"

I nodded quickly, knowing I hadn't been given the proper tour yet. We started downstairs. The kitchen, living room, dining room, and sitting room I knew. He showed me into the second, formal living room before we headed upstairs. Two of the rooms were closed, Rosalie and Emmett's, and Alice and Jasper's. Towards the end of the hall he opened a room that smelled directly of him. He ushered me in and shut the door quietly. I glanced around, nothing screamed Edward. It seemed sterile.

"The other family must have redecorated, but this was my childhood room." Edward pulled me over to the bed where he sat silently. After a few silent moments, he wrapped his long arms around my waist and pulled me to him. I gently slipped out of my shoes so his head could rest gently against my stomach.

I ran my fingers through his hair, massaging his scalp slowly, softly. "Fuck, why does that feel so fucking good?" He hummed and nuzzled and his nose against the lacey fabric of the dress. "And why do you always smell so good?" I smiled down at him as his drew me closer. It felt so good to feel needed.

"You know, Isabella," he began, lifting his head to look at me but never removing his hands from my hips. "This morning I woke up so early and I was just thinking about you. Before you called, before you got lost… I was just thinking about how we used to be, ya know? I craved your touch more than anything this morning. I craved your love. I fucking craved you." The grip he held on my hips grew tighter with each passing word and I closed my eyes, relishing the feeling. I remembered when he would grip my hips like his. I liked it rough when I was on top and he knew exactly how to give it to me.

"What are you thinking about?" he asked huskily.

I opened my eyes slowly and looked down at him. I had to grip my bottom lip between my teeth to stop the strangled moan that wanted to escape. His eyes were hooded, pupils dilated with just a touch of emerald peeking out. "Nothing," I lied, my voice cracking.

"Bullshit," he whispered.

Before I knew it, Edward had pulled us all the way back on the bed. I was straddling his hips while his hands ghosted up and down either side of my waist. I shuddered softly and ground against him. I moaned softly, my head falling forward as he took my hips in his hands again and ground me down against his erection while bucking his hips at the same time. I gasped, feeling the rigidness of his erection right on my barely covered center.

"Fuck," he muttered and did it again, and again, and again.

I braced my hands against his chest and threw my head back. My curls flew through the air, mouth agape while the front my neck was left fully exposed. He leaned up and nipped lightly just below my chin. I ground myself back and forth over him, the sharp feel of the fabric covering his zipper rubbed against me.

"Oh, Edward," I moaned softly.

Edward had bunched my hair in one hand and held my throat exposed as his nipped, bit, and sucked all my sweet spots. His free hand ran up my side to my right breast which he groped unashamed. I felt like I was in high school, doing naughty things with her boyfriend while his parents were still at work. When, in actuality, I was in my husband's childhood room on Thanksgiving with his dad dying upstairs and his family just feet below us.

Shame took over and I shook my head. "We can't, we can't," I kept chanting, hoping to convince myself.

"Can't we?" he reiterated, taking my hip in his right hand and forcing me down over his erection.

"Edward," I tried to reason but as he fell against the bed and gripped one ass cheek in each hand, forcing me back and forth across his erection, it immediately shut me up. "Oh, God, yes."

"Mmmm," he moaned and gripped me as best he could through my tight dress. "Fuck it," he muttered and pulled my dress up to expose my nylon covered ass. Before I could get back into the wing of things, he had flipped us so that I was on my back and he was hovering above me on his knees.

I gasped when I saw it. "Edward!"

"What?" He stopped completely.

I was ashamed at what I was looking at it. I reached a hand between my legs and realized just how turned on I was. My eyes bulged and the feeling of my wetness covering the insides of my thigh completely mortified me.

"Look," I whispered, pointing to the wetness that covered the front of his pants. "Is that from… me?"

He chuckled, fucking chuckled! "Well I certainly didn't blow my load in my pants." We just sat there, gazing at each other. I was embarrassed, he was still turned on. I felt him grind against me again and I tried to sit up. Our lips were inches apart and I could feel his hot breath washing over me.

"Don't," I pleaded. He shook his head and sat back on his heels. "Shit, what are you going to do?"

He merely shrugged. "One of these girls has to have a hair dryer." He flopped onto his back next to me and took my hand in his. "Besides," he whispered in my ear, "this way I'll get to smell you all day." He leaned into my neck and inhaled deeply. "And what a wonderful smell that is, Isabella."

"Jesus," I groaned, throwing an arm over my face. "I'm so mortified."

"Don't be, please?" he begged. "You weren't the one about to jerk off in front of your wife back at the hotel."

I giggled at the memory. "Okay," I whispered, sitting up and fixing the skirt of my dress. "Let's get you that blow dryer."

* * *

_Just a little taste ;)_

_Hope you all liked. Let me know if you did or didn't in the reviews!_

_See you all next time._


	8. Ivory keys

Disclaimer: SM owns all.

I just wanted to take a minute and thank each and everyone one of you who review, favorite, and alert this story. I had no idea how fans would take this kind of a story, but I'm overwhelmed at the positive feedback. Thank you so much.

I was originally going to post Edward's POV right after Bella's in this chapter, but I decided against it. I'll post Edward's in a few days.

* * *

The hiss that escaped my lips drew Esme's head up. I set the knife down slowly and watched as the blood slowly dripped down my finger. I never could quite understand why blood was so crimson red. The dark liquid made it past the middle knuckle before Esme wrapped a clean paper towel around the cut.

"You okay, dear?" she asked.

"Yeah, yeah I'm okay," I answered back. Blood makes me queasy, she knew it, so I sat down slowly.

"Why don't you go see what Edward and the boys are up to?" Esme offered. "I think we've got it from here." She smiled cheerfully down at me.

I glanced at Alice's round eyes, her head bobbing her approval, and then to Rosalie who continued stirring the gravy as if nothing had happened.

"Okay, sure." I knew they had been giving excuse after excuse for me to go sit down and enjoy myself. I knew they had wanted me out of the room. I couldn't blame them; I was rather clumsy, after all. It had been my idea to pick up the paring knife and peel the potatoes. It had been me who said I'd be fine. Now I'm left with no one to talk to and a gash on my left pointer finger.

I walked slowly to the living room where Edward and Austin lay on the floor, elbow to elbow, as they pieced together a puzzle. Edward's brows were drawn together in concentration as he tried his best to force two pieces together the obviously didn't belong. Austin giggled a little at his Uncle's attempts before he showed Edward the correct piece. I smiled, my heart warming at the site. Austin peeked his tongue out in thought before he pieced together a few more of the border pieces.

"You're cheating!" Edward joked.

"Am not!

Edward stifled a chuckle. "Are to!"

"Am not!" Austin yelled louder.

"Okay, okay, are not."

I leaned my side against the arch leading into the room, thankful that I hadn't yet been detected. I could hear Emmett and Jasper talking animatedly about childhood memories in a room down the hall. Emmett's boisterous laugh echoed in the hallway and I just shook my head.

Suddenly, Austin jumped to his feet and ran over to the baby grand just yards away. I held my breath. How would Edward take this? It had been months and months since he placed his long, delicate fingers on the ivory keys. I hadn't heard his music in far too long.

"Uncle E?" Austin asked shyly.

Edward rose to his knees, facing Austin, but remained stock still. "Yeah, Bud?"

"Mommy says you don't play anymore. How come?"

Edward shrugged. "I suppose adult things just got in the way."

"Play now?" Austin asked, hopeful.

I could almost hear the trepidation in his awkward silence. He rose to his feet, however, and slid next to Austin on the bench. I bit my bottom lip and stood up straight. Would he play? Would I finally get to hear his melodies?

"How about you play and I listen?" he suggested softly, lifting one of Austin's hands and placing it softly on the keys. He splayed Austin's short, chubby fingers over the keys and pressed down on one softly. Edward's whole body hunched over in defeat. "I always play, Austin," he admitted, "it's rare that anyone ever plays for me."

I nodded, knowing neither of them could see me, and I backed away slowly, quietly, as not to disturb the peaceful setting of Edward and his little nephew's time together. I wasn't yet comfortable being alone with Jasper or Emmett, though I knew if I chose that route both of them would make me feel welcome. The Cullen's were so warm and welcoming to anybody who entered their home. I truly had no idea that people like this even existed. Each one of the Cullen's were everyday angels.

My heels were off so as I walked down the long, hardwood hallway, I wasn't to be detected. I slipped into the bathroom to freshen up and place a band aid on my cut. Afterwards, I followed the pictures hung on the walls. There were pictures of babies in the grass outside, photos from picture day at school, sports photos, very old framed photos that I was guessing to be Edward's grandparents. I walked further on to pictures of Jasper and Alice's wedding, then Emmett and Rosalie's, and last was the beautiful photo of Edward and me at our wedding. I smiled, loving the look of complete bliss on his face. I glanced down at the large diamond ring on my finger and frowned. I was sad that I no longer felt anything for it. It was just a material object. I would be happy now with a ring from a 25 cent machine.

I moved on to the pictures of Emmett and Rosalie's three boys. They were all cute, but not as cute as Austin. The three boys took after Emmett in their shape and size. All were tall for their age and each loved a different sport. Next were the few pictures of Austin. He was a beautiful baby. He inherited his big eyes from his mother and his unruly hair from his father. Next to the photos of the grandchildren was a picture of me and Edward. It had been taken last year at the Christmas party that his company holds each year. He wore all black. So did I. Under his eyes lay soft, purple bruises and he barely had a hint of a smile as he ducked in next to me for the picture.

I remember it like it was yesterday. He had never asked me if I wanted to attend the party, it was never on his mind that maybe, just maybe, I had made plans to spend the night with my parents and grandparents, who had flown in for the weekend. In the picture, I wore bright red lipstick, something Edward hated on me, and mascara. My hair was pin-straight and I was drunk, you could see it in my eyes. I smirked at the memory of how displeased Edward was with me. He never told me, of course, but I can read his eyes like no one else, always so expressive. I had a half empty glass of expensive champagne in one hand, and a full glass, brought by a waiter, in the other. I can remember just after the picture was taken that I quickly downed the half empty glass and shoved it into Edward's hands. He gripped it so tight I thought it would shatter everywhere.

"Knock it off," he whispered in my ear. I shrugged him off and acted like I didn't hear him

I continued mingling with his co-workers, the people who worked for him. They would never say anything to Edward about how drunk or inappropriate I had been, so what should I care?

_That was then_, I thought to myself. I shrugged and walked past that memory, leaving it behind. A loud cough startled me and I ducked my head into the open room down the hall.

"Carlisle?" I asked quizzically.

"How are you, dear? I heard you had a rather trying morning."

I shrugged my shoulders. "Suppose it would be big news in a town like Forks."

He laughed at my joke and pointed to the chair next to his bed. "Please," he offered, "sit."

I did as he asked and sat down. I glanced around the room. Books were splayed all around his bed, newspapers on the bedside table. He had books and books of crossword and Sudoku puzzles on the other bedside table. I was starting to feel uncomfortable in this big room all alone with Carlisle.

I cleared my throat. "So, uh, you're down here now? Like, for good?"

He nodded. "I think so. Don't tell anyone else, but I've lost a great deal of energy since they brought me out of bed. I told my wife that this room was a good change."

"Yeah," I nodded. "Now you can look out over the beautiful garden."

He glanced out the rather large window. "Yes. Esme's pride and joy." He turned to me and smiled. I fidgeted with my fingers and crossed then uncrossed my legs nervously. "You know," he started, "Edward loves you a great deal."

I glanced up, surprised at this. "And I him, Carlisle."

"Yes, yes I know you've always loved him. You're so good for him, dear. Esme and I always talk about how much he's been himself since you've entered the picture. You see, with each of his other girlfriends and his, well, Tanya, he has never been himself. Always worried about how we'll react to his girlfriend's when he brings them home, how his brothers will act, what people will say. By always worrying, he changed who he was. He could never relax, Bella. With you…," he met my gaze, "…it was always different. He was so light, so soft, so full of energy when he brought you around. That's when Esme and I knew you were it for him."

His words had renewed such a spark inside me that I didn't know what to do next. I cast my eyes to floor as I gently wiped away my tears. "Thank you, Carlisle. You've always been so gracious to me even when…"

"Even when what?"

"Even when we were… going through a tough time."

Carlisle nodded. He knew this. I figured Edward had told him. "And now?" he asked. "Now the tough time is over?"

I shrugged a shoulder. "We talked things over this morning. He's apologized for everything."

"And that's it?"

"That's it," I say, meeting Carlisle's gaze.

"Bella, listen to me, I love Edward, God knows I love him. But Edward is so stubborn, we both know that. I've asked him to get help, professional help, both of you. I think couples therapy would help you both tremendously."

I nodded my approval, not trusting my own voice. Therapy scared the shit out of me, but I was to the point where I'd be willing to try anything.

"It would do you wonders, Bella. It will help you cope, it will help you sort through the things you've been trying to process for months. It'll allow Edward to finally open up the way he needs to and communicate with you the way it should have always been. I've also asked him to see another therapist. He's dealing with a lot of trust and emotional issues. For your marriage to finally be the way it's supposed to be, he needs to be able to give everything to you fully."

I nodded again, running my hand through my curled hair. "Carlisle?" I said softly, my voice cracking.

"Yes?"

I blinked several times before looking up into his soft, comforting gaze. "I love you."

His grin spread across his face. He was happy, I could tell. "Oh, Bella, I love you too. You know you've always been like the daughter we never had."

"I'm sorry we didn't visit more. I never knew…"

"Hey, it's okay," Carlisle said softly. "I asked Edward not to tell anyone. It was my fault. I blame myself. I should have never asked Edward to bare this on his shoulders alone. He needed his wife, his wife needed her husband."

Things fell silent after that and when I glanced at Carlisle, his head rested gently on a feather pillow and his eyes were shut. He looked so peaceful resting like this. I wondered briefly if he felt any pain when he was asleep. I wondered how unbearable it was when he was awake. I said a silent prayer right there and then. The first prayer since I was 21 and prayed to die from the excruciating hangover I was enduring.

_God, it's Bella. Bella Swan- wait, no, It's Bella Cullen. But you probably know that anyways because, well, you're God. Anyways, I was wondering if maybe you could take alleviate some of Carlisle's pain? You could even pass some of his pain onto me, maybe, if that would help. I think I could endure it. No, I would endure it. He's done so much for me. I want him to be happy, God. If you can't take away his pain, can you at least make his passing quick? Oh, and can you make sure his family doesn't hurt too much after he's gone? I know they will, because it's their father and husband they're losing, but maybe just take away some of the pain?_

_Okay, that is all._

_Thank you._

_Love,_

_Isabella Marie Cullen_

I opened my eyes just in time for the beeping on the alarm clock to sound. Carlisle yawned slowly and I felt bad that he had to be awakened only after he found some peace.

"Could you please hand me the water, dear?"

I did as he asked and watched as he downed three pills.

"Does it hurt?" I asked suddenly.

"Does what hurt?" he asked humorously. "The cancer?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "Cancer, staying in bed, the boredom, not being able to do things you used to be able to…"

He thought for a moment. "The cancer doesn't necessarily hurt. They've got me on enough pills to dull any kind of pain. I think now the doctors are just waiting for the call." This saddens me immensely and I draw my brows together pensively, wondering how he could talk so freely about cancer and death and dying. Carlisle continues, "Staying in bed isn't as bad as it would seem. Not being able to do things I used to be able to? Well, yes, that's the worst. I miss being able to pick up my grandchildren. I miss being able to just sit with my sons on the couch and watch sports. I miss being able kiss my wife, pick her up and twirl her around, I certainly miss being able to take her out on dates. What I miss most of all is taking care of my wife, not her taking care of me."

"She's been very strong," I admitted.

"She's a trooper," he replied softly, his eyes drooping again.

"Carlisle, what will she do when…"

He didn't answer for a while after that and I figured he had fallen asleep. When I got up to tighten the sheets around his body I saw slow tears making their way down his cheeks.

"Oh, Carlisle, I'm so sorry! Please, please, please don't cry." I reached over to grab a few tissues and blotted his cheeks with them. It was then that I noticed how his face had truly changed. It was much thinner, much paler, and his wrinkles were deep. His eyes were slightly sunken in and underneath of them lived dark, purple circles. It looked like he hadn't slept in weeks.

His eyes fluttered open, glowing around the glass that encased them. He reached up to still my wrist. "Promise me you'll check on her?" His voice was so soft that I barely heard him.

An onslaught of tears threatened to spill over as I nodded my answer over and over. "We'll take care of her, I promise."

He nodded and relaxed after that. "Open the window, will you?" he asked. "I like to let the breeze in."

I got up slowly and walked to the windows, opening one half way. The chill in the room was nearly unbearable when I curled back up in the chair. He handed me a small afghan and I draped it over my legs.

"Tell me about what you've been doing," he says softly.

So I did. I told him about helping Renee, I told him about all the books I've been reading, the poetry I've been living in, the research I've been doing on certain authors. Last, I told him about the volunteering I've been doing at the library in Chicago. I thought he was asleep, his body was so still, give the rise and fall of his chest, but then he cleared his throat.

"You know, one of my best friends from college owns a chain of libraries in the Buffalo area. I could give him your name and number and tell him how much you love helping people. He would love having you work for him."

I giggled. Buffalo? Was he kidding me? "That's really sweet of you, but Chicago is my home. My parents are there, Edward's company is there. Buffalo is just… so far away. And I don't have a degree in anything. I'm sure he could find someone much more qualified than I am."

"Nonsense, Bella. You're one of the smartest people I know. A college degree doesn't prove your intelligence; it proves how much your parents forced you into getting a college degree. Do you know how many idiots graduate from college? A lot. And Buffalo is a nice city; I've visited a few times in my life. Sometimes change is good."

Not wanting to fight about this, I simply replied, "That would be lovely."

He nodded once. "Done."

A few more moments pass and everything is quiet. I can no longer hear the soft giggles of little kids. I can no longer hear Emmett and Jasper's laughter. I can no longer hear Esme and Alice telling Rosalie that she shouldn't be stirring the potatoes like that. All I can hear is the beautiful, soft, melancholic music as heavy fingers weigh down ivory and ebony keys.

"Edward's playing," Carlisle says, humming to the song that is being played.

"No," I reason, "that's Austin."

Carlisle shakes his head. "No, that's Edward. Shhh, listen carefully…" So I did. His music was soft, delicate, never rushed, unsure, loving in some parts, loathing in others. "This is his song. He used to play it all the time."

I listened awhile longer, loving the sound of Edward's song filter through the silent house. I wondered briefly if everyone else- his brothers, his sisters-in-law, his mother- was as stricken and surprised by his melody.

For the briefest of moments I thought about running out of the room, down the hall, past his family, and into his arms. I felt such a pull to this song and to him, my husband.

Just as soon as the music began, it stopped.

All was quiet.

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See you all in a few days :)

Don't forget to let me know whatchya think of this chapter!


	9. Demons

_Disclaimer: I own nothing._

**Here's Edward's POV. I could have stopped at a lot of spots in this chapter. In fact, I wanted to, but I kept writing. I needed to get some things out and where I left it seemed to be an okay place. Edward may seem a bit different in this chapter, but remember he's dealing with a lot of shit. This chapter explains how he views himself. **

**I won't say anymore, enjoy :)**

* * *

I love this kid. This kid, this fucking kid sitting on the hard floor beating me, a grown man, at a puzzle… I fucking love him. I've always loved him; sure, I've loved him for all of his short 3 years of existing. It wasn't until this moment right here with the scent of his baby shampoo filling my nostrils and feel of his soft arm against my rough one that I finally realized I was capable of this. The fear of loving someone, something, anything… it scared the shit out of me. For the longest time, I hid behind a mask. A mask that shielded me from all the pain I would have endured, _should have _endured, had it not been there. A force field protecting my mind, my heart, my soul from the dangers of the world. I was a coward.

Austin was on his stomach, supporting himself on his elbows while his legs were bent behind him at the knees, hitting me occasionally. I pretended not to notice, too captivated by this little kid's puzzle. He hit me again and giggled softly. Have you ever heard the sound of a child's laughter? The high pitched innocence and fucking perfection of a child's laughter? It's the purest thing in the world. A child is the purest thing in the world. I suddenly felt the need to wrap my arms around my nephew and protect him from all the fucked up evil shit in this world. I don't want him to turn out like me.

"Austin?"

"What?"

I turned my head, watching him work diligently as he pieced together parts of the puzzle, setting them aside to work on another section. "I love you, buddy."

"Love you too, Uncle E." He never faltered. He wasn't afraid. He took my love, his mom and dad's love, everyone's love and sealed inside. I was instantly jealous. I wanted to ask him how he did it. How could he take the love everyone gave him and not feel guilty about accepting it? _Because he deserves is_, I said to myself.

We worked together for a while longer. He had three small sections together before I even had one. I smiled to myself, loving this. It wasn't often someone challenged me. I accused him of cheating, he wouldn't have it. I told him again and then backed off. My heart swelled, pumped the blood burning through my body. It felt freeing to feel good. For the first time in so long, I felt like me again. I had my wife, My Bella, my family was all together, and my nephews were all here. The only thing I would change is sitting in the room down the hall. If I could, I'd take his pain, all his fucking pain, and put it on me. I'd take his cancer, the very thing killing him, taking his soul away from the ones who love him the most, and put it on myself. A good man like Carlisle deserves to live a long, prosperous life. A man like me-

I didn't have time to finish my thoughts before Austin was up and bouncing across the room.

I watched as Austin jumped up onto the bench. The rare sunshine streamed in through large window, cascading a heavenly picture of my nephew. My heart beat faster. I knew what was coming.

"Uncle E?" His voice was shy, timid, almost scared.

I rose to my knees, swallowing thickly. "Yeah, Bud?"

"Mommy says you don't play anymore. How come?"

A sudden heat rushed to my face. How do I tell him that I lost my ability to play? That only emotion goes into music playing. That I don't feel anything anymore. That I'm scared I failed at everything, failed everyone. That I fucked everything up. I answered the best I could, trying to explain certain things in a way a child could understand. "I suppose adult things just got in the way."

Austin lowered his eyes from mine, swinging his legs that didn't quite reach the ground. He had just the faintest hint of smile, hope shining through his eyes and laced with every word. "Play now?"

My heart broke. I couldn't say no to this beautiful, untouched, innocent child. I didn't want to let him down. I was silent for what felt like hours but I'm sure were merely seconds. I rose to my feet and walked over to where he waits on the bench. My feet were heavy, weighed down with imaginary cement. When I finally reached the bench I sat down next to Austin.

"How about you play and I listen?" With shaky, unsure hands, I gripped one of his and placed it gently on the cold keys. My breath was held deep inside my lungs, I didn't even notice the burn as I placed each of Austin's short, chubby fingers on the keys. The second one of my own touched the beautiful, hard, freezing key, I slumped over. Was it defeat? Could I defeat this? Was it defeating me? Would I finally be a better person? _Could _I finally be a better person? Everything in me was screaming that yes, yes I could do this. I could change. I would change. I _am _changing. "I always play, Austin, it's rare that anyone ever plays for me."

I wished, more than anything, that Isabella was here to see this. My first step at being me, her Edward. Her Edward and My Bella. That's who we were, that's who we are.

I sat with Austin for a few minutes as he tapped softly, not childlike at all, on the soft ivory of the keys. He touched timidly, afraid of something.

"What's wrong?" I asked softly, grasping his small pointer finger with two of mine and tapping a few keys, producing a few melodies. It was through him, my beautiful baby nephew, which allowed me for the first time in a long time to feel the pain disperse through my body. It poured of out of my toes, my fingers, and my eyes as I used his finger to play what I wasn't ready for yet. He would never, in a million years, understand how simple and yet profound this moment is. Austin, my medium for playing the piano.

A soft hand came up to brush against my old, rough skin. He rubbed his pointer and middle finger against his thumb. The salty wetness rubbed into his skin. He was taking my pain away. He turned to me again with his free hand, still allowing me to play through him, and cupped my cheek. I didn't meet his eyes, I couldn't. I was crying silent tears of pain, of sorrow, of happiness, of release in front of a three year old. This was our moment. He would forget in a few hours, this memory being tucked into the frontal lobes of his brain where it will stay hidden forever, a moment only he and I will share.

I pressed our fingers so softly on the keys that they barely rang out. No one else in the house could hear, and for that I am thankful.

"What should we play?" I whispered, more tears gently slipping.

"Whatever your heart tells you to." I swear to God, on all that is fucking holy on this earth, that this child wasn't three. An old soul at three, is that possible?

I pushed our bodies down to the left and into a lower key. I smiled slightly as I looked for the "dog house", not that I needed to recognize it as such now that I'm a master at this instrument, but I found the C note and pressed softly. Yes, this melody would work fine.

"Here Austin, I'll teach you a trick. You see these black keys up here?" I brought his fingers up to show him the sets of two and three black keys. He nodded. I took his palm from my salty cheek and placed the wet finger tips of his left hand on the black keys. "The set of two black keys," I pressed softly with his right hand, the one I was holding, onto each of the two keys. He followed my lead and pressed softly on a separate pair of black keys. "This is the dog house, Austin, just the pair of two black keys. The key in between the dog house is D. D is for dog. Makes sense, right? A dog lives in a dog house." I brought his hand down to the white key between the two black ones. "To the right of the dog house is an elephant, the E key." I pressed his little finger on the E key.

He giggled softly. "An elephant?"

"Yes," I smiled, "an elephant. This family loves pets. On the other side, next to the dog, is the family's cat, the C key." With his free hand, he mimicked what I did with his right hand. "See, C D E." We played the three together. Next I showed him the families' house. "They live in and around the set of three black keys," I explained, pressing his finger against the group of three black keys. I explained the keys G and A, garage and attic, were what rested inside the black keys. The front of the house was to the left the garage, and the back of the house was to right of the attic. F G A B.

After I explained the keys and demonstrated, we played a few melodies. C D E F G A B. I taught him the basics, I was proud of how quickly his three year old mind picked everything up. He faltered here and there but I went slow enough with his right hand so his left hand could keep up. I was unsure how long we had been playing and practicing before he pulled his finger back.

"My finger feels weird," he said before sitting on his hands.

A quiet peace settled over us as we both looked at the beautiful, shiny keys. Light continued to stream through the glass window.

"You know grandma and grandpa bought this for me when I was 16," I explained for more my benefit than his. "They didn't buy it brand new. They bought it from some old collector. The collector said it was prize. The keys were made of real ivory. The means this piano is hundreds of years old. They had it sent away to be refurbished and shiny, but they asked for the keys to remain the same. That's why they look funny, Austin."

We were quiet again and he didn't say anything to me. I sighed slowly.

"You really want me to play?" I ask softly.

He looked up at me. My tears had dried but the tracks were still visible. "Do _you_ really want to play?" he backfired.

My lips pouted, my throat went dry, and my fingers shook. I could feel my heart beating, my blood thickening, passing through my veins. "Yes."

"What are you gonna play?"

I smile softly, leaning down to kiss his beautiful mop of curls. "What my heart tells me to." I clear my throat and swallow to coat it. "This one's for you, baby boy," I whisper, looking down at his childlike features.

My fingers hover over the keys softly; they're not touching the pure ivory yet. I glance down, my fingers aren't even shaking. I'm not scared anymore. My body doesn't betray me, doesn't give me a false sense of what I think I should do, what I think I can't do. This moment, it's pure. Just me, Austin, and the piano. I line my fingers up correctly; the cold of the keys sends a shiver down my spine. The pads of my fingers instantly freeze and I relish in the feeling. This is who I am. This is what I am. This is what I'm supposed to do. Be here with my family, love my nephew, respect my wife, obey my parents, love myself, play my piano.

And so I start… The first few keys I stumble over, but after that it goes on unhinged. I'm not pressing down forcefully, I'm not going fast. This is for Austin, nobody else. This is for our ears only.

I sing the melody of the keys. "G C D E E E D E C C, C D E F A A G F E," and then I sing the lyrics. _"You'll never know dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away. You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray. You'll never know dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away." _

While I sang, I could hear Austin humming along to the tune. Towards the end he joined in the lyrics and when I finished, he hugged me. His little arms wrapped as far as they could around my frame and he hugged the shit out of me. All at once it came back. The sounds of laughter down the hall, Emmett and Jasper bickering about who won the final tournament of Uno during Christmas break of 2001, a loud banging of pots and pans, swearing, and giggles coming from the kitchen. Has all this been going on the entire time we were playing? Had Austin and I been in this bubble, not hearing anything until it was popped?

"Austin!" his mother yelled from the kitchen, another bang and a fit of laughter escaped from the kitchen. "Come here, baby, I have a surprise for you!"

"A surprise!" Austin yelled excitedly, jumping up off the bench and running to the end of the room. He stopped suddenly and ran back to me, pulling on my shirt roughly. I bent down so he could kiss my cheek. "Love you, Uncle E." And just like that, he was gone.

I smiled at his innocence before turning back to the piano. It was getting fucking hot in here. I set loose a few buttons at the top of my shirt, but that wasn't enough. I walked to the window and opened it slightly. The sun was deceiving; it was so fucking cold out. Just because it's sunny doesn't mean it's not ugly out. Just because you smile doesn't mean you're not fucking dying on the inside.

I didn't mind the cold, the breeze woke me up. I sat back down on the black bench and closed my eyes. Every few seconds a gust of wind would swirl around me and the scent of Isabella would assault me. Pure, unadulterated, Isabella. The scent of her sex, what I did to her earlier, what I could produce from her, it sent me into a sort of frenzy. We moved fast, but fuck me if it didn't feel good. I wanted to take things slow; I had only just gotten her back. Sex complicates things, or it's supposed to. Sex never complicated us.

I missed her touch, the way she felt under my weight. I missed her smile, her happiness. I took that from her. I robbed her of so many things. My fingers found the keys effortlessly. The wind picked up, a huge gust blew into the room. It chilled my skin but not my blood. I was boiling on this inside, trying so hard to fight this demon inside of me. This demon was destroying me.

_You're not good enough. You'll never be good enough, not for them. Not for her. She deserves better, better than you can give her. Her heart is open, it always has been, it always will be. Yours is dead, still beating but dead in essence. You're no good. You're nothing. Who have you become? You work day in and day out, you hate your job, your life in Chicago. It isn't home to you. It never was. Leave. Leave her and never look back. She'll find someone. She'll find someone better than you, better than what you can give her. She's still young, she can settle down, have beautiful kids, grow old with her husband… A husband that's not you._

My eyes were still closed, I could still smell her around me, I could feel her around me. My fingers were on the keys. They were loud, they were strong. Everything was quiet. Was it because of the bubble this piano put me in? When I touched the keys nothing, no one, could harm me. It was my drug. The ebony and ivory keys, the shiny black of this baby grand, my very own drug. No one can understand. No one. No one but Isabella. She always cared. Always. She was always there for me. Always. I always pushed her down. Always. I always kept her at an arm's length distance. Always. I always hurt her. Always.

_Her husband would be home at 5:15 on the dot. He would never be late for dinner. Never late unless he stopped to buy her flowers. He would show her his appreciation. He would force her to go back to school, to do what she loves, no matter what. She wouldn't take his shit. She would stand up for herself. If she wanted affection, he'd give it to her. If she were too tired to get up and take care of the crying baby, he would do it. He would do it all. He would because he loves her substantially. And she loves him just as much. _

Tears, again, fall slowly, silently down my cheeks. The salty tears drip down onto my pant leg and as I lean forward, onto the perfection of the keys. I've tainted it. I've tainted this beautiful piece of my heart. Was I talking about the piano? Maybe. Was I talking about Isabella? Abso-fucking-lutely. It won't work the same again. Her heart, my heart, they beat the same but they're both ruined. Can we start over?

"Can we start over?" I whisper softly. "Can we start over? Can we start over? Can we start over?" No one hears me above the sorrow of the music. I beat down on the keys, my fingers releasing tension. "It feels so good," I mumble, "so fucking good." I release myself into the power and tension that my fingers lay on the keys. Like water, they move fluidly back and forth, over a hand or a finger and faster and faster I play.

I think of her. I think of My Bella. The music comes easily. Loving, soft, delicate. I think of her tainted heart. The music turns melancholic as I run my fingers down the keys. It all comes easily, too easily. This beautiful melody that I've had in my head since I was a teenager… it all comes out so easily. I miss her, I mentally call for her. _My Bella, come to me. Come to me. Come to me. Love me. Love me. I love you. I'm sorry. Come to me. Forgive me. Love me. Leave me._ "No!" I groan at the thought. _Be happy. Do what you need to do. I can fix this. I can fix you. I can fix us. Trust me. Love me. Come to me. Be with me. Be mine again. Forgive me. I love you._ "I love you. I love you. I love you, Bella."

_You can't be what she needs, _my demon says. _You can't be it for her. You can't even be it for you. How can anyone else love you if you don't even love you? You hate yourself. You're a fuck up. _It all comes out in this melody. A melody I've known for years and years. This is how I've thought about myself for years and years. I'm so fucked up.

My eyes snap open.

I can no longer feel the breeze.

I'm numb.

This demon is me.

I'm self-destructive.

I'm not capable of this.

My fingers falter over the keys for the first time since this melody began.

I stop suddenly, no longer feeling it.

The bubble has burst.

I'm no longer alone. Anyone can invade my high.

I listen carefully. The laughter has stopped. The kitchen is quiet. Emmett and Jasper are silent.

I am alone and everyone has heard.

This demon in me... it isn't in me. It is me.

I am the demon.

I am my own, personal hell.

"Save me," I whisper, hoping my angel will come to me. "Save me," I whisper again. "Save me!" This time I'm louder. I can hear my voice echo through the halls. Feet, just one pair, pad against the floor. "Save me!" again, louder than the last. My tears haven't stopped.

Strong arms circle my neck and pull my head against a soft, flat stomach. I close my eyes, feeling serenity.

"Save me." It's a whisper this time and I choke on a sob.

There aren't any words of reassurance. I don't hear her shush me. My angel, My Bella just wraps her arms around my neck, leans her cheek to my hair and inhales. I can feel her run her fingers through my hair and I turn into her body. I throw my legs over the bench and wrap my arms so tightly around her I'm afraid she can't breathe. If she can't she doesn't admit it, just grips me tighter. I sob into her dress, her beautiful lace dress, and rub my tears against her. I know she can feel them soaking into her. She takes it. She takes my tears and cups the back of my neck, pressing my face into her stomach tighter. I'm muffled. My voice is muffled. Our world is muffled. I've been screaming for so long, too long. It's all boiled up. I can't handle it.

"I don't want this demon. I don't want this demon," I chant over and over.

"Give it to me," she answers quietly. "Give it to me. Let me take your pain away."

Slowly, I peel my face from her ruined dress and look into her deep brown eyes. She wants to. She wants this. She wants to take my pain away.

"I love you," I say to her, standing, pushing the bench away. "I love you. I love you. I fucking love you, Isabella." She smiles when I lean my forehead to hers. "Don't take this pain. You can't have it. I won't let you." I kiss every inch of skin on her face, avoiding her lips. I move to her jaw line until my face is buried in the side of her neck. "I don't want you to be fucked up like I am." She soothes me. She runs her hand up and down my back. I've stopped crying. I kiss my way back up her face. I want so badly to kiss her beautiful, pouty lips but I don't. Something holds me back. I know she wants it, I can feel her breathing hitch when I kiss the sides of her lips, her cupids bow, her chin. Something stops me. She deserves more than I can give her. "You deserve more," I say, defeated.

"Shut up, Edward." Her eyes are closed.

I cup both her cheeks and press my forehead against her.

"You do, Isabella. You're great. I'm fucked up. I'm this demon. I destroy everything. I've destroyed you, I've destroyed me, my relationship with my brothers. I hate my job, that fucking company. I hate Chicago." It reminds me of all my failures.

"Shh," she whispers. "We'll figure it out. I promise."

"You deserve better than what I've been giving you."

She doesn't agree and she doesn't disagree. "I deserve _you_, Edward. I can see the good in you. Right now, I can tell, you've changed. Your eyes, they're soft. You're smile, it's real. Your skin has color to it. Your laugh is joyous. Your words mean something. The way you look at me, it's brand new."

"It only changed this morning," I remind her.

"It doesn't matter," she sighs, "it only matters that it did change."

"I need help."

"You need help."

"Will you help me?" I ask softly.

"I'll try."

"Go with me… to counseling?"

"I will."

"Couples?"

"And personal."

"And personal."

"For us."

"For us."

So that's what we'll do.

* * *

I cleaned myself up. The person in the mirror looking back at me was new. I haven't seen him in a while. I smile and welcome him back. Could this be it? No more self-depleting thoughts. No more ruining my life and the lives around me. No more telling myself I don't deserve something. I do. I'm human. I'm a person. We all fuck up… or maybe we're all just fuck ups. Either way, I'm not different from those around me.

I walk out of the bathroom, emotionally drained. We haven't even eaten dinner yet. If anyone heard my breakdown they don't admit it. I don't get weird looks from anyone besides Alice. Of all the people in this house, she can sense me the best. I love her for it. I hug her and whisper everything is ok. She tells me she knows, she tells me it will be. I think for a second about telling her everything. I entertained the idea of whispering to her my deepest darkest secrets that only my wife knows. My wife knows because they're her secrets too. She lived this lie with me for 18 months. She lived with a heart dead husband and yet she forgives me.

_You don't deserve her._

My hear falters. I tell myself to shut the fuck up. He listens.

I help my brothers move two tables into Carlisle's room. We place them together at the foot of the bed.

Dinner was great. Carlisle slipped in and out of sleep. When he slept we were silent. When he awoke we talked.

"I like Phineas," Isabella says, stuffing a piece of turkey dipped in mashed potatoes into her mouth.

"Phineas?" Rosalie scrunches her nose up in obvious disgust.

"Yes. Phineas. Like 'Here Finn, come clean up your blocks'. It's a lovely name."

Emmett and Rosalie scoff. "Clearly you've never had kids," Emmett teases. "You think they clean up after themselves?"

We all laugh, even Carlisle. He seems less than lucid tonight. Esme says it's the dosage of his meds, they always make him sleepy. Tonight seems different. He's slipping in and out of dream land. I miss him. When I watch him sleep I imagine he's healthy, cancer free. I imagine he's the dad I remember. The one who would take me to baseball games when I was younger. The one who bought me my first piece of shit car, even though he had enough money to buy a fucking tank if he wanted one.

"_It'll teach you to appreciate things even more," he explained, dropping the keys into my hand._

"_Oh, c'mon, dad! This piece of junk is older than I am!" I protested._

_He laughed, fucking laughed, before turning his back and hopping into his beautiful Mercedes. "Go easy on her, Son."_

I didn't appreciate shit. I ran that car into the ground by the time I was 18. I smirked and looked over at Bella, still defending that name.

"I think it's a wonderful name," I said, adding my two cents.

She looked up at me and smirked. "See? Edward loves it."

I didn't really. I mean, it was an okay name. Truth be told, I never really put much thought into what I would name my child. My child. I still couldn't believe I had nearly forced Isabella to bare my child. I'm so fucked up. Fucked on so many levels.

"Oh, well that solves it!" Rosalie exclaimed. "The God of all Gods, Edward freaking Cullen, loves the name! Emmett, we _must _name our next child Phineas!"

Everyone laughed everyone that is except Isabella. I wrapped an arm around her shoulder and kissed the top of her head.

"Carlisle," I called, pulling him away from his conversation with one of Emmett's boys.

"Yep?"

"What do you think of the name Phineas?"

He closed his eyes and inhaled, a small smile formed at the corners of his mouth. He opened his eyes and nodded. "For a little girl or a little boy?"

"Either!" my wife yelled, trying to persuade him but defend herself.

He paused but his head was still nodding. "I think it's a beautiful name. Phineas Cullen."

It was silent for a second before everyone started laughing, even Isabella. It felt good to laugh. It felt good to be with my family.

"Phineas was the name of my dad's dad; did you know that, Edward?"

I knew why he was asking. My dad was exceptionally close to his grandfather. By him saying this, he completely approved of the name.

"Phineas Virgil!" Isabella exclaimed, having had a few glasses of wine in her.

"God, no!" Alice called out, smacking her palm against the table. Between fits of laughter she managed to say, "Please, no! Don't do that to my niece or nephew."

"I'm not pregnant, Alice!" she defended, holding up her wine glass as proof.

"No," Alice shook her head, "not yet anyways."

Everyone just brushed Alice's comment off their shoulders. I didn't. It scared me.

"And besides, do you even know what Virgil means in the literary world?"

Rose and Emmett scoffed at her comment, Jasper just watched my wife and I as she fed me a piece of pie. The boys were on the floor coloring. Esme was cleaning up and Carlisle was watching his family. I glanced over at him and my heart swelled. He had tears in his eyes and he was nodding. No one was saying anything but he was nodding. The smile on his face was contagious and soon we were all smiling, silent tears fell from some eyes. My wife took my hand under the table and rubbed soothing circles with the pad of her thumb. I kissed her temple and stood.

"Want some help, Mom?" I ask, gathering up some dirty dishes and walking with her towards the kitchen.

"Oh no, hunny, go be with your siblings. I can take care of this." She scraped the left overs into the garbage and set the plates next to the sink. She hadn't looked at me and I could tell from her wavering voice that she was deeply hurt. The radio was on low, something she always did when she cleaned the kitchen. It played faintly, and I can recall every time I caught her washing the dishes, dancing to the soft music.

_The beat wasn't even good; her body wasn't even matching up with the rhythm. I rolled my eyes, directing my friends up to my room. They were laughing and I was embarrassed. It wasn't her fault; she didn't even know I was home from school._

"_Mom?"_

_She dropped the glass she was washing back into the soapy water and she clutched at her heart. "Oh, Edward, you scared me!" She laughed softly and shook her head, turning back to turn the water off. "You're home early."_

"_It's 3:15."_

"_All ready?"_

"_Yep. James and Mike are upstairs, that okay?"_

"_Of course, sweetie, just make sure you get your homework done."_

_She walked over to me, radiating. My mother was beautiful. I heard my friends throw the word MILF around but I never associated my mom as "hot". She wasn't anything but beautiful. The way my dad looked at her was incredible. They were so in love it was almost sickening. Almost. She hugged me to her and kissed my cheek. At 17, I was towering over her petite form and she always said something about me growing up to fast. What was I supposed to do, stop growing? My mom loved me, no doubt about it, and she'd show it any chance she got. As a senior in high school, it was a bit embarrassing when your mom just grabs you and hugs you in the middle of the grocery store parking lot just because she felt like it. I wouldn't appreciate those days until I was older, I know it._

_Esme walked over to the radio and turned it up, some old song, a slower song, came on. She held her hands out to me. "May I have this dance, Edward?"_

"_Mom, my friends…" I tried to make an excuse._

"_For your mother?" She was always trying to guilt me! It always worked._

_I laughed and shook my head, placing my arm around her waist and my hand in hers. Esme and my dad made all three of their sons take dance lessons a few years ago. I was the only one who remembered. _

_I danced with her in time of the rhythm, something she clearly had none of. "Mom, you can't even count the beat!" I joked._

"_Shut it, Edward, not all of us can have your musical skills." I know it was a joke, but it was true. My dad and my mom bought me my very first, my very own, piano last year. It wasn't for a birthday, Christmas, or anything._

_It was simply "because we believe in you"._

_I've never felt more love from those two right then and then there. Black, shiny wood, beautiful keys that sounded like the loveliest angel's voice. I could have cried, I did dry, but not while they were there._

_I spun her around the linoleum floor while she giggled. Her eyes were bright, her smile was wide, and her skin was flawless. My mother was beautiful. I hoped, at just 17, that I would never hurt her for as long as I lived._

"_Cheating on me, are you Esme?" Carlisle joked from behind me._

"_Well it's been awhile since you twirled me around this floor," she responded, her smile never dropped._

"_May I cut in?" he asked._

"_Have to ask the lady."_

"_M'lady?"_

_Esme thought about it for a moment before resting her head against my chest._

"_I love you, Mom."_

"_I love you too, my sweet baby boy."_

_When I placed my mom's soft hand in my dad's larger one he looked at me with pride in his eyes. He smiled at me and nodded his head. He was proud of me. Nothing felt better than this moment._

"Mom?" I asked softly.

"Yeah, hunny?"

I cleared my throat and offered her my hand. "May I have this dance?"

She had to stop herself from choking on a sob. She walked over to the radio and turned it up a bit louder. I hadn't danced with Esme since mine and Isabella's wedding. Her hand was still soft but it was aged. My mother kept her beauty throughout the years. Her eyes were glowing, softly rimmed in red as she silently willed her tears to stay at bay.

I hushed her and pulled her into my chest. My arms went around her neck and my cheek rested atop her head. I let her cry into my shirt. I let her cry for her sons, for her grandchildren, for her son's wives, always daughters in her eyes, and she cried for her husband. The love of her life who was slipping slowly, slowly, so slowly like sand between her fingers. She did everything she could to keep that sand, his life- his soul, from escaping.

"It'll be all right, mom," I reassured her. "It's okay to hurt. It's good to hurt." She cried harder and I feared that I said something wrong. I ran my hands up and down her back soothingly. "I love you, Mom. No matter what, we're here. Me, Jasper, Emmett, Rose, Alice, and Isabella, we're here for you, anytime."

She nodded into my chest and I held her.

She took my hand again and started dancing when a new song came one.

"Do you know what song this is?" she asked me.

I shook my head, reaching over for a tissue to blot her tears away.

"This is the song Carlisle and I danced to at our wedding. It's beautiful, isn't it?"

I listened to the lyrics. It was. It suited them. Eternal love, a love that lasts for lifetimes. A love that doesn't give up. A love that prevails.

Just then a flash caught our attention and I turned my head to see my wife with a disposable camera in her hand.

"I'm sorry," she admitted, "but Carlisle wanted me to take some pictures of the family." She held up the camera in explanation.

"They still make those?" I joked, motioning her over.

"Here," Esme offered, "let's get a picture of the two of you." She wore her tears proudly.

And so she did. The first picture in forever that froze time just as it should be. My body behind hers, arms wrapped around her waist tightly. She had the fattest smile plastered to her mouth and right before Esme clicked that button, I quickly moved my head to the side of hers and planted a big, wet, sloppy kiss on her cheek. Her mouth opened in a loud laugh, her eyes were closed, hands wrapped around mine on her waist.

Picture perfect, this is what we should be.

This is what we could be.

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Everything was cleaned up and Carlisle had finally fallen asleep for the night. I could tell he was struggling to stay awake for us, so I suggested we go and let him rest.

Within an hour, we were sitting in the room, my piano the big elephant in the room. Isabella didn't pressure me, didn't so much as look at the piano. I could tell she wanted me to play. She wanted to see me play.

I looked around the room. The kids were eating pie on the floor and playing quietly. Rose was sitting on Emmett's lap and he was whispering in her ear, saying something to make her giggle and swat his chest playfully. Alice and Jasper were sitting in the love seat, her feat in his lap as he massaged them gently. Esme was sitting next to Isabella, keeping each other company.

Love. That's what my family represented to me. I loved them, each and every one of them.

I got up slowly, no one noticed but Isabella. She merely glanced at me as I stood there, feet weighed to the ground again. I swallowed thickly before I sat at the piano bench.

Voices were hushed and I could feel their eyes burning into my back. My fingers danced along the keys as I brought back all the cheesy songs I learned when I was teen.

Sometime later, Jasper had gotten his old guitar out, the case was dusty and he thanked god that it hadn't been damaged in the move. It was out of tune and definitely needed a tuning.

"You see, Bella," Jasper explained, "Edward and I thought we were so cool when we were younger. It was his great idea 'Let's start a band, J! We'll get all the pus- girls we want.' We thought we were so bad ass."

"Jasper!" Alice scolded, pointing to the kids. Was it for the near pussy slip or saying ass?

"You see, Bella, no one wants to listen to a band that consists of a wussy piano and an out of tune guitar!" Emmett took over, explaining things a little more caveman than Jasper.

She laughed and so did Esme because she knew he was right.

"A band?" she giggled, getting up to sit next to me on the bench.

"Yeah, a band," Emmett replied. "Good ole Eddie thought he was something."

"He is something," both Esme and Isabella intervened.

I floated off into my own bubble for a few moments just hitting some keys, playing songs I wrote years ago.

"Ed," Jasper called, bursting my bubble.

"What's up?" I asked over the music.

He was silent for a moment. "Play the song."

I knew it was only a matter of time before he asked. I looked behind me, his eyes met mine. He was ready. Guitar in hand, eyes reflecting tears, he was ready. I took one deep, steady breath as my fingers found the keys and his fingers strummed the strings.

Slowly, within seconds, we were playing Carlisle's absolute favorite fucking song. It also happened to be the saddest fucking song in the world.

"This one's for you, Dad," Jasper and I both whispered before getting on the same rhythm. The melody was beautiful; I could play it in my sleep. J and I used to play it daily for my dad, usually after he'd get home from work. He'd sit in the chair, drink his water, place his love on his lap, and close his eyes.

I could hear Esme, the second she recognized the song, start to cry. Isabella and Alice went to comfort her as Rose hugged Emmett, who too was crying, against her body. It finally hit us, the ones closest to him, that there wasn't much time left. Jasper's guitar played along with my piano and shortly we were singing the words.

_Time it was, and what a time it was, it was  
A time of innocence, a time of confidences  
Long ago, it must be, I have a photograph  
Preserve your memories, they're all that's left you_

J and I continued to play the melody, over and over and over again. The kids were silent, listening. My wife hugged my mother and sister in law to her, trying to keep her eyes dry, Emmett was silently crying into Rose's shoulder as he brushed her cheek dry with his thumb. I could hear Jasper's sniffles, trying to hold it back. For now it was only me in this room. I closed my eyes, visions of my family silently cying flipped through my mind like a photo album. The last picture that I saw before the album closed was one of my dad. I was 19, the summer before college. We were in the backyard playing ball. It was simple. That fucking simple. A simple, insignificant memory captured in a photo. That's who we were. I know I'll miss my dad more than anything in the world when he's gone. I sniffed, trying not to let myself go again for the umpteenth time today.

Jasper's music had long stopped. He stood up and hugged his wife to him, both of them crying into each other's necks. It was just me now, just me playing the melody. The melody my father loved. This song was him, and I'd play it all night if I had to. I needed to hang on to him, I couldn't let him go. Too much time had been wasted. I didn't want to say goodbye.

I didn't know I was crying until I felt her hand run and down my back. She was next to me, there for me. I stopped abruptly, in the middle of the song and she pulled me against her roughly. Her hands were in my hair, holding me against her neck. I cried for everything Carlisle means to me.

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**So, there you have it. I hope I didn't stray too far off. **

**Edward is hurting. Badly. He has got so much pent up anger, self esteem issues, self hatred, etc. inside of him.**

**I do NOT play the piano, I never have (though I'd really like to learn). If you play the piano and see something wrong with how I depict it, I apologize. We're only human.**

**The bit about Carlisle is really difficult to write. I, luckily, have never lost a parent so I can't relate. I was old enough to remember how my mom took it when both of hers died, though. It is disturbing to see your parents cry.**

**Also, the bit abou the child's laughter. It's true. There's nothing richer or more beautiful than the sound of a little babies/childs laugh. I have a nephew for whom I base Austin loosely off of. Lucky me :)**

**If you didn't notice, the song he sings to Austin is "You Are My Sunshine" and the song Jasper and Edward play at the very end for Carlisle is Simon & Garfunkel's Bookends. The music, the tone, and the lyrics really are heartbreaking. Listen to it, it's good.**

**Anyways! That is all. To be quite honest, this is where it all begins. The true begining. Some of you may be wondering "what else is left to the stroy?" Well, don't fret. I have some things planned.**

**Review and let me know your opinions. I'd love to hear them.**


	10. Love

_Disclaimer: I own nothing._

**Well, here we are with another chapter. This one is short for a reason. The next chapter is half written, so expect it soon. **

**Thanks again to everyone who reads, reviews, and favorites. Always makes me smile :), and who doesn't like to smile!**

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It was late by the time we left. Austin was already asleep as were Emmett's kids. I hugged each one of my brothers tighter than I ever had. Who knows the next time I'd see them? Oh, right, the funeral. Saying goodbye to my father was the hardest thing I'd ever have to do.

I walked into the dark room, not bothering to turn the lights on, and I sat in the chair next to his bed. He was sleeping; I could hear his labored breaths expelling from his overworked body. I wondered if he hurt badly. I'd give anything, anything at all, to take his pain away. I didn't cry, I couldn't anymore. Today was so emotionally draining, but it was long overdue.

"Dad," I whispered, knowing he couldn't hear me, "I know I haven't… but I just want you to know… these past few days…" I couldn't find the right words. I sighed heavily and sunk down lower in the chair. My fingers supported my head as they ran circles on my temples. "I just… I love you. I don't want this to be goodbye. Why couldn't it be me who got sick?" I was whispering so low, not even talking to Carlisle, but to myself. "You're a good man, Dad. You'll never fully know how much I've appreciated you through the years. I can only hope to be a quarter of the man you are."

I heard steps fall slowly outside the room and then up the stairs. I let out the breath I was holding.

"I have to go, Dad. I love you so much." With that, I placed my hand next to his on the bed and kissed his forehead.

"Edward," he said softly, "you are a good man. Never, ever forget that. I'm here, Son, always. Turn to me when you need me, I'll be there to listen. I'll never leave you. I'll never leave this family. I love you." I placed my warm hand in his cold one and he gripped as hard as he could muster. I squeezed back, brought his hand to my lips, and kissed it softly.

I waited patiently as Isabella hugged Alice, exchanging every number they could reach each other at. I smiled internally, happy that she and Alice became as close as they did these past few days. Isabella still seemed a bit reserved, but that's just who she was. Alice hugged her quickly before throwing herself at me.

"Why don't you move the company up here? We can sell that building off and expand the one I own? We're partners; we should at least be in the same state." It was the same argument that she made over and over again. Today, I actually entertained the idea.

I grabbed my wife's hand and squeezed it. She looked at me, smiled sadly, and shrugged. Moving would mean her losing the time she earned at the library helping kids. "I don't know, Alice. I'll think about it." My mind was already made up.

"Yeah, sure." Alice rolled her eyes and swatted my arm playfully. "We'll miss you guys so much."

I smiled sadly. "Maybe we'll come up for Christmas? Unless you'd rather spend it with your parents?" I asked Isabella, shaking her hand so she'd look up at me again.

Her smile was bright. "They go to New York City every year, remember?" I didn't. "They go for some real-estate class my mom takes," she explained to my family, "so we'd love to spend the holidays with you guys." Her smile was genuine.

Alice lit up and jumped into her arms. Esme and my brothers were smiling.

"You'll stay here this time, Edward," my mother warned.

"Yes," I answered, knowing I didn't have a choice.

We said our goodbyes and left out the front door. The ride back to the hotel was quiet and quick.

"I love you," she whispered.

I reached over and grabbed her hand, lacing our fingers together. "You're mine, and I love you," I whispered, looking into her eyes. It had snowed lightly, not enough to stick, but the roads were wet. I could make out her smile, illuminated in red by the light we were stopped out.

She leaned into me and kissed my cheek.

Together we just were, holding each other's hand as we drove back slowly to the once hostel hotel.

"Are you packed?" I asked, shutting and locking the door to our hotel room. I had just come in from smoking outside. Snow was beginning to blanket the earth.

"What little I brought is packed, yes. Are you?"

I nodded. "For the most part."

Isabella was standing in the doorway; she was wearing an oversized shirt and a pair of sweatpants. Her hair had since lost some of its volume and had fallen flat. She still looked beautiful. Her dress hung over the chair where my suit sat crumpled. She walked over and began folding my clothes. I slipped my shirt off, throwing it on my suitcase.

"This is Armani, Edward; you shouldn't just throw it around." I watched as she handled my pants, the pants that still bore her scent. I stalked over to her from behind, my arms coming around her to take the shirt she was trying to fold and threw it on the table. She gasped at the feeling of my growing erection pressed against the small of her back. I grabbed her hips and pushed her back into me. Next, I attacked her neck.

I pushed her hair away from her delicate, pale neck, salivating at the heavenly scent she was emanating. "Isabella," I moaned into her neck. My nose skimmed her jaw and I lightly bit on her ear lobe. She was purring softly, moaning each time my tongue snaked out to taste her delicious skin. "I could devour you, right here and now." I pushed her forward roughly. She caught herself on the table with her palms. I gathered her hair in my left hand and trailed my right all the way down her back. "You'd like that, wouldn't you?"

She moaned louder this time, grinding herself back into me. Her body was too high; I wasn't hitting the right spot, so I palmed her back and forced her lower. She fell with a thud on her forearms. "Please," she whimpered, rolling her hips.

"Please what?" I demanded, holding her still.

"Oh God, please."

"Tell me what you want, Isabella," I growled into her ear, yanking her hair back so her face was exposed.

"Touch me, tease me, kiss me, fuck me. Anything, just… please."

With that, I forced her pants down around her knees. Before me, my wife who I had not been inside of for a year and a half was half exposed. Her glistening pussy glowed even in the darkest of rooms. I bent down, resting on my knees, and took in her scent.

"Fuck," I growled, "you smell delectable." She cried out as the tip of my tongue spread her folds. Her once bare mound now sported wiry curls. "How long, Isabella?" I asked, using my middle finger to barely dip into her hot center.

"H-how long what?"

I pushed my whole finger inside of her, keeping still, as my thumb rubbed small, light circles on her clit. I could feel it harden even further, filling with blood, as I continued to tease her. "How long has it been since you've come?"

"I-I don't know," she moaned as my thumb sped up.

"Tell me. Now."

"Six weeks!" she cried out as I entered another digit inside her tight hole.

"And who did you think of when you were touching yourself?"

"What makes you think it was me touching myself and not someone else?"

The very thought of another man being with my wife made me growl in response. I could feel my top lip curling. I shot up immediately, my dick was leaking and I barely managed to pull my boxers down before I stretched her open, filling her to the hilt. Her ass hit my pelvis and she screamed out, clawing at the smooth surface of the table top.

"This," I pulled out and slammed back in, "is _mine_, Isabella. _You_ are mine. Nobody will ever, ever touch this again." I knew what she said was meant as a joke, but I wasn't playing now. I grabbed her shoulders as leverage and pounded into her relentlessly. She was wet, soaking fucking wet, and her juices from that had coated me fingers just moments ago were drying on her shoulder. I continued my ruthless thrusting into her. She was tight; I knew no one else had taken her. It had been so long, too long, since I had filled her.

Her body was shaking from the pressure of my thrusts. I looked down to see her head resting in the crook of her elbow. "Oh fuuuuck," she whimpered into her arm.

"No," I moaned, grabbing her hair to pull back her face, "you're not going to keep quiet tonight. I need to hear it. I need to hear you."

"Harder, Edward, please!"

I obeyed. I'd do anything for her. I used one hand on her hip to meet my thrusts while the other was still lost in her hair. I heard her fists slap against the table. Her muscles were squeezing me and I could feel how close she was. When she finally released, her moans were loud, my name filled the stale air around us, and she gasped for air. She begged for it harder, faster, and deeper. By the time her second orgasm hit her, she pulled me with her. Her walls milked every ounce of come from inside of me and I emptied greedily into my wife.

"Fuck," I moaned, resting my head on her sweaty back. She was rolling her hips, prolonging our pleasure. I gently ran my fingers up and down her sides, under her shirt. My post coital bliss turned into a regret filled haze. "Shit, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have… you just… your smell… your words… you… I shouldn't have."

"Don't you dare," she replied, turning in my arms. My softening cock slipped from her heat as she leaned against the table, her ass resting gently on the edge. "I needed this. I wanted it. We deserved this." She was coddling me. Her hands were cupping my cheeks; her lips were on my eyes, my nose, my chin.

"Isabella," I whispered softly, loving the feel of her hands, her body, and her mouth on me.

"Yes?"

I was about to tell her I was sorry, again, when a soft splatter hit my foot. I looked down and smiled. "You're dripping on me, love. Stay here, let me clean you."

As I returned from the bathroom with a warm, wet washcloth, she had scooted back and her legs were spread open.

"Very inviting," I laughed. She was propped up on her elbows, looking down as I cleaned my oozing come from her pink, swollen folds. She giggled and sat up, crossing her legs when I finished. I bent down to clean my foot and when I looked up I could read the adoration written all over face.

I stood slowly, tossing the used rag onto the floor. I placed either of my hands next to her legs and leaned in ever so slowly. Her breath hitched. This was different, I wasn't going to kiss every inch of her face expect her lips. No, I was going to kiss what was mine. Before I could touch her lips to mine, finally, she looked down. I shook my head, taking her chin in my hand and forcing her head up.

"I need this," I whispered. Our lips were touching, our breaths were mixed together, but neither of us had moved to fully connect the kiss.

"Promise me"

"Always," I reassured.

"Forever?"

"And ever."

Our lips danced together in harmony. I groaned at the sensation. My wife's lips were supple, soft, wet. I slipped my tongue between her lips, and finally, at last, they met in the most delicate of ways. I would have pictured our first reunited kiss as sloppy, wet, hurried. No, this one was tantalizing, soft, unrushed. We were getting to know each other all over again. I groaned loudly as she nibbled my lips tenderly. We kissed for the longest time, only breaking apart for air. Her forehead rested against my own and we breathed in each other's hot breath.

I picked her up, placing her gently on the bed. Having already lost my boxers, I climbed in naked beside my wife. We curled up next to each other, our limbs tangled together. Promises of forever echoed in the empty hotel room.

Sometime later, I awoke to Isabella rubbing her palm gently against my growing erection.

"What time is it?" I asked hoarsely.

"Nearing 3," she answered, lust laced her words.

I moaned throatily as she grasped me in her soft palm, tugging gently on my shaft. She pushed me onto my back and crawled under the sheet. I squeezed my eyes shut, still half asleep, as she circled the head of my dick with her tongue. I grabbed the pillow behind my head and thrust my hips gently, silently begging.

She answered my soundless plea by slowly taking my shaft into her mouth. She was a little out of practice. Her teeth scraped gently along my skin and her tongue worked awkwardly along the underside, but I didn't care. She was my girl. I loved every part of this. I opened my eyes, removing the sheet from above her so I could watch. Her eyes remained closed as she continued taking me in and out of her mouth. Her hand was making up for what she couldn't fit inside her mouth. I ran my hand through her hair and whimpered as she gently squeezed my balls. She still remembered what I like.

After a few more moments, I ceased her movements. She looked up, letting my cock escape her sunken cheeks with a soft _pop_. "It'll be over before it's even started if you keep that up," I explained.

She nodded and climbed up, resting her head on my chest. I turned us so our chests pressed against each other, her leg hitched over my hip. I gently kneaded her outer thigh, her ass, and then teased her opening with my pointer finger. She was wet as I sunk two fingers into her.

"Are you sore?" I asked her, capturing her lips in a hungry kiss. She broke away with a whimper.

"No," she half moaned into my neck. Her hand trailed down to my cock, working it so it stayed hard.

"Take off your shirt, I need to see all of you."

As her breasts popped free, I lowered my head to take one nipple into my mouth. I ran my tongue around the erect nub and bit down, pulling away slightly and then sucking it back into my mouth. She moaned louder as her hand came into my hair, gripping hard as she forced my face closer to her breast.

I continued pumping my fingers, curling them inside of her, hoping to find her special spot. Her breathing became labored and uneven against my neck; her grip on my dick had loosened as she neared her orgasm. I slowed my movements and smirked at her protests.

"Should I let you come like this?" I teased, my fingers doing a "come here" motion inside.

Her body jerked at each pass. "Yes!" she exclaimed.

"As you wish." I sped up my motions, her grasp on my dick tightened and when she came, I nearly did too. I had to remove her hand from around me before I came all over her hand. Her moans and pleas and thank yous nearly did me in. She kissed my shoulder, my neck, bit my jaw and scratched my arm as I let her ride out her orgasm.

Before she could fully recover, I had turned her onto her back, spread her willing legs with my own, and sunk into her slowly. I supported my body on my elbows, hands flat beside her head. I wasn't hurried with my thrusts. Her hands were lost in my hair as I pulled back slowly and pushed in even slower. Her eyes were closed; mouth half open, breathing shallow. She looked beautiful. I kissed her slowly; my tongue mimicked what my cock was doing inside of her. I could feel her hot muscles squeezing me gently, spasming around me.

"I love you," I whispered into her neck as I filled her with my hot seed.

Her arms locked around my neck as I continued thrusting through my orgasm. I reached a hand down to rub her clit. Her head was thrown back and her mouth was wide open.

"Yes," she whispered breathily, "oh, yes!" Her head shot forward, her legs gripped my hips, and her teeth sunk into my shoulder. "Edward!" I heard her scream, muffled by my skin in her mouth.

Her orgasm passed and I softened inside of her. We fell asleep like this; my softened cock still nestled inside, my head in the crook of her neck, her arms locked around my neck.

The alarm on her phone woke us hours later. Late morning light filtered through the gaps in the closed curtain. Wordlessly, we got up, made love in the shower, dressed, and drove to the airport.

"Were you serious about wanting to spend Christmas with my family?" I asked, filling her plate with chicken and broccoli from the take out boxes we picked up on our way home.

"Yes," she replied simply.

I smiled softly and padded my way across the kitchen to retrieve the bottle of wine we decided to open. "I love you, my wife."

She giggled as I refilled her already empty glass of wine. "I love you too, my husband."

Later that night as she cuddled up to me on the couch, my arm wrapped around her and my head resting against hers, I sighed heavily. "Tomorrow we start counseling."

"Mhm," she replied easily, "are you nervous?"

"A little. Aren't you?"

"No. This will be good for us."

"How can you be so sure?"

"I just am."

Just for the night, I'd let her think she was right.

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**Well? Leave a review, tell me whatcha think!**

**See ya next chapter... it'll be a shocker, and no, not literally!**


	11. Time

_Disclaimer: I own nothing._

**WARNING: **This chapte contains **talk** of drug use (cocaine). Later in the chapter, one of the characters use (I don't explain their process, just that it's obvious through their attitude). If this offends you, upsets you, or is too sensitive for you to handle, please don't read this.

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**December.**

_Confused._

**January.**

_ Bitter_.

**February.**

_ Heartbroken_.

**March.**

_Angry_.

**April.**

_Numb._

Numb. Yes. That's what I was. Again. Welcome back my old friend.

I sighed loudly and shut the heavy wooden door with a loud thump. I locked it securely, jiggling the handle to make sure it was indeed locked. After I sufficiently locked up my piece of shit studio apartment, I trudged down the stairs. I stopped on the landing and looked out the small, prison like window. The snow had melted, the weather was warming, the sun was shining. A gray, baren winter was making way for a bright, fertile spring.

How I loathed this place.

I walked the rest of the way down the steps and turned towards my mailbox. I stared at it blankly. I checked it about once a month; no one ever sent me anything. No one, besides my parents and Alice Cullen, knew where I lived.

White peeked through the small holes in my rusty golden mail slot. I sighed deeply; today just couldn't get any worse, could it? This mailbox was a portal of bad news. I placed the small key into the lock and turned. One lone letter, addressed to me in Alice's hand writing, sat waiting, begging for me to open it. I stuffed it deep inside my messenger bag and walked hurriedly down the street and to the left. My old truck, rusted and flaming orange, welcomed me. I slammed the door and turned the key. Nothing. I shook my head.

"This isn't happening to me."

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, the only thing I learned in that fucking Lamaze class was how to breathe under stress. I had gone to one, and that was it. Sorry, but I know how to breathe. I don't need to pay you to tell me. I rolled my eyes, pressed my foot on the gas, and voila!

I smiled, content, and pealed out onto the main road. Downtown was a nightmare and I was already late. Why did Mr. Beirs say downtown did was the new and upcoming place to be in Buffalo? Half the time I was afraid for my life, the other half I was lost on these streets that all look the same. Each held a dozen bars, various restaurants, and a museum here or there. Luckily, I decided to talk myself into buying a GPS. Best money ever spent.

I was stuck at a red light, 20 cars back. My head thumped back on the old headrest just as I felt a small kick from inside. I smiled and rubbed my growing belly. It growled and I frowned.

"I just fed you not even an hour ago," I joked, looking down. A loud honk startled me and I moved up in line. Eleven minutes later, we were at a dead halt due to construction. The letter, which had remained in the back of my mind, seemed to be calling my name. I shook my head. What could she want? What bad news was she writing to me _this _time.

I was so alone in this world. Truly alone.

No Cullen's. No parents. No Edward.

_It was mid-January when I opened my mailbox for the very first time since I moved here. Inside sat a simple envelope addressed to me. I was excited, hoping it was from Edward who was begging for me back just so I could reject him. It wasn't._

Bella,

I'm sure you heard of Carlisle's passing. We missed you at the funeral. I understand why you couldn't make it. Jasper and I are the executers of his will. In his will, Bella, he had your name next to the amount of money written on the check. None of us had any bad blood about sending this to you. We all love you so much.

I had no idea, Bella, and I'm so sorry for not realizing it sooner. I know you don't want to hear this, but Edward told us what happened between you two. The fights, the estrangement, and then the makeup of Thanksgiving break. He hasn't said anything about your separation now. He's different, Bella, and frankly, I'm scared.

Edward isn't himself. He broke down at the funeral, broke all of our hearts. He needs something to keep him grounded, but he won't let us help him.

He moved. No one, other than Esme, knows where he is. He talks to her every now and then, but he's drunk half the time. It's breaking her heart. She lost her husband, a daughter, and now a son.

I hope I don't lose touch with you, Bella.

Please, call me when it doesn't hurt anymore.

_**Alice Brandon Cullen**_

_I couldn't call her. I couldn't write to her. I had heard of Carlisle's passing, but it still hurt. I was sick to my stomach at the amount of money that Carlisle had left to me. I ran back into my apartment and threw up. The very next day, I set up a meeting with an investment banker. She helped me place the money in a safe account for the baby. I left the meeting feeling better._

_I processed Edward's absence and realized I was still too confused and angry to care. If I thought about him now and where he might be, I'd wish him dead. But I couldn't do that, not with his child growing inside of me._

_It wasn't until late February that I received another letter from Alice. Inside was a rather thick manila envelope with a stack of papers clipped together. On the outside was a simple sticky note that read "I'm sorry" in Alice's perfect handwriting. Confused, I opened it and nearly crumpled in defeat. The first letter I read was from Edward's lawyer stating he wanted a divorce. The next pages were filled with empty words I didn't read. I simply signed on the designated lines and called it a day. I called my marriage, our marriage, a day. _

_I couldn't help but feel sick, empty, and confused. Sick because of the constant growing lump under my shirt. Yes, his child was growing inside of me. Empty because all I've known was just taken from me. I no longer belonged to the Cullen family, as if I ever did. Confused because Edward and I had spoken two words since the day he left for Forks by advice of his quack therapist. That was, inevitably, the breaking of us. I should have fought harder. I should have done something! Instead, I practically gave him green light for separation, and ultimately divorce._

_When I went home in March to visit my parents, I legally changed my name back to Swan, trying to forget everything I've known about him. That's when I felt the kick. I was in my mom's car, sobbing over the steering wheel when I felt the kick, the very first kick. Life was growing inside of me._

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_

"Here we are, baby," I cooed, rubbing my belly as I walked into the beautiful library in Williamsville. This town was nice, quaint, and snobby. The shops were cute. The restaurants were pricey. The men were loaded.

"Hey Ang," I whispered, walking into the library. Angela was a pretty librarian clerk, my age, and completely in love with one of the professors who taught a developmental English course here in the spring.

"Bella, what are you doing here so early?" she asked, her eyebrows pinching together.

"I have a 9 a.m. Tyler Crowley, right?"

She lifted a few sheets to find her calendar and then nodded. "Right, right, sorry. I must be losing my mind…"

"Or maybe it's all that hot, hot sex you're having with Ben?"

"Bella, please! This is a library!"

I looked around, there was hardly anywhere here. I rolled my eyes and meant to leave as Angela called me again.

"Yes?"

"Mr. Beirs would like to talk with you. He said to send you in when you got here."

I nodded, glancing down at my watch. I had fifteen minutes until I had to meet with Tyler. I trudged up the stair case to the left of the library and walked down an open hall, overlooking the whole floor. At the very end was Mr. Beirs' office. I knocked softly.

"Come in," he called.

"You asked to see me, Mr. Beirs?" Being around him always made me antsy. I'm not sure why though, he was always nothing but nice to me.

"Oh, yes, hello Miss Swan. How's everything going?"

"Oh, everything's fine," I answered only half honestly.

"How's that old truck running?"

"It's still running," I joked.

"And the apartment?"

"It's good. A little cramped, but I can certainly make do. Thanks again, Mr. Beirs, for everything. Without your help, I'd have never been able to find an apartment, a car, and a job all by myself."

"No need to thank me, Isabella. Carlisle had nothing but wonderful things to say to you."

I smiled. I missed Carlisle. It deeply saddened me to know that such an extraordinary man had been plucked so easily from this earth. Mr. Beirs and Carlisle were longtime friends. His death didn't come as a shock to my boss, but it still caused pain. On December 13th, Mr. Beirs received a call from the family letting him know Carlisle had passed in his sleep the night before. The wake and funeral were held a few days later. I wanted so bad to go, but I couldn't. I'd feel too out of place. That's what Edward wanted anyways.

"_If you need anything, anything at all, call Esme. She'll relay the message back to me, okay? I promise, this will be the best thing that ever happened to us. Until then, Isabella, you'll be in my thoughts."_

I balled my hands into tight fists, resisting the urge to punch something.

"Is it a boy or a girl?" Mr. Beirs asked, point to my belly.

I placed a hand gently on my growing bump and rubbed soothing circles. "I find out at my next appointment in two weeks."

"Any names picked out?"

I chuckled softly. "Phineas for a boy. Grace for a girl."

"Wonderful names, Isabella. Both are strong and hold a certain amount of respect."

I nodded. "Yes, they do, don't they?"

His smile was kind as he leaned back in his chair. I turned to leave as he spoke again. "Oh, Isabella? My son's coming by today, if you see him will you send him up?"

"Oh no, he's not in trouble again, is he?" I joked. His son, Riley Beirs, was the oldest trouble maker I knew.

"How a thirty one year old can cause such a commotion, it beats me."

With the promise of reporting his son to his office, I left.

I sat at our usual table and watched as the minute hand ticked away. By 9:32, I had had it. I huffed and pushed my chair in roughly. I walked up the stairs, into my make shift office, pulled out his file, and knocked angrily on Mr. Biers' door.

"Come in," he answered gruffly.

"He's a no show… again! Honestly, Mr. Beirs, if I can't trust that he'll make it on time then I'm just going to cancel his sessions all together! I can't be wasting my time on a kid who refuses to pass tenth grade English!" I was livid.

"I presume we're talking about Mr. Crowley?" he asked, leaning forward, grabbing the folder out of my hands.

"Yeah, that punk missed three sessions in the past two weeks. He's not sick, he's just lazy!"

"His brother died in gang shooting last night, Miss Swan, that's why he didn't show up."

I was stunned, my mouth agape. "Oh," I said slowly.

"His mother called earlier this morning, it must have slipped by me. Forgive me, I have a lot on my mind."

"Is he… okay?" I was truly concerned now. Tyler was not one to open up, but when I asked him to write me a paragraph about the single most important person in his life, he chose his brother. Courage, honor, trust, and loyalty were just some of the adjectives he used to describe his brother. Simple, compound, and complex sentences quickly turned into a brief release for Tyler. I asked him to show his brother. I hoped now that he listened to me.

"Can anyone be okay at seventeen if their brother was just murdered?"

I nodded solemnly. "Fair enough."

I walked down the stairs to find Riley brushing a piece of Angela's hair behind her ear. She giggled and blushed before snapping away when she saw me coming. I rolled my eyes.

"What would Ben think?" I mock antagonized Angela. "And you, mister man, what have you gotten yourself into _this_ time?"

Riley chuckled and palmed my belly. "I think she's been reading too many "How to be a Mommy" books," he whispered to Angela. "And why's this thing so pointed? Is that normal? I mean, Kim was never this big at what…?"

"Five months."

"Yeah, she was never this big at five months."

Defensively I explained, "It's because I'm so short. I have a shorter mid-section causing my belly to extend further than normal. It's perfectly safe."

"Sounds like you read that right out of the book, Mommy dearest." He flicked my forehead playfully.

"You should know better than to provoke a pregnant woman, Riley."

"Oh, shit, you're right. Kim was such a bitch when she was pregnant."

Kim, his ex-wife, was a bitch, I'll give him that. However, I wanted to add _yeah, but your little stint with cocaine certainly didn't help anything_, but I didn't. I just offered a tight lipped smile and told him his dad was looking for him. Riley rolled his eyes and stalked up the stairs.

"He's handsome," Angela said dreamily.

"Yeah, if you're into that whole bad boy, brooding, mysterious, drug abusing thing."

"Drug abusing? What do you mean?"

"Really? You don't know?" Angela shook her head. "Well, you know how the walls upstairs are paper thing, right?" She nodded. "My little office," which was basically just a large closet, "is next to Mr. Beirs and I heard him yelling at someone one day in January. I was still fairly new and I didn't want to get in trouble, so I stayed put and waited for the reaming to be done with. It lasted two hours. Apparently Riley had a pretty hard time with the miscarriage Kim had before his daughter now. That was three years ago.

He started messing with pills, pot, and then I guess it just escaladed into harder drugs like cocaine. Sad, but true. He used for two years and Kim stayed with him through it. He finally cleaned his act up and Kim got pregnant again. I guess he was still dealing with all the emotional shit and he started using again. When his daughter was born, he cleaned himself up, but Kim wanted nothing to do with him. They divorced and he only sees his daughter once a week for three hours until he's been clean for 360 consecutive days."

"But his daughters two now?"

"Yeah, he's still been using."

Angela gasped, covering her mouth in surprise. "That's tragic."

"No," I disagreed with a shrug, "that's life."

* * *

After I met with the students I tutored, I packed up and agreed to meet Angela at the Village Grille at 5 when she got off. It was nearing 4, so I decided to leave my truck and walk down the street to some of the shops and that's when I remembered it.

"Shit, the letter," I cursed under my breath. I found a bench outside a coffee shop and crossed my legs. I placed my finger under the lip and cut it open.

Two pages written in black ink blurred my vision. I held the first one up and started reading.

_Bella,_

_Thank you for calling me last month. I'm sorry I haven't gotten a chance to visit your new home in New York, I bet it's lovely. Tell me about it? Do you like your job? I think taking that job on such a short notice was the best thing to ever happen to you. Look at it this way, had you not taken it, you'd still be back in Chicago alone, not getting anywhere or progressing. I don't mean to be frank, but someone has to say this to you, someone who knows you and what you and Edward went through. True, I don't know the full details, but I know enough._

_Jasper and I just wanted to write and wish you a Happy Easter. I wish for nothing more than to have my family back together. Jazz and Em are pretty broken up over Edward's disappearance. I keep telling them that he handles devastation a lot more different than other people. _

_He's gone, you know. I told you before, but this time not even Esme knows. His apartment phone has been disconnected and his cell phone just goes straight to voicemail. Esme, of course, is shattered. No one knows what to make of this. Before, we all just thought it was an act of defiance. We thought he just needed time alone. This time, it's serious. His business was sold to this highest bidder, Bella. The company that Carlisle single handedly built from the ground up is gone. I still have my share, but it's not the same._

_That's not even half of it though, Bella. Esme got a forwarded letter from your house in Chicago (I guess someone's watching the mail and forwarding it to him?) addressed to Edward. Esme opened it and she said it was a court sentencing for driving drunk in Miami, Florida. The court date is scheduled for June. If he doesn't show, he has the potential to serve time in jail. I know you probably couldn't care less, but his family is devastated. _

_I'm on your side, Bella. I've had enough of his shit to last a lifetime. How you put up with it for so long is just an angel's work. That's what you were to him, you know. You were his temporary angel. You kept him grounded, level headed, on his toes at all time. He ruined it. But thanks, from the bottom of our hearts. Jazz says hi. He also wishes you the best of luck in your new life. Don't worry; your secret is safe with me. I haven't told a soul._

_Please, call me. I would love nothing more than to talk with you again._

_**Alice Brandon Cullen**_

On the back of the letter was a colored picture of Mickey and Minnie Mouse. Edward's and my name filled the space above each character. Mickey and Minnie were holding hands as Mickey leaned in for a kiss.

At the bottom, in Alice's writing, was the date, April 17th, 2011. Under that was a heart with Austin's name that read _To Aunt Belly_.

I cried a little, not much, but I still shed tears. It had been so long since I felt anything towards them. I looked at Alice and the Cullens merely as a family friend I kept in touch with. I tried my damnedest to forget about Edward, but how silly was that? His son or daughter, _our_ son or daughter was growing inside of me right now. I shook my head. This was neither the time nor the place for such a scene. I neatly tucked the letter back into its envelope and into the darkest crevice of my messenger bag. Perhaps I'd forget about it.

"Hey stranger," a confident voice whispered in my ear as two hands covered my eyes.

"Hey Riley," I said, dismissing his hands from in front of my face.

"How'd you know it was me?" he asked.

"I know your smell."

He let out a loud chuckle, throwing his head back, and slamming his flat palm on the table. "And what's that, B?"

"You smell like you smoked a pack of cigarettes and then tried to mask the scent with axe."

"Doesn't sound like a good combo when you put it that way." I could hear his eye roll. He chose the seat to my left at the four person table, and started flipping through the menu.

"Where's Angela?" I asked, checking my watch. "She's never late."

"Probably out fucking that teacher boyfriend of hers."

"Riley," I warned, looking at him. His black leather jacket shined under the lights, making his white shirt even crisper. His jaw was tense and then he ground back and forth slowly. "Why are you doing that?"

"What?" he asked, never taking his eyes off the menu. He ground his teeth together again.

"That!"

"What the fuck are you talking about, Bella?" he snapped, looking up at me. I gasped at what I saw. His eyes, once a pristine ocean of blue, were lost in the black orbs.

"Holy shit," I whispered, "your eyes are… bl-black."

His face nearly softened, his eyes stayed cold, he wore a confident smirk. "So what if they are, Bella?"

"You're high, aren't you? You're fucking high. I can't even believe this. You're such a piece of-"

I didn't have time to finish my degrading sentence as his hand, a thumb on one cheek and his fingers on the other, grabbed my face. "Don't. You. Dare," he whispered angrily.

"Let go of me," I warned slowly.

"Or what?" he spat, roughly releasing my face, "gonna get knocked up again by some loser who doesn't even want you or your kid after it's done?"

"Go fuck yourself," I seethed. "And while you're at it," I added, leaning down to whisper in his ear, "maybe you could find the good Riley. The one whose daughter means more to him than his coke does. You sorry disgrace for a father."

I walked the short distance back to the library, pissed beyond belief. How _dare_ he say that to me, about me, about my child! What a dick!

"Angela!" I yelled into the phone once she picked up.

"Bella, what's wrong?"

"What's wrong? Did you forget we were supposed to meet for dinner?"

"Riley said that you said you had cancelled. There was some kind of emergency or something."

"Why would he say that?" I asked aloud, more to myself than her.

"I don't know," she answered simply.

"It was rhetorical," I shot back. "Look, I'm just going to go. I'll see you tomorrow." I hung up as I reached my car.

* * *

The ride back was long and boring. Too much traffic. Too much construction. I hated this town.

* * *

Later that night, with the moon spilling through exposed window of the studio apartment, I let myself cry. Tonight I'd indulge in this once. I spilled empty, nothingness tears for the Cullen family, especially Esme who, bless her heart, was losing her family one by one. I spilled empty, nothingness tears for single mothers everywhere, single fathers who did it on their own, children out there with broken homes, drug addicts struggling to find peace, my baby who may never know his or her dad, and Edward. I spilled the emptiest tears for Edward. I briefly wondered where he was and did the only thing I could do to help, I prayed.

_Dear God,_

_It's me, Isabella Cull-… Isabella Swan… Uh, I know it's been a little while since we last spoke, but I don't think you got my last request, so I'll add this one to it. _

_Please, please, please allow Esme peace._

_Please, please, please tell Carlisle I miss him and that I love him and that I'm so, so, so fucking sorry for missing his funeral… am I allowed to say fuck? Whoops, I just did it again. Sorry._

_Please, please, please give Alice and Jasper the best life they can. We both know they're your very own angels sent down to earth to protect._

_Please, please, please give Austin my love. I miss him. Oh, and make sure he knows Edward misses him too, because I know he does._

_Please, please, please take the stick out of Rosalie's ass. I know it's slowly coming out, but I know she blames this on me. I can read it between the lines of Alice's letters. Oh, and please give Emmett the daughter he wants. He'd make the best daddy to a sweet little girl._

_Please, please, please give Riley the strength to overcome his addiction. He's missing too much of his daughter's life. It breaks my heart._

_And last, please, please, please keep Edward safe. As much as I curse him dead, I don't mean it… Oh God! I mean…Oh, Jesus- Lord, whatever! You know I don't really want him dead. I'm just sad. Sad and confused._

_Please help me find my way again._

_Thank you,_

_Isabella Marie Sawn._

_

* * *

_

**Okay, so don't hate me yet. I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I told you that the story was only just beginning. Have a little faith. Hope you stick around to find out what really happened between E and B.**

**Not everything will be resolved right away, and you may be confused here and there, but the pieces will start to come together soon enough.**

**Anyways! Leave me a review, tell me what you're thinking :)**


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